divert frustration

[quitter-wife]

I am a wife of a smoker. He has been trying to quit off and on for several years. I realize that this is one of the most difficult tasks anyone can take on. My question is how to redirect him when he tells me I am the reason for his not quitting in the past.  I have drive him nuts. To add to his problems he is disabled,  has chronic pain and other health issues. Do any of you have any suggestions to diffuse his anger with me? I try to leave the room, which just makes it worse. I know he is frustrated. Any help would be greatly appreciated.

[YoungAtHeart]

Perhaps it might help for him to UNDERSTAND his addiction.  If he reads "The Easy Way to Quit Smoking" by Allen Carr, he will understand that smoking does not one thing he thinks it does to help with the stress in his life.  It is all LIES!  (btw - the title of the book, imho is misleading- it ISN'T easy - but it IS doable).

The more he knows, the easier it will be for him to work at quitting.  Once he accepts that smoking does not one thing he attributes to it,  the more likely he will successful.

We are here at the ready when he is!  We can help with answers to his questions and support. 

Start with the reading, then get him to come here, if you can.

Nancy

[JACKIE1-25-15]

It is so kind of you to seek support for your husband.  I am sorry that it is causing you such frustration. and you have to take the blame for his failure to be a success at quitting smoking. Just like any other drug until he faces his addiction he will continue to make EXcuses.  You have to take deep breathes and realize until he is ready to quit smoking there is not a lot that you can do.  However, if he is computer literate you may direct him to this site to get support. 

[elvan]

No matter what he says...you are not responsible for his choice to smoke.  There are three C's that they teach in Alanon, my husband is a recovering alcoholic and he used to blame me for his drinking until I gave up.  Seriously, I simply no longer CARED if he drank himself to death and that was over 33 years ago.  The three C's are:  YOU did NOT CAUSE it, YOU cannot CONTROL it, and you cannot CURE it!  His smoking addiction is not your fault and he needs to face the fact that smoking does nothing FOR him...I say that as someone who has chronic pain, who has COPD, and a degenerative disc condition, I have undergone unimaginable stress in the past few years...SINCE I quit.  I faced the fact that smoking does not do anything FOR me but I am a poster child for what it can do TO you. I suggest that he read Allen Carr's book...I also suggest that he read blogs here...he can just be a "lurker"...he doesn't HAVE to participate and comment although that would be best.  No matter what, please, please do not take responsibility for his addiction...it is HIS, not yours and you are NOT responsible.  The only thing you can do wrong is to enable him...make him own his addiction and make him get his own cigarettes and clean up after himself.  Ignore the rest and take care of yourself.  YOU can only take care of YOU, no matter what, you cannot take care of him, he is an adult, he can deal with his OWN life...who knows, when he sees that you are not trying to quit FOR him, he just might wake up.  If not...it is NOT YOUR FAULT.

Best to you,

Ellen

[Giulia]

It sounds as if this has a lot to do with other things as well as quitting smoking in your relationship.  If you are badgering him to quit - I would suggest not doing that. That definitely won't help.  Speaking from my own experience, that just made me angry and want to smoke more.  If he's saying you're the reason he hasn't quit in the past ("I have drive him nuts") - well, that's the PAST.  Now is now.  Although addicts always have a reason (aka "excuse") not to give up or to return to their addiction, unless he brings up the topic - don't go there.

If you don't bring up his quitting, I don't see why there would be a need to re-direct?  I'm a little confused about who's the more frustrated here.  You because he can't quit,  or he because he hasn't been able to do it and you keep wanting him to? Or perhaps I'm totally off the mark there.   If he's disabled and in pain and dependent on you - I can see that making anybody pretty cranky.  I get really irritated with my husband because he often asks if he can help me with something I'm doing.  I am someone who if they need help will definitely ask. Unwanted advice and help can drive some people bananas and make them real snarky.  I'm an example of such.  

None of this is probably what you wanted to hear, but it's just my "take."  As we say on this site:  "Takes what works and leave what doesn't."   I hope some of the suggestions people offer here help.

[quitter-wife]

Thank you, I really appreciate your reply. I have been accused of being an enabler by him. He is in chronic pain and has COPD and is disabled. we have been married for 41 years and he was a smoker when I met him. I realize he is the  one who decided to smoke. So he is the one who needs to quit. I do not bring up smoking to him. He tells me he wants to quit and how well he does all day while I am at work. He said it is when I get home that he has the urge to smoke. I need some honest help to know how to help him and not irritate him. You sound like you have a common personality to him. Thanks for you insight. By the way, I have read the book by Allen Car, but he won't read it. He tells me what he needs is not in a book.

[desiree465]

He sounds depressed and frustrated. I know I would be. Sometimes when we're in a helpless situation we hurt the ones we love the most and that sounds like what's going on here. He may say that you're the reason he smokes but believe me it's not the truth, it's his addiction lying to him. He needs an excuse to smoke, that would be you, to justify doing something horrible for his health because he knows it's horrible for his health. I just hope that you know that. You can't control him but you can control how you react to him. I don't know if this site or a book is how you'll find a way to deal with this situation, maybe a therapist can point you in the right direction. Or maybe you can find an online group for people taking care of a disabled family member. You need a support system that is going to understand exactly what YOU are going through, because you deserve that. In the meantime vent to us and know that someone is always here to listen. 

[Lvyles]

You’re in a difficult situation for sure. Something that comes to mind for me is that he is definitely directing his frustration towards you but why is he so angry?  Imagine how, as a man, he could be angry because he cannot work and provide for his family, you are the breadwinner.  You said he stated he does better when you’re at work.  That sounds to me like he’s trying to blame you for his smoking and it is NOT your fault. Maybe he needs to talk to someone about what is really the root of his problems. Does he have any close buddies that perhaps you could reach out to that could maybe talk to him?  He doesn’t sound like the type that would talk to a professional willingly so a close friend might be the key. Until he accepts and understands his own feelings, he won’t quit.  He will use every reason in the book for an excuse to smoke, we all have.   Pushing him to quit will not work unless, as others have said, he’s ready to quit. 

[quitter-wife]

His one close friend pass away suddenly several years ago. So have been his sole confidant since then.

[quitter-wife]

Please understand I have not pushed him to quit. Maybe I should be?