Strange to look back at it all now

Blog Post created by crazymama_Lori on Aug 9, 2016

In the very, very beginning, I remember the panic feeling of thinking I was going to quit smoking.  I was actually going to stop doing something I've been doing repeatedly for 43 years. I did this every single day, usually every hour on the hour at least 35 to 40 times. Now, let that sink in for a moment. You did this without even thinking sometimes over and over again.


I remember in the first 30 days the very first time I reached over for that pack of cigarettes without even thinking about it when I was trying to figure out something or I was becoming very frustrated with something that just wasn't working out just right. I thought wow, how automatic that was because those things haven't been around for a month.


Then a month later something very stressful happened and the thought just jumped in my head of screw this, I'm buying a pack, this is just too damn hard. I didn't, but I made a mental note of when it became really, really difficult for me and when I really thought I needed to smoke. I had that hole in my stomach feeling like I was missing something, lost something. I knew I was never going back but I had to understand for myself what is it in my life individually that would make me go back to smoking.


I've had some very traumatic things happen in my life. Smoking didn't make them any better. Didn't solve any problems. Certainly didn't make them go away. I thought back then that for those 5 to 10 minutes they went away, but they never did. The world really does revolve and evolve whether you smoke or not.


I think back now when I first quit back in December and how I was just clinging on to that one cigarette like it was a buoy in the ocean. Why did I believe that that thing was going to save me from anything, do everything for me. I'd quit for 3 days and go back. I'd quit for 4 days and go back. I think the final straw was when I finally made it to 7 days and thought, see, I can do this. I did make the women know at my local grocery store that I quit smoking where I always bought my cigarettes. I figured if I let them know about it, that would make me accountable. At 57, I had to have someone or something make me feel accountable, silly. Well, actually no, it wasn't. Those women were very proud of me and encouraged me and cheered me on. I was like a very insecure little kid looking for someone to motivate me and give me the confidence that I can do this. Of course, I had it in me all along. But at that time that's just what I needed, exactly what I needed.


So sit back and think of your reasons for smoking if you haven't already done so (it's one of the steps you should take on this site), think back on points in your life where you've smoked the most, death of a family member, a fur baby, accident, so on and so forth. Develop a game plan for what you are going to do in these situations (toolbox). This is doable. Just take it one step at a time............