As of October first I have been 4 years and 7 months clean and sober. I did not deal with the stuffed feelings as I said I had. As of today, I have been 469 days smoke-free. I had managed to keep all 46 years of stuff, stuffed while telling everyone "it's ok to cry. Let those feelings out". I have not practiced what I have preached. I thought I could fake it till I made it. That plan was working out very well till Mom's car accident, but I still kept it under control. Over the last month, I have not been here for you because all hell has cut loose (tears). 3 people have cussed me out people I love and care about have died,and just a lot of other crap, and asking for rides to meetings and no one stepping up, but expecting me to walk in the cold, dark and snow. Before I would have spun around and told them to get f....., and now I have become this other person I never knew. I am backward, I cry, as a matter of fact, I have spent nearly a month bawling. Crap! I was Billy bad ass- 6 foot tall and bullet proof for 46 years of my 59 years of life. This is awful. I am trying to live life on life's terms and it ain't coming easily! I thought all this would have already happened, but I wouldn't let it, I don't make problems, I solve them, I am a helper and have a hard time asking for help. I never cried (ever), I didn't whine or complain. Now I'm doing all of it. I am sure I will figure out how to do this (eventually). I know I haven't been here much and have neglected many of you and I am sorry! (never really said that before either.) I am slowly figuring out that sticking up for myself without being hateful, is doable. Getting older is also bringing death around me which I never learned how to deal with either!
Please don't get me wrong, I am not beating myself up and I don't want pity! I am beginning to love the new me, but it has been a fight! Giving a s..., when I never did before, has been a hard pill to swallow!
I just simply wanted to say that all the stuff will spill whether you are a day, a week, a month, or 469 days (kinda laughing here) please don't fight it, let it come, because if you wait as long as I have you are going to be miserable. If my resolve not to drink, do drugs and smoke cigarettes weren't so strong I would already be doing all 3! You know what after getting this out, I think I'm gonna be okay!
Your tough (not so much now) chickie, Terrie (thanks to EX and all of you, newbies to Elders)
Don't Quit on your Quit!
