I drove to the store to buy smokes. Second time now, the first time I prayed and my stomach clenched up as I went to go in. This time I was mad at God for putting me through so much and telling him I've done enough work on myself and life and now I'm going to make it a little easier on myself. I ended up spending the money putting gas in the car. I keep wanting to go back though. It's been 118 days, 9 days since my last post. I am in the worst way, angry at my kids and feeling really negative. Some of this is from the nasty medication I have to take and some of it is from cravings and a lot of it is just pissed that all the will power in the world can make my life better for a little while but then there are always setbacks that make it almost worse because failing so many times breaks down my heart and leaves me feeling angry like there's no hope. I quit smoking, I am eating right, really super healthy, studying the Bible and spirituality, I stopped calling my ex everyday, I wrote down rules with my kids, I am saving money, I am studying ways to heal my head injury and imbalances, I work up a sweat almost everyday, and I am doing everything I can for my family. I'm still financially broke and heart broken and tormented to the breaking point. What more can I do to have love and happiness in my life? It feels like it's all for nothing or like I am trying too hard and maybe just doing some of those things and taking it easy on myself would be more rewarding in the long run.
