I'll start out with this,
I've never posted in forums. I've never tried a program to quit smoking and I've never talked about it in a group like this. It's become a habit to keep, what I feel a shameful secret, to myself.
I've been in a relationship now for three years, with a man that I know through and through and want to spend the rest of my life with. The thing is he doesn't know everything about me and that's killing me.
To better understand my history, let me start from the beginning.
When I was younger, i was a good kid. Never smoked, drank or did drugs and no one was ever able to pressure me into it.
About the age of 19 I met a young man by the name of Matt. We became the closest of friends and after a year, started seeing each other. Our first break-up though, was MY breaking point. I look back on the day I first picked up that cigarette, and wonder, what was going through my head. Never had it in me before. So why was it I was looking to this completely strange outlet for relief from my relationship woes?
I smoked for two weeks, very lightly. A cigarette here, a cigarette there.
Then me and Matt talked things out and got backed together.
Fast-forward six months.
We had our first serious fight and called it quits. During those six months, I hadn't smoked again. Hadn't even thought twice about it and yet, here I was starting up again. But with a gusto...
I no longer smoked lightly, I went through a pack a day at least.
Slowly and surely became addicted not only to the nicotine, but to the routine. Every time I'd get sad, I'd bust out the pack and alleviate whatever i was feeling with the facade of cigarette relief.
This went on for a good year until eventually Matt and I, once again worked things out.
I never kicked the habit again though. I've quit off and on but never lasting longer then a month.
Matt is under the impression that I no longer smoke. He's caught me a couple of times and it's serious enough to him that he'll break off the relationship every time. So eventually I just learned to keep it secret.
I realize the common sense thing to do would be to talk to him and tell him my problem isn't just something that goes away. It is a real problem that millions of people face in the U.S alone. But there is no mid-ground with my fellow. He feels so strongly against drugs, alcohol and cigarettes that he never has and never will give leeway to thought of just "supporting" me as I quit because in his mind, I shouldv'e never had the weakness in me to start in the first place.
He's a good man, with a kind heart that I know only worries about me, but he's stubborn to a fault at times...
So if anyone has any words of wisdom, I'm all ears.
Brooke
