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My Sister

Question asked by smokenomorelpj on Dec 12, 2017
Latest reply on Dec 14, 2017 by Daniela-3-11-2016

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Friends,

I wanted to ask a question regarding my beloved sister. I just woke from a really bad dream about her. She smokes and over the holidays, I want to speak with her about it. It is difficult because I'm only off 64 days, so I'm still struggling, and I don't want to appear as if I'm lecturing her. I hated that myself. I had a friend who lived with me briefly, and at the time I smoked. I grew to dislike him because of his arrogant attitude about my smoking, especially since he was a former smoker and current drinker (and he could drink). I don't want her to feel this way about me.

My sister has the ability to ignore you well. She will say, "yes, you are right...I'm going to quit". But, I know she won't. She won't go to therapy either, and I know she needs this as well.

Do you suggest I speak to her about the smoking? If so, how do I broker the conversation? I want to introduce her to this site but I'm unclear how. She has two great kids, but she, as most of us, is lonely and stubborn to the core.

Lewis

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Mortalzeus Dec 12, 2017 7:23 AM
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I would simply share the beauty of your quit. When she asks you how you are, let her know how much quitting has changed your life and your outlook on the future. Tell her about how much confidence, in yourself, you have gained during the past 64 days and close with how this site has influenced and strengthened your resolve to achieve freedom.

That may or may not spark her interest, but in the end you are not smoking and that's what really matters
Stay Strong and Embrace the Journey
Darren
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jonescarp.aka.dale.Jan_2007 Dec 12, 2017 8:22 AM
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She needs to know quitting smoking won't kill her. She needs to know she doesn't have to want to quit. She needs a different perspective.
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Thomas3.20.2010 Dec 12, 2017 9:22 AM
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I would lead by example. When I quit I did not say a word to my smoking Son. I just quit. Remember that more than 70% of smokers want to quit by their own testimony in polling. I zipped my lip and only addressed the fact that I cannot be around second hand smoke. Four Months later my Son told me he had Quit Smoking without me saying word one! So I asked him why he quit and he astonished me. He said, "Dad, if you could quit smoking after all those Years, then there's no reason I can't quit, too! Better now than later!"
My Son Just Told Me....
I don't know you or your Sister or your relationship. I know what worked for me.
Best Wishes and Congratulations on 64 Smoke FREE Days!
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Giulia Dec 12, 2017 1:46 PM
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I always open the conversation by saying: "If you ever want to quit, there's this great website with amazing people on it who have been there, done that and have lots of wisdom to offer. And they're just plain FUN to talk to!" We've all learned that the minute you start talking about smoking and quitting, the fear defense fence immediately goes up. We know this because that's how WE felt when someone did it to us. That's why I start with "if you ever want to...." IF I broach the subject at all.

Leading by example is the best way. Something that just occurred to me is that you could send a link to a particular blog that was fun, humorous, not too heavy handed, yet gets the points across. Maybe a particular blog from Best of EX? You know your sister, so you could pick one that you think might actually grab her and pull her in emotionally. You might simply say you've joined this great site and there's a wonderful blog you think she'd like....would she mind if you shared the link. Or just copy and paste the blog itself into an email and send it that way. We have to tread oh so lightly with smokers. Don't want to scare them away. Or you could plug her into a blog minorly related to quitting or find a group that you think might be interesting to her - again one that's kind of off-topic that would be a more gentle lead-in. Just an idea.
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elvan Dec 12, 2017 3:28 PM
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I never tried to get anyone to quit...at least not overtly. I DID talk a LOT about MY quit and about EX and how much support I was getting. I did not tell anyone that they should go there...I hated being told that I should quit, I KNEW that, I had known that for a very long time. I asked people to excuse my disorientation, my disorganization, and I explained that I quit smoking and that I was experiencing some side effects but that they were all worth it. Many people asked me how I did it and expressed an interest in the site. To my knowledge, no one came here but I would not necessarily know if they had. Right now, your focus has to be on YOUR quit, it is the only one you can control and you can celebrate it every day!
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JACKIE1-25-15 Dec 12, 2017 4:46 PM
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I would keep it VERY simple with a touch of love. If she doesn't already know I would let her know that you have quit smoking and let her know how happy that you are and quitting is doable. Realize that smoking is HER choice. In love share the information with her and let it go. Let her know that you will be willing to help her when SHE is ready.
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maryfreecig Dec 12, 2017 5:12 PM
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I prefer power of example. You can always talk about what you have faced in quitting and how you have gotten through it (the ups and downs)--but in no way recommending or pressuring her to quit--most smokers want to quit. It has to come on one's own initiative. When you are honest about your own struggles, that's something she is likely to listen to.
Only my two cents worth.
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smokenomorelpj Dec 12, 2017 6:29 PM
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Friends,

