divert frustration

[quitter-wife]

I am a wife of a smoker. He has been trying to quit off and on for several years. I realize that this is one of the most difficult tasks anyone can take on. My question is how to redirect him when he tells me I am the reason for his not quitting in the past.  I have drive him nuts. To add to his problems he is disabled,  has chronic pain and other health issues. Do any of you have any suggestions to diffuse his anger with me? I try to leave the room, which just makes it worse. I know he is frustrated. Any help would be greatly appreciated.

[quitter-wife]

Please keep us in mind over the weekend. They are very challenging for us.

[Giulia]

You know taking deep breaths helps not only quitters but anybody going through stress.  Will keep you in mind.

[quitter-wife]

I need some brutally honest input on how I can better support him. What has worked for you (or anyone reading this conversation) during your quit?

[quitter-wife]

This weekend has been as expected. He was nicotine deprived Saturday morning and he road me all day on my not being able to "lift  him up". Take him out of his depression. When I try distract him from his current fears, I am being "argumentative".

I  took it all with a grain of salt all day letting him complain till this afternoon when I just had enough and I spoke back. Trying to defend myself. I realize it was selfish of me. He will have none of an apology. I need some advise how to help him. I need a quitter's perspective. Thank you to all of you for allowing spouse of a quitter to ask questions.

[JACKIE1-25-15]

I am so sorry that you have to deal with a situation like this.  I believe there is nothing you can do. The same way you can't cure an alcoholic you can not cure someone addicted to nicotine or how they act with or without smoking. Since there are signs of depression, which is causing arguments and complaining my suggestion is to seek professional, personal couples counseling and address the quitting smoking also  

[Giulia]

I'm sorry, but I don't think it is your responsibility to have to lift him up.  He has to figure out how to lift himself up.  And I don't think you're being selfish, either.  You are not responsible for his moods or depression.  I agree with Jackie about seeking profession help.  It appears that you will not win this battle on your own.  From the way you describe it you appear to be in a no-win situation, for everything you do will be wrong in his mind.  And if you do nothing, even that is wrong.  So, given that scenario you'll just have to choose the most pain-free approach.  It sounds like he doesn't want help as much as he wants someone to blame for feeling the way he does.  You can't solve that.  It seems he has made you his excuse for feeling bad.  You have to protect yourself too.  Don't play his game.

[desiree465]

I agree you need help from a professional. What he is doing is emotional abuse. 

[CommunityAdmin]

How are things going quitter-wife‌? How are you holding up?

Mark
EX Community Manager

[quitter-wife]

We are doing ok. 21days quit. Still having trouble finding things to get him out of the house. COPD and chronic pain are very difficult to work around .

He seems to be feeling the benefitsof not smoking. Perhaps soon he will feel good about doing something fun.

[elvan]

quitter-wife‌

I have COPD and chronic pain...severe pain...the WORSE thing I can do is to isolate myself and the BEST thing I can do is to try to find things that make me happy...whatever they may be.  Spending time in a pool, reading, using a stationary bike...the BEST treatment for chronic pain is activity and as much as a person in pain will argue that they cannot move...I am here to tell you that it is absolutely NOT TRUE.  There are bands he can stretch, he can do yoga for pain, he can get a stationary bike, he can find a pool where he can work out.  I have been there...I remember being told to work out and thinking the doctor was out of his mind, I couldn't even WALK.  I couldn't BREATHE.  I learned breathing techniques and while it is not easy, it is POSSIBLE to control breathing...it is possible to grow emotionally and physically...as long as we are alive, we have to do whatever we can to keep taking care of ourselves, physically and emotionally.  

Three weeks of freedom is awesome...for BOTH of you.  DO know that you are not alone.

Ellen