Note - The following blog is meant to inspire and will have uplifting thoughts (hopefully), inspirations and Christian prayers (simply because I am Christian). I TRULY believe that every faith, religion, creed, and culture have their own deity(s) or higher power(s) that they turn to for guidance. Even non-believers or 'semi'-believers have someone or something they look to for positive help. Please feel free to read this blog and replace the prayers for your own or skip over them completely. I hope I can lift some spirits and provide a loving hand along this journey to be an EX forever.
The Thanksgiving feast is over and the kitchen is cleaned up. It wasn't much of what I considered Thanksgiving dinner, even though the food came out excellent if I do say so myself. As a kid Thanksgiving was a much different celebration. We had the grandparents, aunt, uncle, cousins, and girlfriends/boyfriends or friends of the family join us. We would go to my aunt and uncle's house every other year and Christmas was the same, at least until my older siblings were married and we would congregate at one of their houses. It was truly a time to give thanks for what we had, enjoy the time we spent together, have real conversations, well at least the adults did, laugh, and play while the guys congregated around the TV watching football after dinner and dessert. After my husband and I were married we moved 700 miles away to his duty station in Virginia so we couldn't be with my family. My husband's family was spread out in different states after his parents divorced right before our wedding. After a while his mom and brother moved to where we lived and when we left VA for a different state they followed within a year. When my mother-in-law was alive she would come join us until she became a true alcoholic and hid at home. My brother-in-law was invited every year and he said he'd be here but never showed up. He would sit at home alone as he really didn't want to come in the first place. My mother-in-law and brother-in-law hated holidays. Thanksgiving was bad enough in their eyes and they despised Christmas. I tried, lord knows I tried, every year to have them be a part of the family but they didn't want to so I didn't push it. My mother-in-law was the worst at Christmas. She didn't want to come partly because she thought if she didn't bring the 'right' thing as a present someone would be upset so in her words she "couldn't bother with it". No matter how many times we told her she did not need to do anything but show up she never did. I would buy the kids something and put her name on it so she didn't have to bother and I did just that but to no avail. She would rather sit alone in her bedroom smoking and drinking herself into a coma.
This Thanksgiving at dinner the conversation was about video games, net-neutrality, remenics old cartoon network shows, and bad puns. I couldn't get a thought, let alone a word, in to move the conversation to something I had any interest in. I ended up not saying a word. I was mad. I hardly get to talk to my husband to begin with so something more intelligent or that one that I could at least comment on. I was hurt, sitting there silent and eating the food I had prepared all day. In 20 minutes the boys had scarfed down dinner and got up to get the table cleared off. I was finishing my dinner and my husband was nearly done but still eating. Mind you, the boys did clean up the table and loaded the dishwasher as they were told this morning. I usually have to get up from the table fairly quickly because of my stomach. I sat with him as long as he allowed and let the guys finish getting the kitchen done. I wanted to throttle my children but I would be arrested for assault since they're both over 18. A couple hours later it dawned on me. I shouldn't be mad, I should be glad and grateful that we are together every day and as they were laughing and joking having fun I could've tried to join the conversation because I knew everything they talked about but I just hadn't tried to so I gave up.
In that moment I knew just how much the conversation 'incident' compared to stopping smoking. I got mad because I wanted to be involved, I couldn't. I was hurt because I felt like I couldn't break into the mix. So I gave up trying. It was easier to just sit there. How many times have you done this same thing with cigarettes? You really wanted that smoke but knew you couldn't. Being hurt because that smoke eluded you so you feel abandoned and alone. Then you just give up trying. It's easier to sit quiet, and smoke, than to try too hard when you're destined to fail.
Today I am thankful for just having the day to enjoy. I am alive, I can breathe on my own with no sign of Copd or lung cancer following a CT scan last week. I'm so glad I didn't give in when I wanted to just give up and light up. I'm happy that for once I took the hard road and that it's working! I'm still walking on the road, which can be a little jagged at times but I've gotten this far and I can see slightly smooth pavement ahead. It's a long way there but I can see it. Going back is not what I want to do. I don't really want to have to go over the jagged rocks so I keep walking forward. I'm so thankful I want to spend the rest of my life as an EX, free from the addiction and breathing easy!
25 thankful days