Well I'm still plugging along... making it day by day for the most part. I have about 5 or 6 times a day when I "wish" I could have a smoke. Mostly just thoughts that I'm able to quickly dismiss; like midway through my morning routine, nearing the end of a meal, or after a long day etc. Today's been unusually tough though and I'm not sure why. I guess I'm just find myself thinking about smoking more.
I've been going outside and getting some air during the times I would've normally been smoking a week or so ago... and I did spend this past weekend around a bunch of smokers. I didn't really try to avoid them, I actually did the opposite. I think I secretly enjoyed the second hand smoke to some degree but also wanted to kind of test myself. I know that's totally stupid but I'm just being honest.
I'm afraid I might be glamorizing my quit to some degree and that scares me a bit. I need to get back to thinking in terms of giving myself a gift by not smoking, rather than depriving myself of something I want. I think I'm becoming complacent in allowing myself the luxury of thinking about smoking in a positive way. Even though I know I'm kidding myself, my addict brain is telling me the opposite.
I've been reading a lot about No Man's Land and while I realize I'm still a few weeks out, I think I'm kinda psyching myself up for it. Curious if there are other schools of thought on the withdrawal timeline... like maybe it gets easier each day instead of harder like NML suggests? I realize the "hell week" portion is the worst for physical withdrawal but I'm curious about the mental withdrawal... and also curious about what to expect in that regard. I feel like I did a good job preparing for my quit day but this was primarily based on dealing with the physical withdrawal. Now I guess I'm just getting a little scared since I seem to be thinking about smoking more just in the past few days... even though my body isn't reacting the way it was during the first 3 to 5 days.
I did drink alcohol for the first time as a non-smoker a few nights ago... that was interesting. I had a few beers and I definitely noticed the association to want to smoke, and again I went outside with one of my smoker friends and sat right there with her while she smoked and I didn't. I think I partly did this as a way to prove to myself that "I've got this"... "no big deal" etc. but in reality, maybe I'm playing with fire.
As I write this, I'm starting to question whether or not I'm even really serious about my quit or not. I mean I think I am... and maybe these "confessions" are actually just my way of busting my addict and getting it all out there on the table. Maybe if I say it out loud it will loose some of it's allure... and it won't be a secret anymore. Maybe I'm just entering into the mental stuff a little early lol
Anyway, this is where I am today. I'm happy to have this space to write these thoughts and I appreciate each hour that passes by smoke free. I'm doing this and I'm proud of myself... even though I know I don't sound very convincing!
