Oh My God I Hate Myself Right Now!!!!!

[cara]

I was doing so well, hadn't smoked for 3 days(which is a long time for me) and then I caved. See I had a real bad craving after work(I know it was just my brain) and came home almost in a full blown anxiety attack. My hubby and bro-in-law were here but I could hardly even talk to them. I went and laid on my bed trying to deep breath and get past it. My hubby came in just then and asked what was wrong. O.k. i will admit I did sort of scream at him something along the lines of " I WANT A F%@!&**%$ CIGARRETTE, THAT'S WHATS WRONG" And my formerly supportive husband gave me just the excuse I was looking for, he said" Baby if your gonna be this unhappy just go get a cigarrette" Within 30sec I was out the door and 4 min later I was smoking. I was so mad at myself and for a minute blamed him. I know logically it wasn't his fault. My subconcious found a way to get him to say something that i don't know, sort of gave me permission. What is wrong with me?? I read the Allen Carr post and it makes so much sense. Am I just a weak person. Now I don't know whether to wait until I can get another script for Chantix or actually "grow a pair" just do it. I am so depressed that i smoked. I've only had one today but I feel as badly as if I had 40. God, i am soooooo MAD at these damn things. What do I do?? How do I not do the same thing again? I saw my mom this weekend and sad as this is to say, she is a main reason for me to quit. NOt that she has, but she is 49 smokes about 3 packs a day and looks 59. Isn't it a sad thing to look at your mother and say goodness I don't wanna be like that. She is also the most unsupportive of me quitting. When I told her she said" well what made you want to do that?" No lie, that's what she said. I feel like a failure. I know its bad, i envy those who don't do it and here I sit, A smoker. I could just cry.

[angel6]

Cara.... You have gotten some amazing advice here! I would just like to add that alot of us have to make quite a few attempts at quitting before we get it right. So quit being so hard on yourself..... call this one "practice" . Remember practice makes perfect! You have learned from your last quit now take that lesson and succeed! You CAN do it!

Smoke free for One week, two days, 9 hours, 49 minutes and 0 seconds. 150 cigarettes not smoked, saving $28.98. Life saved: 12 hours, 30 minutes.

[robin18]

You can and will get through this. I thought and still think somedays I will cave but when that day is over I feel so proud that I got through yet another day without them. Your mom is not supportive because it makes her look at her addiction and she probably feels quitly about her own smoking. I am living with a smoker my husband who is just not ready to quit yet hopefully someday, but he is not real supportive either. He does not like to talk about how many days it has been for me or how hard it has been because it makes him look at his own addiction and when we smoke that is the last thing we want to think about. You are not a failure do not ever think that way. You need to think only positive thoughts and picture in your mind you a non-smoker. Have you tried the gum that has been my lifesaver. Good luck and we are all her for you.

Robin

[christine2007]

Chill... and just stick with that 'one'. You woke up from your relapse quickly and that's cool! Since I've quit smoking I've had a couple of revelations, here and there, about what it takes to succeed with things like quitting addictions and changing lifestyles as it relates to my psyche and my habits.

What I discovered was that when I relapsed I had sort of an amnesia about smoking... I went into this nether-realm outside of reality during my lapse. Interestingly, I could stay in that nether-world smoking until I got disgusted enough with myself to want to quit again.

I find this the exact same situation with dieting. Now that I'm quit (9 months and 13 days!!!) I want to shed the pounds I packed on. So, I make a commitment to do something healthy on a regular basis and for whatever reason I slip off my grand intentions... and back into the amnesiac's nether-world of anti-dieting or no-no exercising.

What makes us stay in that "I'm not gonna deal with it" place instead of instantly snapping out of our amnesia? I've thought long and hard about this and I think its just our conditioning to accept defeat as OVERWHELMING and to accept that it's ok to "look the other way" when we aren't doing what we should! I needed to find the "GET RIGHT BACK IN THERE" gumption so that I don't waste days, weeks, months as an amnesiac!

There's no rule that says you must stay off the track for more than one of anything whether that's a cigarette or a doughnut! I'm going to use the ten second rule for any future lapses... lapse if I must... and get over it asap!

