Don't get me wrong, I've been thinking about quitting. I would have never said this out loud though, because "I'm not a quitter".
First my mom had to quit last year, because she was diagnosed with a lung disease. Then my sister had to quit smoking, because she was diagnosed with rheumatism. My dad never smoked, so I was the last one left. I started to feel guilty, then angry, because why was everyone abandoning me? But at least my partner still smokes, so I had to feel half as bad. Thing is though: he still lives in London, so I'm still alone with my feelings of guilt and anger most of the time.
When I feel guilty, I smoke, when I feel angry I smoke. This is dumb! And I started to realise it. I started to feel ashamed after every cigarette, but I still felt like I didn't have a reason to quit. I mean, I'm still healthy, so why should I?
But then yesterday happened.
I had a gynecologist appoint yesterday and it was just a routine check up. But I had to change doctors, because I moved cities, so she went through everything with me. "When was your last period?", "do you have children?", "which contraceptive do you use?", "do you smoke?", "how many?".
And she looked up and told me that due to the fact that I'm using hormonal contraceptives and that I'm smoking my chances of getting thrombosis are increased tremendosly. I've been using hormonal contraceptives for over 20 years now and I've been smoking for pretty much the same time! How on earth am I still alive? Reducing won't help either. One of them needs to go. Either cigarettes or contraceptives.
And then another part of reality hit.
I'll be turning 36 in April and I asked my doctor about getting pregnant. Which was always my future thing of why to quit. "Once I'm pregnant I will quit". I never even thought about what would happen if I would never get pregnant. But that seems to be a lot more likely...
Apparently a woman's fertility starts to get less and less at the age of 25. At 35 a pregnancy is already considered a risk and it is very possible that fertility is so low already that you are in need of artificial fertilization just to even get pregnant.
Once you hit 40, health insurance will not cover any costs of this expansive procedure though.
I have a little bit over 4 years left to try and get help if I have to, to get a child.
And I need to quit in order to potentially stay healthy and alive for that to happen.
Now you would think I've spoken to my partner about this already, right? Well, I would have loved to, but I haven't, which is stressing me out beyond belief!
My goal is to actually quit by February 11th. I'm working with this website, an app that I'm decreasing my daily cigarette intake by one until I get to zero on February 11th. I'm currently at 10 cigarettes, but I am fighting it already. Trying to keep busy with other things.
I just started this blog, I have another notebook where I'm keeping track of why I'm smoking at a certain time and I have a note on my balcony door (when I moved, I decided not to smoke inside of my new apartment) that says "You want to have a baby, right? So step away from the door". I also have to write the date and time on that note, if I do decide to go outside for a cigarette.
I'll keep you informed how things are going. Right now, I just want to talk to my partner and nothing else. Because things became very real yesterday!
