Its time to make an example

[moon2]

I cannot believe how smoking has taken over my life. It is almost to the point now that I am afraid to give it up because it is so much a part of who I am and what I do in a routine. I am a counselor, a substance abuse counselor and I feel horrible that I now closet smoke because I cannot stand being such a horrible example any longer. I am trained to alert the dangers of smoking and inform on the addiction, yet I am addicted. I love this site!

Anyone else in my boat?

[louise2]

I couldn't have said it better myself!!! I am a counselor also who has smoked for years, quit many times and started again. It's almost as bad as working in a bar and restaurant!!! When I worked at Hazelden Foundation many years ago, there was a cigarette machine outside the cafeteria!!! They now promote total well being and abstinence from all drugs, including cigarettes. I have absolute faith in myself more so than ever before. I attribute it in large part to the wonderful network of support here. The commercials, is what really got me to think. I am now on day 54,have saved $300.00 added 3 days, 12 hours and 14 mins. to my life and I have not smoked 989 cigarettes!!! That feels great. You can do this. Just turn it around to support yourself in you own workplace. Thanks, for starting this group.. Louise

[moon2]

Louise, you rule! I am preparing everything to quit right now. Deep cleaning my car, etc. I never smoke in my home, but am taking all the ashtrays off my porch and making myself a rule that I WILL NOT smoke in my car! Thats where all my smoking occurs. If I can stop smoking in my car, I am certain that I can quit all together. I did the whole quiz on here and it said I am not ready to start a quit date yet and told me what I needed to do in order to get it started. THANKS SO MUCH!! I really,really want to do this! I dont want to be a closet smoker anymore. I want to be healthy and help others quit too. I cant bring myself to tell someone else to quit, if I cannot do so myself. It starts with me. 🙂 Thanks Louise! 🙂

[louise2]

No Problem, It's easier than you think!!! "Think<" being the KEY word.I know exactly where you are coming from. I got so EXHAUSTED just being a closet smoker to my clients and I felt like a triple HYPOCRITE!!!!OMG. I really did.. So, I hear you. I got to the point where I was simply tired of the entire ritual and I really had begun to hate smoking. Thats when I really fully realized MY addiction. So, work the program, trust the process, and all that we teach. Leading by example, will become one of your strongest suits. I simply got to the point, where I realized that I really didn't want this in my life anymore. Getting your car clean, is a good step. And guess what.... I've got a news flash for ya, sweetie, You are not as much of a closet smoker as you may want to think you are... Nor was I or anyone else. You know that most people can smell you.... even though we take steps to not smell. I used perfume, deoderizers for the car, breath mints, mouth wash in my car and spit it out the window (Which the thought of this really grosses me out now.) I did, I used to keep bottled water, toothbrush, toothpaste and mouth wash in my car and use them daily!!!! Most of the people I know still knew that I smoked. So, we were/ aren't really Closet smokers, we just "THINK" we are. There's that word THINK, again. You'll do great when you are ready. I cannot stress enough to follow the website guidance and do each step until you get it down. Definitely use something to help you get through. I used the Nicoderm Patches. My doctor prescribed them for me and all I had was a $7.00 co-pay. Little known fact, Some Insurance companies will cover them. So get yourself good and ready. I'm here for you. See all you had to do was start a group and you found me!!! Stay in touch. Aloha, Louise

[moon2]

Yeah, I really want to see about medication and such. I am scared I cannot do it alone. Funny I am so afraid to quit something. I am not afraid of anything. Not even death. But I want to be alive and I want to be healthy. Its letting go of the ROUTINE!!!! I am secure in my routine. It is safe. It is consistent. It is making me want to smoke right now. Because it is hard to say I depend on that and it has become unhealthy.

Yeah, the perfumes, mints, constantly brushing of the teeth, etc...... oh my word, if you only knew! The lengths I go to. It is getting exhausting.

Can I be brutally honest?Please dont be offended either cause its almost mean.

Here was an excuse I had for a long time and I still stand by it, just not as an excuse to keep smoking.

It is no longer acceptable to be a smoker. Which I support. Its time for change. I get it. But you would not walk up to a big fat person and say, "can you please put don that burger, you are grossing me out?!" It is almost discrimination.

Thats why I came to this site. I dont need to be told I am a dirty rotten smoker anymore, I GET IT!!!!!! Jesus! No one wants to quit more than me. But anything is addicting! And just as harmful! FOOD FOOD FOOD is number one, above smoking! Look at America! It is FAT!!!

