I feel utterly defeated. I am so addicted. I started smoking when I was 16 because I had anxiety that was out of control. I’ve been on medication for it for the last 10 years and it’s only brought mild relief. Every day of my life, while a smoker, and before I smoked, and during months of abstinence from smoking, has been a struggle to just “get through.” I’m on disability because of my anxiety. I hide from family and friends because of it. I’m embarrassed to show them just how bad I am, even though most/ all of them know I have it, it’s different when they see if first hand.
I know smoking hasn’t helped me, and really it’s only made it worse. I hate smoking. I can’t stand the way it smells, I hide the fact that I smoke from most people in my life too. It’s more embarrassing to me than the anxiety.
I felt so prepared. I’ve read “the easy way”, and a half dozen other books. I had NRT, and an entire backpack full of non-nicotine items to help with cravings, and to use as distractions. My mom took the kids today so I could focus on quitting.
Allen Carr’s book says that nicotine withdrawals are not painful, and can best be described as an uncomfortable hunger. But I respectfully disagree. I was nauseous, I had painful cramping in my stomach, but the worst is the psychological pain. I have no way to describe it. Anxiety and depression so severe I felt like nothing was real. Like I was going absolutely insane. I wept for 3 straight hours. The only reason I’m even able to write this is because I had a cigarette, so I can now put together a coherent thought.
My mental illness is getting in the way of my quitting, just like it’s gotten in the way of every other part of my life. I am so angry. I am not a weak person. I know I’m going to pick myself up again and start over tomorrow, but the fact that I was so confident, so prepared, so ready, and so EXCITED to be done smoking today, has made me question if I will ever succeed.
My biggest fear is I’ll smoke forever, and that one, or both of my children will start smoking when they’re teenagers. I know even if they hate it, kids with parents who smoke are way more likely to start themselves. I’m one of those statistics.
Tonight, I’m going to buy patches. And hopefully the pharmacy will finally have my zyban prescription ready. I’m adding to my arsenal.
Please tell me some of you with success stories missed your original quit date, even with support and preparation, and went on to succeed. I need to hear it. Because right now I’m feeling like garbage.
