Slipping and Sliding - Tales of Trouble Part IV

[Giulia]

Giulia Permalink Reply by Giulia on July 24, 2008 at 9:09am
         READ THIS AND LEARN. AND READ IT AGAIN. AND AGAIN. AND AGAIN.
    This is Greg's story. He gave me permission to put it in here. I wasn't sure in which section to place it because it covers such a broad scope: The Stress Trap, the Drinking Trap, the Anger Trap. Boy, life is like walking through a
    mine field, ain't it?
    I created this Group in the hopes of preventing you (and me) from blowing ourselves up. But so many of us seem to be suicide bombers here. We not only take ourselves out, but those who love us.
    So read this story and believe that this could be you. All these stories should add up in your mind to one basic principle: You must keep your guard up at all times. You can never let your defenses down. And you can never take just one puff.
    GREG'S STORY
    June 29, 2008
    Hi,
    I just joined this group because I'm in my 25th day and get a little concerned about the long term part of staying quit and want to use every tip I can so I won't relapse. I have not had any alcohol since I quit. I was going to last weekend but realized it would probably ruin everything. Drinking coffee is hard enough but I'm getting used to that. The good thing is I really don't miss the alcohol.
    July 14
    I've been delaying the fact that I needed to add this post. I quit on June 4th and smoked again on July 11th. I threw 37 days of hard work down the drain because I gave in to a temptation in an atmosphere I shouldn't have let myself be in. I really feel like crap about it but need to realize I'm one of many that didn't succeed on their first attempt. I tried before but nothing like this one. I never applied myself full force in the past. The positive part is that I went 37 days and am learning what I need to do to be successful. I can name lots of reasons why I gave in but the bottom line is no one made me do it, I simply made the wrong choice. To me it has nothing to do with whether I used an NRT or went cold turkey. I will say that I did the right thing and avoided alcohol (major trigger for me) my whole quit until that day, but I should have kept it up. I had even went to a July 4th Barbque/party and made it through ok. For anyone on the site who is starting out, no matter how confident and good you feel and how long it's been- don't let your guard down. You've seen that posted here over and over. Lots of people here told me that and my over confidence is what failed me. I am going to start over, even do the ex-plan again and will start my quit counter again at day 1. I'm willing to go through the pain of quitting again in order to get rid of this habit for good.
    July 23
    My last blog was concerning that I blew a 37 day quit on July 11 because of an extremely stressful situation I got myself in. You can't imagine how stupid I still feel about this. It was all due to me having a heated argument with my wife and I happened to start drinking 1 lousy can of beer. My mind must have been looking for an excuse to smoke, I don't know. Before I knew it, I was smoking as much as I did before. That's a no-brainer to anyone on this site. 1 puff = 1 pack quickly. All I had to do is breathe deep and simply walk away from that situation but didn't. I've been reading so many blogs and discussions on here since I smoked and there are a ton of people in a lot more stressful situations than I was in and made it through. But now I have to look "onward and upward". My new quit date is August 5. I am leaving in a few days for a trip and have decided to wait until I get back. Since July 11, I've steadily been on this site reading, bought the Allen Carr stop smoking book and have been reading a lot on whyquit.com. I am going with the patch again (full term this time) and plan on blogging and reaching out a lot more than I did the first time. I really need to zero in on handling stress and over eating. During my 37 days of not smoking, I felt like I couldn't eat enough food and
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Mike in @lanta Permalink Reply by Mike in @lanta on July 24, 2008 at 9:31am
      Thanks for posting this Guilia. There are so many triggers out there & different ones for all of us.
    In your second paragraph you seem to be making an apology. Rest assured this group you've created is serving it's purpose & the more triggers we expose for everyone the better. Some of us have faltered but it looks like they're bringing their experience back to share with us. They don't seem to be gone long. I would still like for all of us to check on this group's members & even your friends for recent activity. If you see that someone has been missing for a week send them a message or a note on their page. They will be grateful that someone cares.
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Giulia Permalink Reply by Giulia on July 24, 2008 at 9:47am
      Yes. Good idea. Thanks Mike.
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Jim Taddeo Permalink Reply by Jim Taddeo on July 24, 2008 at 9:51am
    I'm even checking in on the other guys at work that are not on here and trying to help. It helps me to stay focused for sure. I'm not getting much in the way of cravings at all any more. So I'm paying even more attention to my quit. Right now I don't want to forget HOW BAD SMOKING SUCKS! I'm not planning on changing anything I'm doing right now. Everyday several times a day I'm here checking out what everyone is doing, reminding myself that this is a battle for my life. Slips happen, falls happen, get right back up and I don't even care if you dust yourself off..LOL...Just quit again...and again.....an analyze...and do what you have to do to STOP FOR GOOD. Literally.
