Ok. So I made it almost all the way to work without lighting a cigarette. I was praying and asking God to help me not to smoke. I was enjoying the fact that I could smell my perfume and that I was fresh and clean after my shower and my clothes had not a single trace of cigarette smoke on them.
Then I saw a man that I thought might be the Professor in Athens, GA that shot his wife and two students, he was walking down the street and my co-dependent side took over. I called 911 to report the man I saw walking near Lake Lanier. Shortly after my pulse had risen and I was all caught up in emotion and bs I thought, oh, you deserve a cigarette now, that was a very stressful situation. (I must tell you that my boss' wife was murdered in her home almost a year ago to the day, and I still have some moments where I become caught up in my thoughts regarding her death). So...after I hung up the phone with the police, I lit a cigarette. The funny thing is, I really hate them. There I was smoking this cancer stick. My body and mind screaming at me why? Why must you do this? They hurt my throat these days. They taste horrible and yet as I was smoking the cigarette I kept looking down at it and thinking oh, it is almost gone...wishing it was longer...or that it would last longer...thinking this could be my last one...and then I realized there was only one left in the pack.
That one could be my last one...Will I have what it takes not to buy another pack, that is my question to myself this morning...I don't think I will...I can almost see myself walking in to buy the next pack. I know I don't have to ....I could quit. Right now. This morning. I could be on the road to recovery right away, if only I don't DO it...don't go and buy the next pack. I feel afraid. As I have mentioned before, I drive a long distance each way to the project I am working on and it is when I am in the car that I have the most difficult time. I made it last night for about six hours without one.
