Lasttimeagain

Day 72 - almost lost my quit

Blog Post created by Lasttimeagain on Nov 25, 2018

Yesterday my only real trigger went off and I wanted to have a smoke so bad. My only major trigger is related to some relationship issues between me and my wife. There are times where she goes to silence when she is unhappy about something. Of course it isn't really silence. Her body language and behavior is silently screaming. However  her communication style is not to communicate when there is conflict by rather to just keep it bottled up. She is Asian and grew up in a Confucius culture so she had a hard time expressing her feelings. Anyhow, in these situations I get really frustrated because when someone just totally shuts down and shuts you out and they are refusing to participate in their role or to only go through the motions it makes me so frustrated. I guess the case in point here isn't about who is right or what my wife is really trying to express or how I need to communicate differently, or what our personality and cultural differences are  The point of relevance for this website is that I need to be aware of how these conflicts with my wife, which reach down to a core values level, trigger my desire to smoke. In these moments, our conflict is so entrenched it rocks me to my core - my core of values - and makes me feel so stressed. At these moments I feel like there is no way forward and I feel like throwing it all away. And then I feel like smoking. It's awful. We were at a holiday event and she wanted to go home after just one hour when everyone else in the family wanted to hang around for a while longer. She doesn't value Christmas events because they aren't from her culture. Anyhow  I got frustrated because she wanted to go home and I wanted her to hang out and join in. I've been to years and years of her cultural events when we lived in her country for years and now attend several throughout the year with her here in the United States. So it feels like she doesn't want to reciprocate. That she only wants to get support but not good it. So I said I'd drive her home and leave the kids at the event with the grand parents. Then my little 4 year old said he wanted to go with me. But I didn't want him to come because I already planned to go smoke. I was in that bubble where you just want to throw it all away - fu** it! Anyhow I had to take him since he refused to stay. So I did. And we took her home and then returned to the event. The kids and grand parents had fun, but inside I was fuming and wanted to smoke so bad. Afterwards I brought everyone home. The wife and I didn't talk. I didn't know what to do. Then I remembered how I handled a similar situation in day 30. I remembered how this was the same situation and feelings that led to my relapse after an 8 month quit two years ago. So like on day 30 I followed my plan  I went to the gym and got in the treadmill and ran for an hour. By the end of the hour I was feeling relaxed and out of the bubble. This morning I'm so happy I didn't smoke. Things are beginning to harmonize between the wife and I, though I know we need to work on our relationship and address some major conflicts and address expectations around reciprocity. However, right now I need to know that this is my major trigger and this is what I have to watch out for and hour I have to deal with it before I can address it. So today we harmonize and I am still a non smoker with new insight necessary to keep my self and my marriage growing in new and better directions. 

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