Maybe this is overkill...but I am going to hammer the hell out of my ecigs, pods, and accessories.
Think of that movie Office Space when they took the printer out to a field and just went to town on it.
Ya...
I have been planning this all week.
I quit tomorrow all nicotine and I am not going to look back. I want this. I am nervous. I am excited. I am confident. I am a sniffling child afraid of losing her comfort blanket for difficult emotions. I am feeling proud of my decision and the steps I have taken this past week or so to prepare. And I also feel insane for thinking I can quit this. And, yet, here it is...
The final hour.
So, I am having a glass of wine. My favorite. Pinot Noir Blanc. And I am having my last moments of sucking on this...stick. But, it has to be ceremonious for myself or...I will not make it.
The reason I chose to hammer the hell out of my ecig, pods, and accessories is quite simple:
I do not want to cave and buy a whole new set of these.
I have attempted to quit the e cig so many times over the last couple years. I have not once caved on cigarettes. I quit cigarettes and did not ever look back two and a half years ago. So, now, I have to do that with this ecig.
When I have quit the ecig, it has only been for a day, three at the most. It is so damn expensive, way more expensive then cigarettes, that I have given them away. When I have thrown them out, I have dug through the trash later in the day to just relish that I do not have to buy it again to feed my addiction. Anyone who says nicotine is not like a drug addiction is...an asshole. I have done gross things like digging it out of the trash without blinking an eye.. I even once gave them to a displaced person thinking it would be better then cigarettes for them. Kinda dumb when they would need a power source to charge it. I tried, damn it, to justify how to get rid of these things before, feel good about it, or like I got rid of it...
But this time...I am going to hammer my ecig like Office Space. I could not think of a better quitting ritual for this final quit.
Ha!
This past couple weeks, I have read so many other people's testimonials, stories, facts, and quit resources.
Thank you to past quitters for sharing and all the resources available on this site. It has helped me a ton!!!
My big takeaway is that...nicotine does not make things better for me. It just blankets my awkward emotions. Painful emotions. Moments of doubt. And boredom.
I took on a little more then usual this past couple weeks to prepare myself for dealing with the still moments I would have just sat and smoked. I stopped bringing my ecig to work with me and would only allow myself to use it at lunch by walking to my car or end of day. I left it behind to run errands, see people, and...I am still scared.
I spent some time with people I care about doing fun things so that I would have the peace of mind in the coming weeks while I spend time alone that my relationships with my friends and family are ok. I let the people I doubt for support know that I will be unavailable for a little while. I asked my husband to be patient with me and aware this next couple of weeks but to not feel he has to walk on eggshells. I have prepared and planned and yet...I am still scared a little of the nicotine monster and how it will try to convince me to buy another ecig to solve all my emotional doubts. But I will not. I am stronger then smoking on a stick of nicotine. I am more than that.
And damn, I am going to feel so good when it's over.
I even cut back on coffee in the morning and put my coffee maker away in a cabinet today.
Planning to not do caffeine.
I bought tooth picks that have cinnamon and tea tree oil for driving to distract me from wanting to smoke while I drive.
I bought daily vitamins that are those gummy ones because I hate swallowing the big vitamin pills. I figure it will help my quit to have daily vitamins on a regular basis verse my usual on and off again way of taking them...
I went to concerts, I drank with friends, celebrated birthdays, and had my ecig close the whole time knowing that...this day was coming.
I had my last hoorah.
I am also not going to drink alcohol for a while, while I work on staying quit. Drinking has not ever been that important to me. Honestly, I am more about hiking and yoga. My friends think I joined a yoga cult I go everyday already. And hike with my dogs in the mountains every chance I get. So, I have good habits already in place. I just need to quit.
Tonight, I pulled my bass out and searched for all my cables, pedals, etc. I set it all up and practiced music for a show I am playing live in a week. I have not played live in 3 and half years! I am not nervous. It felt amazing to play my bass again and figure out all these songs by ear that I will play next week with this awesome band at a fun music festival happening downtown. My friends are so excited I will play bass again even if its just for a moment. It used to be a big part of my world. But then...I found design. And omg, I love designing things. And its time consuming. So, I stopped playing in bands. Its ok. But maybe this is just what I need to bring back into my life to deal with my quit? I don't know. I am grasping at straws. I am grasping at life. I am thinking of everything and nothing and everything I can do to keep the awkward emotional moments at bay and fill them with focused creative thought and self love. I love that this will keep my fingers and mind busy my first week of quitting. It also made me realize how messy my garage is. I have art supplies all over the place in an organized mess of boxes and small containers. I could make the garage a whole work shop, clean all this up, and make it more... I will have so much to do cleaning that up. I have a ton of projects like that to fill my time in the coming weeks.
I took on a new freelance design job too that I am excited about. It will involve a lot of computer work, graphics, and prepping it for a CNC machine. It will be a wood design, so lots of sanding after that before we install it. And I am excited to work with the designer who asked me to do this with her. Usually I would say no. But I am all about saying yes, yes, yes to everything for a little while to get through my first couple months of quitting.
Yep, I am piling myself with stuff to do outside of work. I have to stay busy. Too busy to think about smoking. Maybe this is not right for others. But, I know me. I thrive at being busy. And I also like naps.
So, I left myself time for naps too...who does not love a good nap? I love napping and listening to a guided meditation to chill me out. If you have not realized it already, I am a creative person.
I am constantly on.
I have no off switch.
And smoking helped me deal with it.
So,
I have to learn to slow down...
without smoking...
yet,
be busy.
It's a conundrum.
But,
I can do it.
Mostly worried about the mornings. That is going to be the hardest. I thought about going to yoga at 6am which I never do so that's a stretch. I do not expect myself to become a different person over night but, if it gets me through the next couple weeks...I'll do it. I usually go to yoga later in the day after work. But, it's an option before work. And I have 3 dogs but usually have the evening shift to walk them. I thought...I could walk them in the morning instead. OMG am I not prepared? Am I over prepared? Is this overkill?
Ok, just sharing my last moments of being a smoker.
Gonna sit here... and listen to music...
drink a glass of wine, and then...go smash these ecigs into bits with a hammer.
Mentally, I will not ever forget that I did this and will remember that to stop myself in the coming weeks from ever purchasing this stuff again.
I can do it.
Thanks for reading.
Thanks for your support.
Much love,
Samantha
