on the wagon, off the wagon

[jonathan7]

reading your posts has been a quiet therapy for me. i'm sitting in a cafe writing for the first time after reading for several weeks thinking i was strong enough to do this on my own. WRONG!

I am embarrassed and ashamed that I do not possess the mental will power to tackle this. I have been a closet smoker off and on since I was 14. I have had no issues in wanting to smoke since 1999 until about a year ago and since then smoking has crept in to my life at an ever pervasive rate, but fully in the closet.

I was in Europe with my partner several weeks ago and was having a great, smoke-free time. We were staying with friends of his in Belgium who like to smoke after dinner (my partner doesn't smoke). Since he didn't "know" that I smoked (yeah right!) I was shocked when he said he didn't care if I had a cigarette. Because I hadn't told him about my struggles, it was too easy to resist the offer and I smoked off an on after meals and drinks for the rest of our trip.

When we got back I went through the usual mental hoops about not doing it again, wanting to feel healthy and take care of myself and thinking more that I could control this behavior.

I went two days this weekend, one day at a time, with great success. I'm a teacher on summer vacation and when my partner left for work this morning, it was like someone else took control of my body and drove me to the gas station to buy a pack as I anxiously and quickly smoked one in my car.

Arriving at the cafe as I type this, I just threw the pack out. Like many of you here, my big trigger is boredom (time for a better hobby!). I'm writing here today as my first public step to say that I need your help and support as I have read many of you asking for the same.

Thanks for listening, replying and giving me a place to feel like I can share when I am too ashamed to share with anyone else.

I need the push to "come out of the closet" to my partner about the smoking. Perhaps my biggest fear is succeeding, not failing...

Anyhow, thanks again everyone for this forum.

[cindy25]

Do you need to come out of the closet about smoking -or need to quit? Do you feel compelled to do both at the same time? It sounds like he sort of "knew" you were smoking and almost encouraged it in Europe? I'm not saying that you shouldn't tell him, but quitting is a real "personal" thing that takes you to make your own choice and we closet smokers are BIG CHEATERS! I mean CHEAT, CHEAT, CHEAT! If you tell him, will you tell him you are still smoking- now quitting- still cheating???? Everyone is different but here is what I did as a closet cheater/smoker: My partner knew I smoked (and HATED IT). Most of the people I know- never knew I smoked. I told them nothing (after all, I had been fooling them for years). I quit using this EX program. I signed up and made a quit date, made a commitment to MYSELF, made friends here that I could CONFESS TO, and started my program. THEN I told my partner I was quitting. I was going to use online support but I would appreciate encouraging comments. Other than that, I was going to work my OWN program. I promised myself that since I had not been honest to almost everyone in my life about my smoking, I needed a different approach. This was all going to be on ME this time. I was too good of a sneak. I could fool anyone again and I didn't want to set off another round of "yes, I quit but I am cheating". If I cheated this time- I was just fooling myself. It worked. I have been smoke free for over two months.

[jonathan7]

Thanks Cindy for sharing your story. I hear what you are saying about the decision to quit being for me and the personal accountability in the choice is number one. You asked the question and my biggest priority is quitting for me, to know that I can do this for myself. It's been 3 days and I have worked through a couple of pretty intense "cheating" moments internally (1 by myself and 2 others in the company of others) and woke up this morning proud to know that I had rewired my responses to things and was able to avoid the temptation to cheat. It is difficult, but there was a lot of pride in knowing I could do it. I've heard on here time and time again about taking it 1 day, heck 1 hour at a time and this is working, even in the moments when it has been hard. Anyhow, thanks again for asking the questions, providing insight and your help. Congrats on your 2 months!

[cindy25]

WOW! I am so happy for you! From one "cheater" to another..........WHOOOOOOOO HOOOOOOOOO! Keep that one moment at a time attitude and you will be a "real" nonsmoker 😉

[qchawk]

I'm brand new to this site - but not to being an on again off again smoker... I read this closet smoker forum thinking oh my gosh - that's me! I quit for 2 1/2 weeks, then some beers and back to it for a day, then 2 days off and this morning when the husband left and the truck disappeared down the road - back at it! He hates it that I smoke so I really avoid it when he's home and I sneak it before showering just like others. It's like doing bad and then washing it all off - but you can never wash it out of your lungs or blood no matter how much you try! I am planning a true quit sometime soon - no date set as of today.