I don't want to be a closet smoker anymore

[whatshesaid]

I started smoking when I was 15. I believe this is how I became so good at hiding that I smoked, because I hid it from my family. Every chance I got alone I would sneek out and smoke, then like many of you I would spray myself with some perfume and brush my teeth so that no one would know. When I was 17 I began hiding my addiction from both my family and friends. I would go to a gas station away from home and buy a pack. I found secluded spots where I would smoke or I would do it at home when my parents were out or asleep. At the time I thought it was only temporary and I would quit "soon". The problem with that is I never did quit. I only got better at hiding that I smoked.

2 years later and I am still a closet smoker. The only difference is now I know I need to quit. I have been with my boyfriend for 9 months and I hid that I smoked for the majority of our relationship. I finally came out to him and told him that I would quit. I tried but the next thing I knew I was giving in to my addiction and buying another pack. He recently discovered a pack I had hidden in my car. He was upset and I felt horrible. He was upset at the fact that I was still keeping this from him all this time. I am blessed that he has not wanted to leave me or anything. I just know I owe it to him and myself to quit. I'm just fear I will not be able to successfully quit.

[cindy25]

YES YOU CAN! There is no reason why you are any different than the rest of us that have quit! I can guarantee you that I have been smoking for much longer than you have- and I was also the sneakiest smoker ever! I think it is harder to quit when you have been a "successful" closet smoker. We are used to (not only) lying to our loved ones- but to ourselves as well. I think we try to cheat more than others because we are used to the concept of "cheating" all the time! So, in order to really quit.....I had to make promises to MYSELF (no one else) that I would REALLY do it....not just "pretend" to. I had to get tired of my own cheating. You can do this. It will take the right mind set for you. You will have to call BS on your own thinking alot. You will have to come to grips with the fact that not smoking is by your own choice...and you have to keep making that choice every minute of the day for weeks in order to be set free. It is worth it. It is rough at first- but it is ONLY TEMPORARY! Really. It goes away, then you are really free!

[whatshesaid]

Thank you for this. It has really given me hope and I really believe that now I can FINALLY do this for good. THANKS!

[cindy25]

Jenn, isn't our thinking JUST FLIPPIN' CRAZY sometimes as addicts? I actually was late for important events because I needed extra time to smoke before going there!!!!! I burned up SO MUCH EXTRA GAS just driving "the long way" so I could sneak-smoke!!!!!!! It feels so good to be FREE of all that nonsense. I try not to be too hard on myself for being an idiot......... but sometimes it's hard LOL because I have done such stoooopid things in the name of sneaking a smoke or two!!!!!!

[matt14]

I have a similar story about being in the closet. I've hidden smoking from most of my family for 14 years. I promised my wife when we started dating I would quit. Then when we got engaged I promised I would quit. Now we are married and again I promise to quit. Each time I promised, I just found new ways to hide the smoking. This made her feel better because she thought I was quiting. At the same time I felt horrible. Like a failure because I hadn't really quit, and an a$$ because I was hiding it from her.

If anything, closet smoking is just adding to my stress level which is hurting our relationship. I want so badly to be able to tell her I haven't had a cigarette for a day... 2 days... a week... month... It won't be easy, but I'm going to really do it this time.