HE WON'T QUIT!!~I'M WORRIED

[virgomama]

My partner of 13 years has COPD.  He is on oxygen almost 24/7.  He has cut down to 3 cigarettes a day, but won't take the jump to quit.  I know nagging, talking, etc.  wont work if he is not ready, but I am really worried about him not to mention the extra stress it's causing on me.  Does anyone have any suggestions, a better  approach ? 

[Tabbiekat]

It truly has to be his decision. A year ago my husband and I decided to quit together when he was going in for a cardiac ablation to hopefully stop his a-fib. Long story short I quit, it took him another 9 months before he did. His ablation was a failure since he kept smoking. He did cut back to a few a day for the last 3 months or so of his smoking. I just got to the point where I had to let it go. It was frustrating for me since I knew things would be easier on him if he quit. I kept telling him yes 4 a day was better then a pack a day, but until he quit it would not matter or truly make a difference. Then I would ask if he wanted me to pull up some information on it. I did lead by example. He got to the point he felt guilty when he would have to walk away to smoke or I would say "Since you are lighting up I am going to go......" I did too. I would purposely leave the area or move so I was downwind from him if we were both outside or in the garage. I know my nagging him bothered him, sometimes we got in arguments. I ultimately would just tell him it was his choice, but I really wish he would quit. I would occasionally ask if their was anything I could do to help him quit. In part after months of nagging I think it was when I was able to let go and not be constantly stressed about his smoking that he realized how important it was for him to quit.

Don't hesitate to contact me if you just want to hash things out

Tabbie

[virgomama]

Thanks so much Tabbiekat.  I'll follow your example when I do my quit.  Coming soon.  10*1*18

[YoungAtHeart]

It might help for him to know that the few he is still smoking is keeping him in a state of constant withdrawal.  It won't be a LOT different when he quits - but there is an end to it then.

That said, don't keep stressing over it.  He is going to do what he is going to do and you can't affect that, anymore than somebody who wanted YOU to quit before you were ready.  Sorry to say, but it's true.

I am sorry you must watch what this is doing to him, though.  Must be tough.

Nancy

[Barbara145]

Let it go.  There is no other way.

[elvan]

You cannot quit FOR him any more than he can quit FOR YOU.  I absolutely agree with YoungAtHeart‌ that smoking three cigarettes a day is just keeping his addiction alive.  I DID want to quit but I was also scared out of my wits...I knew that I would die if I did not quit and I knew that smoking would speed it up...I still know that I am  likely to die of a smoking related issue but, in the meantime, I am doing everything I can to take care of myself and stop the progression of the COPD.  Try not to drive yourself crazy, I know it is easier said than done but try to concentrate on YOU and YOUR quit.  Those are things you can control.

Ellen

[Bellegonia]

I think you should show him this site, book mark it and then leave him alone. As others rightly pointed out, it has to be his decision. You also may wish to point him to Allen Carr's audio version of his book or even download it and, again, show him where it is... and then leave him alone, or leave the house for a few hours. He's just scared and that's ok... we were ALL scared at the beginning.

Hugs!

Belle

[virgomama]

Thank you all for your suggestions and support.  I think I already knew that there isn't much I can do.  I just needed to hear it and be reinforced.  I am still moving towards my own quit.  He is being very supportive of that.  In fact, I asked him today how he would feel about making the house completely smoke free and to my surprise he agreed. That was heartening. 

I am going to focus on my own quit.  In fact I may move up my actual quit date, because I'm feeling so ready .  As was said here all I can do is for myself,  And maybe that will inspire him.  But in the end it is up to him.  

I have been talking to him about this site and sharing some of the information I've read here.  I already feel supported and a part of this community. 

Blessings and gratitude to all of you