    God bless and holler at me if you need to.....anyone 🙂
    Jim
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Mike in @lanta Permalink Reply by Mike in @lanta on July 24, 2008 at 10:04am
       Great attitude Jim. Do what ya gotta to do.
    It's hard to check on everyone but if we all do a little a lot will be done.
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christineD Permalink Reply by christineD on July 26, 2008 at 8:49am
     Giulia - I started smoking when I was 12, quit when I was 36 for 2 years, and then like you as an actress, got a job where my character chain smoked - I told the Director I was a non-smoker, but she remembered my smoking days and convinced me I could do the role and then quit again...WRONG!!
    So at 44 I stop again then got involved in a theatre business with a partner who smoked occasionally, one night after a successful deal (and involving a fair bit of alcohol) she bought a pack of cigs. and offered me one... another 2 years down the drain.
    so at 50 I go to live in an Ashram (long story) and of course don't smoke or drink - 2 years later, leave and enter the world again very disillusioned and the first thing I did was buy a pack of cigs....
    Now at 58 I am quitting again and for some reason this is harder - I have many alibis this time like my husband smokes, smoking is allowed in our house, my father just died suddenly - you name them I've got 'em, and I am also very aware that this is not about the alibis.
    I like the line "I must protect my quit at all costs"....as it appears to me that the personality that gets hooked on smoking often puts other things before their own welfare in many areas of their lives.
    This, I think is the hardest thing - to say to yourself and actually mean it... "I am good, I deserve to be healthy, I deserve to be free of pain and addiction, I deserve laughter and great happiness"
    So with this in mind - having relapsed this week - I start again.
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Giulia Permalink Reply by Giulia on July 26, 2008 at 10:00am
         Gee, Christine, that's kind of a heartbreaking story you've just told. So you've fallen into the actress trap, the Celebration Trap, the Drinking Trap, the Poor Me Trap. What, you plan to test them all out before you get a successful quit for life goin? LOL. You know I'm teasing, right?
    It's not that you can't quit, you've obviously done that very well several times. It's just that you can't stay quit. I'll tell you what I've tried to do. I've tried to reinforce alarm bells in my head by staying connected to a support group. So I'm on this site, not only 'to give support, but to remind myself of the dangers that lie around every corner. As long as there is still the desire within me to smoke, as long as I still want one, I know I'm vulnerable. I know I can lose this beautiful freedom in the blink of an eye or the single inhale of one cigarette.
    One of the reasons I set up this group was - not only for those who relapse on a continual basis - but for people like me who have strong long-term quits under their belts. Every time I read a story of a magnificent quit blown, it puts in another alarm bell in my mind.
    You DO deserve laughter and health. God bless ya for starting all over again. You're right, it's not about the alibis. It's about closing the smoking door for good.
    I'm so sorry to hear about your dad.
    Wanting you to be free....
    Giulia
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Jennifer Permalink Reply by Jennifer on July 27, 2008 at 11:53pm
        My first puff was at 8 years old when I caught my brother smoking. From then I smoked here and there with my brother and guess ecame a psychological thing of when I am stressed sit down with a friend or brother and have a smoke/talk session. As a teenager egan smoking more. My first quite was June of 1993 when my grandfather killed himself. My mom made the comment "I am here cleaning up your grandfather's blood because he was selfish and killed himself to comme home finding you selfishly killing yourself with cigarettes. That hit home. I didnt smoke for 5 years until my soon to be husand started talking with me about smoking. It started off as a joke...let's see what it is like to have one cigarette with eachother (not able to believe the other used to smoke)..then it was he wanted to try American cigarettes..then it was our friends smoke..etc etc. Right back into the habit.
    Now 9 years later and talking for 3 years about quitting I decided once again in June to quit smoking for good this time. This month has been a stressful month for me...the harder I tried to fight to quit the more cravings I had. I went 3 days then cracked under pressure...got back up and decided to quit again. With the tension building and me cracking...I started disappearing fast from this site. Told myself not to come on here because if I fail I am letting down all these wonderful people here trying to help me...I egan setting myself up for failure and telling myself I cant make it so dont waste other peoples time. Plus just trying to get through eachday was hard and was more difficult coming on seeing othershaving this strength I dont see in me anymore. People kept leaing me messages and I struggled to even open them. I appreciate so many looking for me on a regular basis and was surprised how many people left messages who didnt even know me..trying to help me find answers even though I am a stranger.
