What a difference 2100 days makes!!! :)

[Mothergoose9]

Today, at 2 p.m. it will be 2100 days since my last fix.  It was our 20th wedding anniversary and my husband was taking me on a surprise weekend away......driving about 8 hours and wouldn't tell me where we were going. 

This wasn't my first quit....not by a long shot.  I had blown a 20 year quit and in the space of 4 years after that, quit another 3 or 4 times.  I truly thought that if I could get a good solid quit going, then I would be able to enjoy the occasional cigarette "every now and then."  Inevitably, whether it took a day, a week, or a month, I would end up back into full blown addiction, enslaved all over again!!!

When I quit on September 7, I had been smokiing again since the previous January.  Oh, I had "tried" a couple of times to quit again.  You know, you go to bed the night before and determine that tomorrow you won't smoke, or you're nearing the end of your pack, and you say "that's it, I won't buy anymore."  These never materialized and I would continue on feeling like a total loser schmuck, and with each day, each failed quit, I began to wonder if I would ever truly be free.

September 7 started out the same.  I had bought another pack and off we went.  At 2 o'clock that afternoon, I don't know why but I threw the pack out the window!!  I didn't FEEL any more ready to quit than I felt ready to have the nails pulled out of my fingertips one by one!!  But I knew that there would never be a better time, that it would NEVER be any easier than it would be right then to kick this addiction.  There was no magic moment, no magic pill......but I had to make a decision and stick to it. 

I was afraid.....  I wasn't afraid of the withdrawl etc., nearly as much as I was afraid of failure....one more to add to my seemingly ever growing list.  This addiction, and my bondage to it, was sucking the life right out of me!!!  Not just the physical life.....but the inner life.  My spirit and soul were gasping for air!!!!  There was a "me" trapped inside that had been buried and left for dead!!!  I truly felt that if I didn't make it this go around.....there wouldn't be another.  It was like going under for the last time.....

That was 2100 days ago....and I've not had one puff since.  One of the first things I learned was that I was an addict.  I always knew that smoking was an addiction, but never saw myself as an addict (who knew...).  Immediately I realized that being an addict meant at least two things.... 1)  I could never have 'just one' and 2) as an addict, I believed lies, lies that excused my behaviour and justified my next fix.  So, I made a decision that smoking simply was not an option....EVER!!!  Not for ANY reason, not under any circumstance.  There would be no more "every now and then!!"   Then I started listening to myself think!!!  That's was an eye-opener!!  🙂  I determined that I would allow NO thoughts to take up residence that did not line up with my decision that smoking wasn't an option.  When those thoughts would come, I would immediately dismiss them and think something else.  Where the mind goes, the man follows.....and I began to take every thought captive and make them take me where I wanted to go, not back to where I'd been!  And this is where it has brought me......one day at a time.

Since that day and that decision, I have weathered many difficult and challenging life events.  There have been some days where although I didn't seriously contemplate suicide, I certainly understood why some people do.  I would wake up overwhelmed by the circumstances that we were facing at the time, and then have to try and find the strength to face the day.  Many days, most days, every day......it fell on my shoulders to keep this home and family running with as much normalcy as possible even though our very world seemed to be crashing down all around us.  There have been circumstances that have made me marvel that a mother's heart could hurt so bad and yet still keep beating.  Tomorrow I will sit in a courtroom and hear a judge read out a sentence against my son. 

I'm not saying any of this for sympathy.  I AM saying it because I want to yell loud and clear that NO MATTER WHAT life is throwing at you, you CAN face it SMOKE FREE!!!!!!!  I am no different than you.  I had no super powers, no accomodating circumstances, no headstart or handicap (like in golf). 

The key to quitting and STAYING quit is mindset....totally.  Even if you opt for other methods, you HAVE to have a mindset that leaves NO room for smoking.  You don't think about it, dwell on it, romanticize it, fantasize it.......you eliminate it!!!!!!!!!  Cut and dry, show no mercy!!!!! 

You CAN do this!!!!  I would stand on my rooftop and shout it out to the whole world if I thought it would help you believe it for yourself!!!!  This addiction has you blinded, it has you believing that you don't have a choice, that you are doomed to failure and defeat, that somehow it is your friend, your answer to every problem.  Oh my word...!!!!!  It is LIES, all LIES!!!!  It kills you, it robs you, it sucks the life right out of you!, and then it spit's you out and throws you away!!!!  Expose the lies, exhaust the excuses.....and WALK FREE!!!!  It's here!!!  It's waiting for YOU!!!  It doesn't have to be as hard as you're afraid it's going to be!!!  You don't have to cringe and cower under it's tyranny any longer!!! 

Do I ever get tempted?  Not often....but I have had a couple of close calls.  At those moments, it seemed like the most natural, harmless thing in the world to do would be to pick up a cigarette and smoke it!!! 

This addiction is deceptive!!  It's insidious!!!  It's merciless!!!  So if you've broke free of it, then you celebrate EVERY smoke free day you live!!!!  Your 1, 10, 50, 150.....will become 1000, 2000, 3000 one day at a time! 

Walk tall, hold your head up, know that you are DOING what many only dream about and wish for!!!!!!!!

Oh, and I won't be here to watch my clock turn this afternoon.  I will be taking my beautiful daughter to her doctor's appointment as we await the arrival of our very first granddaughter next month!!!!!  Life is good....GOD is good, and I am so thankful to be able to share this freedom journey with such awesome people!!!! YOU!!