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I'm adding my blog post here for those people who only check into this area for support. Being out as gay since I was 16, I've always thought of myself as a rebel, because I came out at an age and at at a time when it was a lot more dangerous to do so. So I had to be sort of tough-skinned, and the cigarettes were a shield for that in-your-face sort of stand. Now that times have changed and I'm 45, I don't need that prop anymore, but I still have a fear that without it, I'll be vulnerable. These thoughts are what lead me to write the following:
Today is day nine, and I feel better physically. My breathing is already improved, and I smell clean, too. These are good things.
But the one thing I cannot get past is the psychological aspects of the quit. The little rebel that defined me is dead or dying. Why? Because I used to use cigarettes as a successful prop. I was adamant about having my freedom to smoke because everybody was telling me that I was somehow a lesser person because I did smoke. Don’t tell me I can’t do something, because I’ll do it more. I can feel this little rebel rise within me when people who have never smoked congratulate me for quitting. In my mind, they’re really telling me, “You see, we knew you’d eventually do what we say to do. Glad you’re falling into line.”
Now, I know that this is just another way my nicotine addiction is trying to get me to smoke again, and I’m glad I can be honest with myself about it. But it doesn’t stop the running yammer of the line that I’ll never be me anymore, that I won’t be the little rebel I took so much pride in. In fact, I think it would have been better to have quit when there wasn’t so much social pressure to quit smoking. Then I could have said convincingly that I’m doing it for myself, that nobody told me to do it. I wouldn’t feel like I’m giving those smug people the satisfaction of feeling responsible for my quit.
Of course, the only reason I’m writing this blog is to get the psychological sickness up and out of me. I know I wouldn’t have done it if I really didn’t want to quit. I’m writing it for you, too, if you’re a little rebel like me. We don’t need cigarettes polluting our lungs in order to take a stand against whatever we want to take a stand against. We can do it longer now, with louder voices, and be ourselves without an oxygen tank following behind us. We are stronger without smokes and don’t need them anymore to make a statement for our uniqueness and individuality.
Keep the Quit!
~Michael