    Today was my nervous breakdown day and sat on my porch crying as I smoked cigarette after cigarette. At my son's appt I guess they could see me breaking down because she told me several times "you need to find a way to take a break-relax"...when I began laughing while crying not understanding why I broke down and smoked while dwelling on what am I going to do about this and that.
    I then came online tonight...and the first message was "how long since you smoked?" I felt like a wave hit me. The more I thought about it my cravings (even during stress) were less when I was on here reading about traps. Reading other peoples stories...just couldnt imagine me being one strong enough to accomplish this like them. Now I am beginning a smoke free life again. I want to start tomorrow again tomorrow...think the word quit sets up as failure. Read somewhere not sure here or somewhere else that when our bodies think the word quit it triggers into fighting that. Our bodies do not register quit...it said instead to think smoke free life..or fresh air life. I think I need to stop thinking of losing something and what I am gaining....so here is to a fresh air life.
    I would like to encourage anyone that thinks they should do this on their own to avoid embarassment of possible struggle or failure to keep on this site. Dont run and hide out of fear of falling because it is only a matter of time before you will. The more you read here and the more you have accountability for your actions the more you strive to conquer. I think that is the key to a smoke free life ACCOUNTABILITY...the "I dont want to have to tell anyone I messed up" might help in staying free or just read the same blogs over and over about other accomplishments and remind yourself if they can do it so can you.
    Here I am writing this and fear is creeping in telling me "are you sure you can do this, are you ready...because you just crashed today..." and I try to remind myself..if I leave this message now it will hold me accountable tomorrow. People will ask me if I am staying faithful to my new life...it is up to me to make sure I can say "YES, I am smoke-free".
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Jim Taddeo Permalink Reply by Jim Taddeo on July 28, 2008 at 3:33am
         Wow.........very interesting ideas. I like it! You are definitely right. There is no loss and only gain so QUITTING might be a bad idea. How about ENHANCED BREATHING or something else with a POSITIVE connotation. Good idea! Go with it and DO NOT SMOKE ANY MORE CIGARETTES! I Struggled with a hell of lot more than these smokes for decades and slipped and slided and downright pulled a Woodstock belly slide in the mud on purpose. LOL More than once! All the time beating the crap out myself. STOP BEATING YOURSELF UP. A very wise man once told me that HEALING MEANS LEARNING TO FORGIVE YOURSELF........AGAIN........AND AGAIN...........AND AGAIN..........and again.......and again............LOL DO what you need to do and stay here with us........you will ENHANCE YOUR BREATHING GREATLY!
    God bless,
    Jim
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christineD Permalink Reply by christineD on July 28, 2008 at 9:07am
         Jennifer and Jim - you are so right. I relate to you Jennifer - I hid from the site for 2 weeks, but am back on and am doing separations again. My quit date is Aug 19th - Talk about loops, talk about Groundhog's Day....the repetitive behavior so many of us 'suffer' from MUST STOP!!! I have spent my life (a bit like Jim) sliding, beating myself up, starting again, sliding, beating myself up - I now realize what a pattern that is, and my Ego is more comfortable coming from a place of survival than living. I remember Louise Hay saying once - to get out of the survival mechanism as the brain/mind/Ego will only recognize (like the Universe) that you want to keep surviving - so it will keep manufacturing situations that you need to survive - because it only wants to help you, and that is obviously what you want - to keep having situations to survive!
    I used to know all these things I studied with a Guru for 10 years, "WE ARE WHAT WE FOCUS ON" "THOUGHT EXPANDS INTO MATTER" etc...and when you focus on "I must quit", then you become stuck in a Groundhog's Day of constantly smoking to support the "I must Quit" focus.
    However, having fallen deep into the Matrix to have that last steak, I am now remembering what it was like to wake up in the morning, meditate, chant for other people, do yoga - feel clear in the head and the soul, AND HAVE SO MUCH ENERGY.
    This does not mean I am doing any of these things right now 🙂 - but I am starting to focus on what it felt like to be clear and clean...so right now I am focusing on the feeling of actually liking myself and remembering that I owe it to myself - no-one else- to feel good and happy.
    I have started a morning mantra again "I always love that I live" I always love that I breathe fresh air", and I am going to see how I go with that. I'll keep you posted!
    And yes Jim - forgiving yourself deeply and truly is the path to self love and acceptance.
    I see only good for us all, all love and support to you both and to me and to everyone else on this journey.
    I love this site!!!