So many thoughts...
Okay, this first thought is just stupid, but I'll bet some of you out there will understand this. I'm finishing up Day 22. When I first quit and was posting, "Day One", "Day Two", "Day Three", etc, I felt so SPECIAL. Like I was the only one who ever quit and made it through those days. I had SO much support from this site and I was stuck like glue here to read every word that anyone said to me. When I was in those early days, I read the blogs from people who were on Day 20,24,28,31, etc. And let me be perfectly honest (despite the character flaws I may be exhibiting here), I thought those people had it MADE. Why were they still blogging??? If you could quit for 20 or 30 days, well, then, you had this nicotine thing BEAT, right? But, when you're a brand-new Quitter, you get so much love and attention! Wow, somebody should just jump in and cover my mouth now. But you guys know that I'll just talk until I've said what I'm thinking, so sit back, read, and start composing your responses...lol
I thought I'd be so OVER smoking by Day 22. Three weeks and one day! Sheesh, I'm like IRONMAN to get this far. In the past two weeks, I've been able to just haughtily brush off the smoking impulses when they occur: "Oh, pullleeeeze. I don't smoke. Go elsewhere, you silly urge".
So HOW IS IT that on Day 22, it all started to feel like Day One again??? I'll tell you how. My Day One was the first day of a three-day trip (I'm a flight attendant), so that made it easier. When I finished my three-day trip, I went straight from DC to my other home on the coast of Oregon, where I remained for 18 days of vacation with the full support of my Beloved (stupid word, but boooyfriend is a silly word at my age..and I don't care WHAT I call him because he is the best non-smoking support I could ever want!).
I flew home to DC late last night. And today, Day 22, felt like I was starting all over again, with the HABITS and the EMOTIONS. Thank goodness, not with the PHYSICAL. I understand it, intellectually, but that doesn't make it easier. It is here in DC, at my condo, that I have my strongest associations/triggers with smoking. I'm embarrassed that I thought I could conquer this addiction so easily within a few weeks. I wanted to smoke a cigarette tonight. It wasn't that any particular craving was so intense. It was more that the cravings kept coming in waves and I felt like I was being bombarded and I wanted to give in. But, I didn't. I have made sure that cigarettes are not accessible. But I do feel pride in myself that I could have driven to the 7-11, but I did NOT. Why not? Because I don't WANT to be a smoker. Because I don't smoke. Because my Quit is SO important to me. Because I am stronger than the nicotine. Because I want to be healthier, breathe more deeply, age less quickly and smell better to the people who hug and kiss me. These are not small reasons, are they?
But, re-read my blog title again, and if anyone feels like being Day One-type sweet to me again tonight, I'd be loving it so much... I'm like a kitten; scratch me and I'll purr loudly. LOL (Crap. You should not ground Sky Girl; I make so much more sense when I'm in the air. I think.) xxxooo