Almost made it to my week mark.......but I am realizing that I am weak on this journey. My "RELAPSE TRAP" happen when i was watching TV...."big brother" at the time. I usually smoke while watching and instead of getting up, getting out, using my gum, when my CRAVE kicked in, I went to the store. And now my guilt has set in. Once I make it to 4 or 5 days i begin to feel like it'll be alright to smoke a little. It's obvious i don't want to be an occasion smoker.........I want to be smoke free. That's why I am on this site. For those that were supporting me.....DON'T GIVE UP ON ME. I want this and I can't do it w/o your help. This site is the only support i have.
I went about a week after giving about half that first pack away, bummed a couple, then bought another pack. I'm now on my third pack (currently just under 1/2 a pack per day). I feel devestated about breaking my promise, mostly because of my daughter, some because of my husband...he's been smoke free for 13 weeks now. However, I also feel glad to not have to fight that damned craving anymore. I'm not happy that I'm smoking, just happy that I have one less thing to fight (I have Fibromyalgia and so have to fight pain and overwhelming fatigue just to make myself something to eat, let alone everything else)! Mostly I felt I just didn't have the strength to keep fighting it if it wasn't going to get much easier after that long. I know it was the way I was thinking about it, but still.... I also just couldn't FEEL the reasons NOT to smoke, where as the reason TO.... And yes, I read the one about the neighbor, and yes, I teared up, but then I numbed myself to it just as I do to my own personal reasons.
I know that before, I hated smoking, I hated everything about it. Now, I'm just grateful I don't have to fight it (enduring the craving does increase my pain, though I know smoking does not decrease it). I want to get back to that. I'm just not sure how, except to smoke until I start hateing it again. Obviously, I want to find a way to stop...I wouldn't be enduring the pain it causes to sit and type on this site otherwise. Any thoughts, help?