I have six cigarettes left in my pack. I will smoke them all until I go to sleep. I keep hiding and not to be seen that I smoke. My depression has hit me badly. I can't wake up early. Every day I'm trying to find a job and leave my house for hours just to clean my head a little and see people and things. The phone is not ringing. I have very few friends and every day I whine about the same things and I can feel that I will lose them because I am not an enjoyable and interesting anymore. I want to stop going to the gym, I don't like it anymore. I am fed up. Sleeping too much hasn't made me energetic. I feel sleepy all day and my morale is abysmal. I am tired and have no hope. I watch TV all day just to hear some noises and feel not bored. But I hate it. The phone is not ringing. I have given too many CVs and nobody gives me a call to have an interview. I feel useless and I hate myself and smoking keeps me doing something 'important'. Tomorrow will be painful because I will want to smoke one and I will probably try to search everywhere for money. Including my mum's pockets. It's a shame. And instead of smoking I will just want to eat junk food. And what if my next girlfriend smokes? And what if my friends are smoking? I won't be important to them. I enjoy smoking and I know hundreds of reasons to quit. But at the same time I'm feeling I'm disconnecting from people and nobody wants my company. I am afraid of tomorrow. To wake up late, skip brushing teeth and just make coffee and try to find money to buy a pack. This will be probably tomorrow.
P.S. I want to thank you all for your support and comments in my two previous blogs. I am really grateful and I wish I could help you too but right now I can't help myself. 😞