[cara]

You guys are so wonderful. I am sitting here crying just reading all of this. This support from total strangers is unbelievable. I have realized that I could depend on the chantix, for some reason i feel i can't do it without it, but I look at all of you and see that many of you did it without meds. My lapse did turn into more than one, I actually smoked a couple today. I think I was still pretty down on myself and in the "Oh well I messed it up so I might as well mess it up good" frame of mind. I read the gentlemen's post about the bypass, and as I have seen many post-op bypasses ( i am an ICU nurse) I cried when really understanding the fear. I mean I care about my patients but to a degree you have to seperate yourself in order to perform at your highest capacity. But I never put myself in their shoes. This is my question to all of you.....

I know I can do this, I've already seperated all of my triggers, Is it better to set a date or to just do it????? I want the best chances. I kind of feel as if setting a date is just allowing myself an excuse to smoke longer. What are your opinions?? I want this so badly. I want to be healthier and happier. I mean if I can go 13 hrs at work with out one I can do this right??

[christine2007]

Cara, everyone is so different. Some people can do cold turkey... others need multiple attempts. When you sit down with just yourself... and close your eyes... see what your mind tells you to do. Will it tell you 'now' is the time to stop? Or, will it tell you to set a new date? Only 'you' know what will be for you.

I read a book called "The Three Only Things" by Robert Moss. In this book he talks alot about dreams... and how we can use them and meditation to help solve some of our life's problems and questions.

So, ask yourself, in a quiet moment... what should you do... and trust that you 'will' definitely get the answer. Just don't let your wonderful momentum slip through your fingers. You can do this. I'm proud of only a handful of things in my life... and quitting smoking is RIGHT NEAR THE TOP!

I sit here tonight, in what used to be a smoke filled, stinking office... now in a clean, sweet smellling place that is much more connected to the real me. This is really what you want for yourself.
Smile...
Christine

[diana25]

Cara,

I am no PRO at this...I have been quit for merely 3 almost 4 days...my first quit EVER. I did smoke for 20 years....the past 8 years maybe 10 cigarettes a day, in college I know it was a pack a day. Managed to quit while pregnant (only one cig. every two weeks or so) but then went right back at it. Never wanted to really quit until now.

So far so good. I'll share with all of you what I wrote to myself in a piece of paper, laminated it (yesterday) and put it in my back pocket for reference during the day:

Smoking nicotine cannot solve any crisis!

Never take another puff!!! If I have one puff it's over and I will be back at it again (puffing away).

The cravings are terrible, but they couldn't be nearly as bad as cancer, emphysema, etc...

Stop cravings by stopping the cycle.

"I'm not smoking today!!" (This one really helps - it is more realistic, day by day and soon enough it will be a lifetime!)

Don't smoke no matter what!!!

MY PROMISE TO MY BOYS - "MOMMY: PINKY PROMISE??" (It made this a stronger compromise - not only my husband would think, "she can't do it"...but also my kids?!?! I have always kept my promises, this one IS THE HARDEST, but I don't intend to make it an exception).


I ALSO INCLUDED A PICTURE OF THIS GUY WHO DIED AFTER 3 MONTHS OF BEING DIAGNOSED WITH CANCER (BRIAN, I THINK) - IN THE PIC HIS WIFE, HIS 3 YR.OLD BOY AND HIMSELF....SOOO SAD)

Anyway, I am only starting on this journey and this website help tremendously!!!! I read a lot from here and from whyquit..... HANG in there!!

Someone in Nicotine Anonymous (which I have been attending for the past month) told me - NEVER quit quitting!

I SET MYSELF A QUIT DATE. LIKE YOU I FELT IT GAVE ME MORE TIME TO SMOKE.....TALKED TO A HELP LINE AND THEY SUGGESTED NOT TO SPACE MY CIGARETTES OUT UNTIL QUITTING...TO SMOKE AS I NORMALLY DID. Yes, it gave me permission to keep on smoking, but I DID NOT CRAVE IT (that's what they said was important - not craving it yet!!!) and when the day came (Sunday - July 13th) I guess I was more ready.....

