Bonnie

Oh my, what a surprise

Blog Post created by Bonnie on Jan 12, 2020

Hit 2 years nicotine-free 5 days ago. Since my laptop is being repaired, I wasn't following my normal routine of logging onto Ex, checking my Quit app, even remembering my quit date, tho I remember now I picked the 7th because 7 is one of my favorite numbers (the other is  13). I have had soooooo many start dates . Anyway, because I was basically offline and it was not my first smober anniversary which was a BIG deal, day came and went with little significance. Like a good friend told me, the second year would be easier than the first. And she was right.

HOWEVER, for the last three evenings I have wanted to smoke. Not constantly, but more than one "thought" each evening.  What a surprise! I just kind of shook my head and observed the phenomena. Three nights in a row. That nicodemon is cunning, powerful and..oh I forget the last word. Baffling? That could be it. Because the truth is, depression, anxiety,  anger and hopelessness would get me to relapse over and over, but today life is good. I had a great Christmas day (which included the ex) with both my daughters and all the grandkids. My relationship with both of them is better than it's ever been (this has taken a lot of prayer, patience and letting go of a lot of baggage on my part). I am content with my present, hopeful for the future and accepting of the past. I accomplished technical tasks to secure my laptop to mail that amazed me..in my smoking days I would have been a frustrated, impatient mess. I am doing stuff on my phone in the meantime I was too stubborn to learn how to do before, like figuring out how to get on Ex, access my email accounts, etc. I am not inclined towards technology, even though I worked at Intel for 9 years and left as an IT systems engineer (Ha ha), but even old dogs can learn new tricks and I have to say I'm quite proud of myself. The weather was gorgeous today and I spent all day outside working in my yard, which is one of my favorite things to do. Came in, put on some music, cooked a healthy dinner talked to a close friend on the phone did some planning for next week...all in all s lovely day...and Bam there it was..the thought...the sneaky damn thought of an addictive brain.  Wow. It can hit when the s*** hits the fan and it can hit when life is incredibly sweet. Be forewarned, dear people. Once an addict, always an addict.

Thanks for being here.

Bonnie @734 DOF

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