I've been asking myself some hard questions since my last post yesterday, and it's been sobering and disappointing. But if I am right, it explains my quit failures, and why it's been so hard to change other undesirable things about myself. I've been analyzing my past quits. After the first one or two semi successes, I decided that regardless of success or failure, my next attempts were going to be just observing myself. Trying to figure out what works for me, and what doesn't. And that's not necessarily a bad thing, but I discovered a pattern that carries across not just quitting, but everything else too.
The only common denominator in my failures? I didn't make a plan. I have been aware that one of my flaws is lack of discipline in many areas, but I couldn't find the root. I have always claimed to work better with spontaneity. On the surface it's because it's harder to talk myself out of things. But I think it's much deeper. Is it because I don't like change? Is it because if I'm winging it, failure isn't so bad because I wasn't expecting much? Is it to avoid any discomfort from starting a new habit, whether it's working out, a new cleaning routine, quitting smoking, or any number of other things? Is it a way of never committing to anything? Or all of the above? If I have a rock solid plan for any endeavor, that promises success so long as I stay on the plan, then the only possible way to fail is me. The only way to fail is if I consciously deviate from the plan. If I do that, then I am actively deciding to fail. Huh. Ain't that a kick in the teeth.....