Lets help us out - this journey is for a lifetime......and we don't want to smoke again!!!

You said you were in TX?? I am too.... my MSN is DianaCastillo@satx.rr.com - we can chat live here whenever you feel like it - I am on most of the day.

Let's keep in touch, Diana

My name is Diana, and I am a nicotine addict.
I have stopped nicotine for 3 days, 22 hours, 3 minutes and 31 seconds (3 days).

I've not smoked 39 death sticks, and saved $8.82.
I've saved 3 hours and 15 minutes of my life.

[jen-b]

I have to tell you that this sounds just like the many, many, many times that I beat the myself up for being human. I'm learning to think of quitting smoking as a process filled with baby steps, we fall, we get back up, we fall again, we get back up...we get tripped up and we stumble forward. Eventually we learn a whole new way of getting around, and again, just like a little toddler, our world grows exponentially with each new horizon that we cross. You are going to do this! You will have to find your own way just like the rest of us and along the path you will learn a whole new way of viewing yourself - with compassion, forgiveness, respect and ultimately dignity - but none of these things is simply manifested overnight.
My husband and I gave each other permission to just go get a cigarette innumerable times and in fact, we finally realized that we needed to support one another, but that we needed to approach our quitting as individuals (if he slips it does not give me permission to slip and vice versa). So far so good. I have to tell you, I was getting pretty discouraged myself, in fact, i was beginning to think I would just stop trying and then this thing welled up in me and i realized that I've been in control all along the same way that you are...you are the one in charge, don't let yourself be fooled into thinking any differently! Even when you light up, you make a choice to, you are the one in control. You decide which way you want to see your life go, you manifest the vision of the you that you want to become and get started making it happen. It really is important not to have even one cigarette though, be honest with yourself about the way that they entice you back in and all it takes is one little puff. I realized that each time I went back to smoking I was really planning to do so in the back of my mind (I was planning to 'slip' and looking for my justification). I have to be on guard for this aspect of my personal process; be vigilant about monitoring the thoughts and visions I have of how my day will progress and notice when a cigarette starts to take shape. It's important to change your image of smoking, envision yourself smoking with an oxygen tank on, or full of IV tubes outside of a cancer ward choking down just one more cigarette before your next round of chemo. Another trick I use when I start lying to myself and telling my self that a smoke will lift my mood, or give me more energy, or make me more calm, is to rearrange the thinking into statements such as wow, a diagnosis of heart disease would probably put me in a pretty bad mood, or I bet people going through chemotherapy are inconceivable exhausted and pretty moody. Rearranging these thoughts helps me take an honest, objective look at the consequences of my smoking habit and not romanticize it.
Finally, if there's one really valuable thing I've learned it's that God loves us even when we smoke. My faith is very important to me and so I'm relying on finding God-given strength when my human weakness begins to wear me out. So last but certainly not least you have to be ready to take a huge leap of faith and see what sort of future you land in. Take care and I wish you all the very best.

[manofsteele]

the addict inside you wants to smoke and make excuses ....

do you still want to voluntarily poison yourself and just listen to your inner addict ?

if you want to be a non smoker ...do it and stop making excuses < grin > ..... its just the way I think ...seize the day and start your smoke free life and enjoy not being controlled again by poison that can kill you ....

u can do it !

[cindy25]

Cara, to answer your question about setting a date or not....there is no reason your date could not be tonight or tomorrow. If you have dealt with your triggers (like you are not smoking with your coffee, while driving, after meals, etc) anymore...then QUIT! Just do it now. The date setting part of Ex is to give you some time to deal with the BEHAVIOR of smoking, to get a PLAN in lace and to EDUCATE yourself and get connected with SUPPORT. If you have done this...JUST QUIT! You can do this Cara! Believe it.

[debbie-bishop]

I am someone who thought I'd never quit. I quit so many times I couldn't count. The thing I missed was having something to hold and puff on. Use the gum or patch and try a cinnamon stick. I used a easy quit cig. It's a plastic cig that has mint in it. An inhaler might help too. You have to have a prescription for it. With women it is the lighting up and handling part that is hard for us. Hang in there. You will get through this.

Moochie