Ouch ouch ouch. Oooh that hurts. So of course our next questions to you will be " what caused your relapse, what have you learned, what are you going to do to make sure it doesn't happen in the future..." etc. These are obviously the questions you need to ask and answer for yourself. You don't have to pray to stay, you just have to stay. It's a choice. Agree with it, accept it - or - fight it, doubt yourself, hope that some day you may actually get to smoke again without penalty. The perfect cigarette. One that tastes as good as we think it does but causes no harm whatsoever and solves all our problems.. That's a dream. And that's the lie of addiction.
It's so easy for those of us who have managed to best this foe within ourselves to say that: "it's a choice, agree, accept." But until you are actually at that point, they're just the "right words." Until you actually FEEL it, KNOW it within your bones - they're helpful words but just words which we agree with intellectually. Conquering an addiction takes more than just an intellectual agreement. It takes a visceral one. It takes an emotional one. And even then, our emotions change. And so do our quits. That's why I think it's important to remain connected to a support site. It reinforces what we need to do, how we need to do it, why we need to do it on a much more emotional, personal level. It also reminds us of the cost of relapse. Addiction costs, but relapse costs twice as much. Because we found that Best of us and threw it away with full knowledge.
The happy news is that we can get it all back - that pride in ourselves by paying attention to that Best of ourselves. And here you are, ready to pay that attention again. Glad! If crappy promotes happy - then good. If crappy does nothing to spur you on but just brings out the whip of failure - ditch it. Depending upon our attitudes - failure can make us hunger for more of it's opposite (maybe that word is success?), or it can make us feel utterly defeated, why bother, "I'll never make it," kind of thinking. The latter which only leads us down the path of more self loathing and more defeat. I personally see failure as a learning experience. (Well, sometimes! lol) I find that when I take it that way emotionally (something from which to learn), it better enables me to try to figure out how to not fail next time. And the whip isn't brought out.
Passing thoughts on a February 22nd night....
Ellen