I smoke and I hate it, hate it, hate it! God help me, I want to stop this! But in every other area of my life, I take care of myself. I kickbox everyday, I eat balanced meals, drink a gallon of water, etc. I am in shape! Why is it that people are so hard on smokers but not anyone else for their harmful contributions to society. I mean, because that is what it is. What effects one, effects a community, a state, a nation, the world.

I hope that was not mean. Because I am just so frustrated! I want to smoke right now too and that does not help anything. I am ready to get in my car and go buy smokes! No Moon! No no! ha ha ha ha ha

[moon2]

how incredibly random was all that? amazing how not having a cigarette will make you type super fast and fail to make a point. ha ha ha

[louise2]

You make me laugh!! No I'm not offended in the least. You make a good point. Obese people do hurt society, in general but, the main difference with smoking, is that it directly harms non-smokers as well as the smoker. "Fat," people by nature do not harm other people as well as themselves. They only hurt themselves and possibly their loved ones but, not the general populus by doing something we all must do breath.. You will find, particularly in the beginning, that at times, being on this site, will make you want to smoke, make you think about smoking etc. alot. As you said, you wanted to smoke rightnow! That, is part of this process. Believe me when I tell you, I had a very difficult week trying to read, communicate with others on this site in the beginning cause all I wanted to do was smoke more. Actually, someone else brought it up in a blog and then I realized what was happening to me was happenning to alot of others as well. It's strange, but, true. So that sad, Take your time and allow yourself, your anger, validate it. You have every right to be pissed off because you are facing the fact that you don't want to be a smoker anymore. Thats huge.Let it be. Get furious if thats what itm takes. Such a crappy injustice. You are otherwise in great shape and healthy so, you ought to be able to smoke damn it!!! Work through it and you will oneday look back and wonder what all the fuss was about... It's gonna be O.K. That much I will promise you and I don't make promises..Very often. Talk soon.

[moon2]

I see what you are saying but I disagree about obese people. They are harming society by the example they set, by the values they pass down in their children...children are our futures. They hurt us by claiming disability through various medical complications they obtain through that lifestyle. I have never been for smoking in diners, bars, etc. Especially not in front of children. Or in view of children. To me, obesity hurts everyone and society as a whole by everything that it effects. Health insurance policies, the taxes we pay to enable someone "disabled" that they brought on themselves, etc. If I die because I smoked myself to death, do not cry for me ! I deserve it! Use me as an example. This is what happens through poor choices. It is the same for me with alcohol. I do not drink! Not even a little. But yet, that lifestyle of others effects me and society and laws exist to keep us safe from those who cannot be safe while they drink. I dont want to be killed by a drunk driver.

I live in Iowa and we just passed a huge non-smoking EVERYWHERE law (as I like to call it)...and I was in total support of that law!!!!! Its time for change. But come on!! There are some places you cannot even be hired if you are a smoker because they do not want to insure smokers....well, then you cant insure anyone overweight, or someone who drinks everyday, drinks too much coffee, soda, etc. Everything can be bad for us if we do it too often, too much and abuse it. And everything can be abused. You can kill yourself by even drinking too much water! There is such a thing as being over hydrated!!!

ha ha ha ha! Listen to me, its almost sounding as I am defending the right to smoke because everyone else is fat, an alcoholic or abusing something of some kind. ha ha ha ha.

Eventually I want to be a non smoker so I am a self righteous jerk completely! ha ha ha ha!

Not really of course. That was a total frustrating moment again. Have not given in yet though. I will tackle tomorrow when it begins. I can only think about right now.

How can it be so painful to get healthy again?

I really believe to quit smoking will give me balance. Because smoking for me is something I have used to personalize who I am. Like I tell a joke, take a drag, and then deliver the punch line. Everyone laughs, I smash my cigarette under my heel and exhale with a chuckle.

Or my coined catch phrase, "Lets smoke about it". I have begun to believe with all these clever methods, that smoking can solve everything....even a math problem. Whats the square root of 34302573...lets smoke about it, suddenly it comes to me.

And it is clear I am defeated by that. Its like smoking helped me socially. It helped me think. It helped me figure out how to be ok with myself. And suddenly I dont love it anymore. I want to divorce my cigarettes, but .... I cant?

