July-October 2014 So many things make perfect sense now when once I reached to grasp a concept and it drifted away ... Like smoke! The Elders talked about Acceptance and being "Willing." They said , The only way out is thru. I thought I understood that but apparently NOT. (My Dad always said I had a hard head, a one track mind and I was like a dog with a bone - how I wouldn't "let go" of things. (Meaning ideas and desires, not meaning holding grudges. I do not hold grudges ...Not Usually hee hee!). Anyway, Some of you may remember a blog I wrote talking about the Facts vs What We Wish. I explained when I was a kid - pouting over wanting something I couldn't have - My Dad would laugh and say "people in hell want ice water". In other words forget it!!! Lol Well in the middle of my relapse, I finally understood acceptance ...at least part 1 of it. I had to ACCEPT that smoking was/is poison, period! No amount of wishing (or denial) on my part makes it otherwise! I could choose to knowingly continue to poison myself or I could choose to quit. Either way I had to ACCEPT the FACTS I had learned! Whichever way I decided to go, I had to accept and be "willing" to experience what came with! Two choices. Either I was going to give up and smoke and quit complaining about how I couldn't quit, or I was going to quit. Well to be honest of course I tried Option 1. I'm an addict! Thought oh He££ I will just give up and smoke and enjoy my cigs! Forget this quitting business!!! Well the joke was on me. Too late! Like Dale says, Nicotine IS such a liar!!! I was not happy smoking again either! Well son of a dog catcher! What now? And so I thought - ok if you're going to be miserable either way (I reasoned) might as well err on the side of healthier miserable and quit!!! Ok fine I got it now - Yeah sure! Aug-September-October restart quit-fail, restart quit-fail, restart quit-fail, gaining weight anyway. Not getting anything done anyway. A pattern was emerging. Nothing was getting better! Guess I wasn't "willing" yet? What Was I going to do? This is the WORST place to be and my heart is aching for any of our friends out there right now still struggling in this "purgatory"! BUT there is One Good thing about purgatory ... You CAN get out!! 🙂
July-October, that's how long it took me to get back on my quit to stay! Couldn't get off the unmerry go round until ... my final failed attempt - I learned the hard way that I couldn't smoke anymore! I had been a decent quit for awhile when I got that overwhelming "I don't give a rusty rats ars" feeling. Just had to smoke. I go get a pack. I think it's going to be so wonderful! Hah. I took a puff. It was the most vile disgusting taste I've ever tasted / worse than any previous "bad" cigarette. Okay so what do I do? Like a real genius I keep trying to get the satisfaction! I take a real drag this time like my old normal smoking. Oh Dear G-d! It burned all the way down and I felt like I charcoaled my poor lungs. I coughed of course and you know what? It was a blessing. Then and there the true Willingness finally came! I realized I was NOT willing to do this to myself anymore and I WAS willing to do whatever it took, give it as much time as it would take and that smoking really would no longer EVER be an option again!! I finally got it. There was only one answer. The words "The only way out is through" suddenly became such a comfort to me. I decided once and for all to "go through and get out"! New quit date Oct 30, 2014. (To be Con't and Concluded in upcoming final Chapter, Blog 5! ) :>. oxoxox
