Yesterday afternoon and evening was not what I would call a good one. I was having a bipolar meltdown. I know the script of the movie that usually occurs when I need to talk about how I feel, especially when it comes to husband and family. So, I write and I did. The words were of how I'm a horrible, lazy, person who does not take care of my husband, family, anything around the house (I couldn't tell you the last time I cleaned more than 2 rooms) and that I'm not worthy of even wasting another precious day of God's gift of life. I love my husband deeply but I'm sick of his pattern of coming home from work, going straight out to the garage to start up his work computer, opening a beer and popping in a movie. He stays out there and works from home (which he doesn't get paid for), piddles around with stuff, fixing some stuff and having a few beers. He rarely comes in to have dinner and we don't sleep in the same room. I just want some attention and conversation. We might talk 5 minutes a day and now that I don't go out to smoke we don't even talk that long. It hurts.
Then I realized that I get more love and support from people on this site that I don't even know than I do from my family!
So today is another day and I'll do my best to pick myself up and brush of the quicksand. I'll try to do better at life than I did yesterday. I'll try to care more about the good things and not focus on what I feel is missing. I'll have that chat with the lady in the glass and work towards loving her. There is one thing that I REFUSE to do, smoke! If I have strength enough for that I can make it through another challenging bipolar day.
So thanks my friends for helping me along my journey.
Julie 30 DOF!!!
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