[louise2]

Of course you are right in all that you just said. I was merely saying that being obese, is a choice and that even though I know it affects children by example, society in general, think I did say that. And of course medical issues Insurance etc. By far, smoking does more directly affect other people. Don't get me going on drunk drivers!!! My neice, my brothers only child, was killed by a drunk driver at 17 years of age... Anyway, I do understand and sympathize with you. You are giving up a Love, something that you have closely identified 150% of yourself with. Who will you be without that cigarette?? Is the question. I can think of several things already without really even knowing you yet. You are obviously a very compassionate, caring, loving woman who gives freely of herself to help others. You are into exercise and otherwise lead a very healthy life. Sounds like you beat drinking ??You know I struggled with these issues for years. You know the saying ,"Physician heal thyself" ??? Why,, WHY WHY...if I could help so many other people with their various insundry addictions, couldn't I help myself to quit smoking????? I don't know if I ever actually came up with an answer for myself, other than I just got really sick and tired of the whole ritual, routine and felt so sick and so disgusted and literally weak and tired and dizzy that when I saw this become an ex site, it must have been perfect timing. However, I have had few moments as this before and relapsed even after 2 years so, like many others I need to be extremely mindful at all times. Hawaii, has passed similar laws as Iowa. It seems you cannot smoke anywhere. Not even on Golf Courses or in Public Parks or at the beach. Caused a huge controversy here with the Board of Tourism. The Japanese tourism numbers are way down because they are heavy smokers. Life, is interesting no??? You will sort through all this and please stay in touch and I appreciate you and your honesty. Hang in!! Have a great weekend and stay mindful!

[moon2]

You nailed it entirely. I have overcome many things in my life. Huge, huge addictions that almost killed me, yet here I am...still smoking cigarettes. Come on! I had everything working against me in other battles and everything going for me now. I own property, I have money, recently married, and a fantastic job as a director...what the hell? Why am I smoking? What is it? I want to know. Everytime I light a cigarette now...there is guilt, shame, anger, rage even...yet satisfaction, comfort, pleasure. I get it...the brain, the receptors.....but its more than that. There is something more to it. Something I am associating with smoking that has defeated me.

Its funny (but not funny really) because I think there should be laws that if you are a parent you cannot be a smoker or expose your children to smoke in anyway. Shit, I think you should have to have a license to be a parent!!! Reward citizens who wait and tax those who dont. If you have a child, and you smoke, abuse substances or are chemically dependent, are a felon, have not had a stable job for at least three years, your household (does not matter if there are two parents or same sex parents) does not make at minimum of 40,000 dollars a year, do not have a health insurance plan, a life insurance plan, etc. THEN YOU SHOULD NOT BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN. Do you know what Iowa pays alone in Medicad babies? Food stamps? Welfare/FIP/TANIF? Child care vouchers, Housing vouchers? You would shit yourself. Take the money and reward those who are making positive decisions. This is going to sound cruel and I cannot BELIEVE I am about to say it, but there is a thing called Natural Selection. The beauty of evolution and evolving, is that the strong survive and become civilized. If our strong minds are dying out because we do not control the system and the "breeding" (for lack of a better word) of the weak, and then turn around and CREATE a trap that keeps them surviving in that cycle, they will take over and no brilliant minds will be left to save it. Controlling the population is important. Educating and developing programs that WORK, not trap humanity. All of us are important and all of us matter, but somewhere along the lines...something happened.

Spoken like a true counselor right there.

I dont even know where that came from or why I said it. Its just how I feel.

This is the most I have talked to anyone in....three years? Four? Who knows. Other than my husband.

I too, have let the "trap" of others and how it has effected my community, my state, the nation and the world let me believe that what I do does not count. SO why quit smoking? (here is where the excuse comes in) WHy quit smoking to stay around and watch nothing change? Nothing progress!

I personally have been defeated by the justice system in my life. Its amazing, Louise (but not really), because a man who brutally raped me, kidnapped me, and tortured me now lives 20 miles from me and there is nothing I can do. Sex offenders are roaming free, offending again and again, yet our priorities in policy is smoking?!

Pardon my language, but FUCK THAT! Thats not fair! Thats not what is important right now! They say an alcoholic effects at least 100 people. How many people is my smoking effecting? And how many people are the sex offenders effecting?

Woe, where did all this come from?

I am sorry. I do appreciate you talking to me though.