I have been jonesing for a cigarette for days now. I’m at over 7 months. All the frilly talk of it serving no purpose don’t matter. I want to inhale that smoke and feel calm like I used to. I’ve read all the info and much is lost in me anyway. Yes, I was addicted tho I didn’t know it as such til I stopped using. I wasn’t covering up any deep seated emotions. We coexisted just fine. I wasn’t a chain smoker and could easily go hours without one. In the last week or so many problems have popped up that I know a cigarette won’t fix. I never expected them to. My mind was just clearer and I could relax and step back for a little bit. I factor in a new med I am on that is causing terrible side effects, my old dog needing possible surgery, the loss of my husband for help and being so alone. Truly. No close family or friends. All I have are doctors, counselors and web sites to reach out to. No significant human contact.
So i post here. You are all wonderful and supportive people, but I don’t need the standard advice. I have no intention of smoking. I just can’t get out of under the memory of how, in a way, they did fix things. It was my normal. I don’t like this one for how fixated I am on it that I wasn’t on cigs. I’m using NRTs and do have a fixation as they don’t deliver in a way I can count on so I get too little or too much.
Just needed to vent. So much of this is wanting my life back as it was before fighting my husbands cancer and the life I loved. Some days it’s just too overwhelming to be alone.
