Today is the day

[ISPEAKINALLCAPS]

Today is my quit date...and I have been anticipating it like the first day of school.

In my last few blogs, I was trying to quit before my quit...which actually turned out to be way more stressful. I was smoking but limiting myself and cutting it WAY back, by doing that I feel that this is going to be a smidgen easier, than just smoking one day and the next stopping completely. The weening process in itself I felt was a taste of the mental control I am going to have to exercise from here on out. 

what follows will probably be unorganized and random as my thoughts kinda spill out

I feel this sense of anxiety (although I am always anxious) like when the first day of school, its a fear and excitement. Quitting is like the school, I have some reading to do, some homework to keep myself on the right track, socializing with you awesome people here. 

In the last few days, I have had to deal with some of my other...I don't wanna call them issues but that's what they are for lack of a better word. Generally I have anxiety which at the root is fear. Fear of EVERYTHING it feels like. I have had a close friend make me question what I am afraid of. I am afraid of failing (in the general sense), afraid of being alone, afraid that something is gonna fall through (in general), fear that the car next to me is gonna run into me, fear that my hair is gonna fall out, fear that if I don't do this than this will happen....the list could go on and on and on. I am not an overly religious person but I believe in God and I believe in the Devil. My friend told me that essentially the Devil has run a muck in my mind.

So my friend who is called to be a Preacher basically told me that I have to verbally say "NO!". Now to me even with my heathen faith I am like, "Talking out loud when no one is there is called crazy", lol I am kidding but it is just odd to talk out loud to something that is not physically there. But, all this fear has stolen my happiness and stunted my growth in so many areas of my life.

Now you would think I am just this hum drum always unhappy person with all these negative thoughts running through my mind on a regular and random basis, but I really and generally upbeat and I do find joy in life and I have hope, sometimes not for myself but I can sure give hope to the people around me I care about the most. I always get frustrated with myself that I can motivate people around me to keep positive and hope for the best and glass half full yada yada yada, but my self talk is hardly that bright. 

So after this conversation with my friend, I started trying the verbal rebuking of the Devil on my shoulder. I had to chant out mantra's, "Relax, everything is gonna be okay", "NO! You can do this!". It felt kinda weird at first but the more I did the easier it was to calm myself down when that little tickle of anxiety was in my chest. 

With today being the official first day of the rest of my life, it was like the Devil was on full Victoria (that is my name ) must not succeed mode. I woke up late, my mouth and throat were dry, every stitch of clothing I tried on made me feel just fat, my breaks are starting to grind which was grinding on my nerves on my drive to work this morning. I just feel like everything this morning was trying to get me so worked up and triggered to smoke. Cause all of these things would in some way or another drive me to smoke to relieve the anxiety. Instead of going to the store and buying a pack of Malboro Smooth Shorts, like I usually would, I said out loud in the car, "NO! Everything is gonna be fine, the sun is shining, you are ready and you are excited and you can do this". It sounded like some hippity dippity bull$*&% to me the first 5 times and the Devil in my own inner voice was like, "your kidding right?!". The more I heard that voice the more I said my lil mantra out loud, even though I felt like an idiot. Somehow, the more I said it the more comfortable I got and the tickle subsided. 

Sometimes I wonder if I am ready for the mood swings. Even now writing this, I don't have an urge to smoke but I have a sudden random urge to cry...just sob like someone died. Thinking about it right this moment, I had anxiety and mood swings even as I smoked. idk...now my mind is kinda blank.

I am gonna end this with a huge 

I logged on after not being on for a few days and was met with, "where you at we miss you?!" and "Are you alright" messages and it was a huge comfort knowing that I wasn't just a face in the crowd or words on a page and people genuinely care about me and barely know me. I am gonna keep sharing my random thoughts and reading and writing and interacting. THANK YOU!