I will follow your advice. I will lead by example. Say nothing and let her see the happiness. I will introduce her to this amazing site though. But, I will just introduce it to her. I won't try to convince her of anything.

I think you're right on this one.

Lewis
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- elvan @ smokenomorelpj on Dec 12, 2017 9:43 PM
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  You can get cards to pass out...fill out the form and Mark will get them to you. I carry them with me all the time.
  BecomeAnEX Wallet Card Request
  I have also left them with doctors, at their request.
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  - Daniela-3-11-2016 @ elvan on Dec 14, 2017 6:57 PM
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    Thanks Ellen, I did not even know they existed, I have been writing down the website on post it for my co-workers!
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susan.m Dec 13, 2017 5:29 AM
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Lewis, glad you're leading by example.

I didn't realize it at the time, but I clearly paid a lot of attention to those around me who'd quit. I didn't wake up one morning and decide to quit, the seed had been planted many different ways.

Most of all, congratulations on your strong quit.

Who knows how many quitters you'll inspire just by being you. Very cool.

Susan
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minihorses Dec 14, 2017 8:50 AM
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I agree that you have decided not to SAY anything. My hackles would instantly go up and my teeth bared to anyone that told me I should quit, especially my mother. She had quit smoking 50+ years ago, before they started putting a bunch of crap in cigarettes, and thought it was so easy then so why couldn't I do it? It just made me mad that she didn't get it that it was an addiction to a drug as powerful as heroin and I resented her for it. I have since spoken to a few friends that want to quit and just told them how Chantix and this site has been saving my life, that it was very rough in the beginning, and that if they decided to start the process I would be their quit buddy and give them all the support they want. If they don't say anything about quitting I would never even dare to ask. I hope you are an inspiration to her just by your achievements alone and not what you do or don't say.

Julie 46 DOF
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rollercoaster831 Dec 14, 2017 11:58 AM
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I have to admit, I read this yesterday and knew what I wanted to say, but didn't quite know how to respond. Let me start by saying I agree with following by example and not specifically saying anything to your sister. Have empathy towards her because let's be truly honest here...noone WANTS to really smoke. All smokers want to quit deep down in their hearts and create excuses not to.

I have an older sister. She has other problems but she she was never a smoker....until the past 3-5 years. Many of her issues surround addiction and smoking and nicotine in my opinion are all some kind of addiction we are feeding. Needless to say, even if I told her to quit whatever she is doing at the time, it would do no good until she was ready to quit anyway. All it does is lead to strife. We don't need more strife in our lives.

At some point, your sister may get it and quit. She may not. She may end up being envious of your quit. She may resent you for your quit. It is YOUR quit and noone can take that away from you NOR should make you feel bad about it. Stay strong in your quit. Hope she follows your lead. That is all you can do.

Serenity Prayer - Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.
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Daniela-3-11-2016 Dec 14, 2017 7:06 PM
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Lewis, smokenomorelpj, I am a very direct and friendly person; I speak with everybody at work and did not make it a secret I was a smoker (I have co-workers who don't smoke at work, only outside the workplace). Anyways when I quit I told everybody; I wanted to feel accountable in front of everyone I knew, and to reinforce my decision by all means.
As the time went by, even smokers started asking me how I was doing. And that is when I told them about EX. And it was the honest truth: EX helped me keep my quit, guard it with all my might, educated me about the addiction, kept me going every day. If you feel it does the same for you, and if the opportunity presents, you could share your feelings of gratitude for where you are today, and the role EX is playing in your life. What I tell my friends is they don't need to open an account, they don't need to be seen by anyone, but they can browse the community, read the blogs, learn and prepare themselves for when they will be ready.
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