How can I get my spouse involved?

[dave19]

I love my wife dearly and I know she loves me, but I've smoked since before meeting her and she never has nor ever will. I have attempted to quit numerous times in the past but have always slipped back to picking up the cancer sticks again... at this point I still want to quit and am trying again, but after so many ups, downs, and broken promises I know that it's hard for my wife to "believe me".

I'm not saying she has reason to after all the times in the past that I have tried and subsequently failed. But what I'd like to ask others out here is how do you feel I can get/keep her involved in my quit? I ask her to help and support me and she poses the question back to me "How?". Beyond having her ride my a$$, which I'd be more than willing to have her do at this point anyway, does anyone have any advice on how to keep a non-smoking spouse involved and, hopefully, give them hope that maybe this time could be the last?

I can't fault her for being inherently skeptical and I know she wants me to quit, but after my previous failed attempts I admittedly feel like I'm starting to have to do this on my own since I don't feel like my wife can give me 100% of her support. If any quitters out there have any advice I'd love to hear it. Thanks!

[dave19]

I had *just* found this in a group discussion and thought it was a great read and have sent it to my spouse's email - with minor modification. I personally don't want my wife to "avoid the topic of cigarettes", because I *want* her to show concern over my battle, I *want* her to be involved, I *want* her to be a vocal cheerleader and an active participant in my Quit. I understand how that may be helpful for others, but it's definitely not for me.

Thank you for the post though, I appreciate it and with luck someone else will find it this way as well and be able to use it.

[hwc]

The only thing I wanted from my spouse is:

a) To give me an "attaboy" when I told her it had been three days, a week, a month, whatever.

b) To be a little understanding when I was mean. The joke in our house was, "Oh quitting was easy. Whenver he wanted a cigarette, he just yelled at me instead." That's an exaggeration, but not without some truth. We all have our moments.

Whether your spouse is skeptical or not is really neither here nor there. The important question is whether YOU are skeptical or not. Successfully quitting is all about making a personal decision and personal commitment. I didn't tell my wife I was quitting until I had already stopped smoking for three days.

[dave19]

It sounds like you've come to the realization that I finally did Tom... While at first it may seem like it makes it easier to quit ("I'm doing it for her/him/them"), I think at the end of the day for most of us it NEEDS to be a selfish act that merely benefits the ones we love around us. I have it tough with my wife as well because she's a marathoner... 6 under her belt and a 7th in 3 weeks, the girl gets up at 4am to run 20 miles before work during her training. Talk about polar opposites, right? 🙂 But even though I have no aspirations of running marathons with her, i DO want to participate more in her healthy lifestyle. On top of the rest of all the good things that come with quitting, I'm looking forward to being able to share in more of "her" things in life that I never really can or could while I've been smoking.

You are right it will probably be one of the toughest things you'll do, but like you said that's why you're on here. Keep it up buddy and just remember there's a lot of us on here all going through the same stuff. 🙂

[edith2]

If your spouse has never smoked, she will not understand exactly what you are going through. It's like explaining child-bearing labor to a man. If she has no desire to support you, you can't force her to. That's why it's a good thing that you came here to this website. The people here are all smokers who have become non-smokers or in the process of becoming them. So let this site give you the support you need. All the times you told her you wanted to quit, you were being honest at the time. But this time, quit for you. It's your addiction and you can arrest it and we can help you.