Nothing positive to say

[Fraydenz]

I decided 30 years ago, after smoking for 5 years already, that if nothing else killed me, I would hope like hell smoking would. Well, 30 years later I kind of regret that, but it is coming true. I have a lump in my throat and every time I think I am going to quit smoking - which is every fucking day - I go and get a sugary alcoholic drink that acts like Dayquil so I can "enjoy" smoking another day. By which I mean I freak the F out and get booze and smokes instead of quitting.

Obviously this last few years has been hard on everyone. I thought about going to AA but I live in a Trump town. I know people in AA and they don't even believe the virus is a thing. So I huddle in my trailer waiting to die, while the treatment specialists consider anyone who wears a mask to be a 'tard'.

Anyway, as far as I know there is no help, because that would be socialist or something. I would pull myself up by my own bootstraps like I'm supposed to, but I can barely breathe.

It was said I should type my thoughts, so here they are. I don't generally speak to anyone because all I can offer is depression. 

Thanks.

[Barbscloud]

Glad you didn't have time to delete your post.  You're reaching out for help--that's the first step.

Barb

[Rosie1917]

I work in a hospital in Brooklyn and am urging you to take the risk. I have lost far too many patients in the last year to cancer because they were afraid to come in for treatment. They didn't have to die. My mom had cancer this summer and was going to put it off until the pandemic ends, but I made her go for treatment. They operated and got it all. She does her therapy and her 6 month checkup came back clear.  Please see if there is a doctor that offers virtual visits. An oncologist will need to see you in person, at least a few times depending on that lump. Wear as many masks as you need. Roll up to the clinic in a dang bubble. Bring your best idiot-stick to defend yourself with. And feel entitled to calling up a doctors office and interview them about safety precautions they are taking. 

This is YOUR life. You may have made the same mistakes we all have in the past, but today you can make a turn. Many hugs. 

-Rosie 

3 DOF and too many prior attempts to count.

[JACKIE1-25-15]

[Christine13]

i'm so glad you are here and that you shared how you are feeling.  You will find a lot of good support here.

Yes, checking with your Dr. should help and you could always ask him/her to help you with your quit.

Good idea to get a check-up too, and find out if you need meds for depression.

[elvan]

I am glad you did not delete this post and I am also glad that you saw all of the responses you got.  We are all trying to recover from nicotine addiction...quitting is not an event, it is a one day at a time journey.  We want to help you and we will support you in any way that we can.  Please see a doctor about your throat and please talk to either that doctor or someone else who specializes in treating depression.  You really need some help...please seek it out.

Ellen

[elvan]

It’s a new day...how are you doing? Thinking of you,

Ellen

[Fraydenz]

Well, I started today with nicotine gum, and I thought it tasted quite nice with my coffee. I noticed I could already breathe better since I didn't have a smoke immediately. It was nice. Then I dug my crumpled pack out of the garbage and pieced together a couple full smokes. Should have soaked them I guess. Anyway, they took all that good feeling away, replacing it with tiredness and the taste of ashes.

I don't know how my health insurance works, it's so nice how this country fights so hard against health care for all. I don't have the energy to do much of anything, especially figuring out that kind of crap. Every time I do have energy I smoke, which weakens me so all I can do is read trash novels. Till I have enough energy to smoke, which tires me, and so on. That's been the last 12 months, really. Since we can't really go anywhere or do anything but stay home, I figured that's not so bad. Aside from it killing me at least it's something to do. I need to quit smoking before I will be able to handle dealing with insurance.

I don't know how today will go. The thing about cigarettes is that if I don't have any, I can just go get some within a few minutes. They're everywhere and easily available. So if I start freaking out, 5 minutes later I have cigarettes.

Smoking is the most normal thing in the world for me, like deciding not to drive ever again even tho I have a car sitting right there. And I do know every smoker goes through similar stuff, but knowing that helps me not at all. I'm not sure what would. Being locked in a treatment facility for a week would do it, but there are no treatment facilities to quit smoking. Rambling...

Anyway, thanks. Maybe checking here now and then will help.

[anaussiemom]

Fraydenz‌  Oh my your words, your thinking, sounds so similar.   You are not alone.  This is relatable to many of us.(me)  3 weeks strong and it is not easy.   To be honest some days are damn right good.  Some days are gawd awful.  You can do this.  I believe in you.
I enjoy smoking too.  (slow suicide I tell myself, which it is)!
Thank you for sharing your honesty @Frazdenz

[Rosie1917]

That you even tried the gum is HUGE! And you like it too! Even better! 

I used to think exactly the same way about the ease of obtaining new smokes. Hell, up until this current quit, I was in tears over not being able to just get locked up. Great minds think alike I suppose.  

For your health insurance, just let the doctor's office handle all that nonsense. This is what we get paid to do.  

I'm not sure if you have read this yet or not, but there is a fantastic book called Allen Carr's Easyway To Stop Smoking. I HIIIIGHLY recommend this to every single person I meet (even online). It costs less than a pack of cigarettes to buy and the lesson you learn sticks with you forever. It has helped most everyone I know who has quit...to quit. And its helping me. 

Please try not to beat yourself or get down for grabbing up "Frankensmokes". I'm pretty sure we have ALL been there more than once (re-rolls were all I could afford for years). You aren't a failure, you gave an honest shot to something new. It will take time and a change in perspective and support and some practice to develop a plan that works for you. 

You can do this! We really do believe in you. 

-Rosie (5 dof, fellow new quitter)

[sweetplt]

Fraydenz So happy you are giving it a try...keeping close to here will help you...makes you accountable to others and yourself...Come here and write a post Help before you go buy smokes...wait for three responses and then decide what you will do...give us a chance to talk you from buying...Gotcha in my thoughts ~ Colleen