Going Slowly Insane

[Gwenivere]

I’ve been doing a gradual quit as posted in other conversations.  I’ve reached a point that I feel an almost never ending crave so am psyching myself up for the patch with lozenges as back up.  This withdrawal has highjacked my thinking, it’s all that is ever on my mind.  I’m forcing myself not to goggle ever little sensation to see if it is normal.  I don’t want to do anything but go to sleep and escape.  It’s even made my meds for the panic disorder less effective so it’s hard to go places I always did in comfort as it has me on edge constantly.  I’m always restless and time just drags by.   I’m so tired of the sweating feeling, tremors, irritability (almost outright anger) and head rushes.  Can’t concentrate well and no interest in anything.  I don’t know who this person is, but it’s not someone I’ve ever seen in myself.  

On the plus side I did find out my insurance will pay for nicotine replacements.  I’d been paying out of pocket and don’t have receipts for what I have bought so far.  Just have to message my doc for a formal letter to send in with stuff now.  Even tho I don’t even like the 3 cigs I have a day, it’s kinda frightening thinking they will be gone for good at this point.  I’m so tired of thinking of nicotine at all.  Maybe it’s a plus too that I can’t go back to smoking as I did because of the infection that has me on oxygen part of the day and overnight.  I just want to get to a place where nicotine just doesn’t matter anymore.  I hope I make it as this ongoing trip to there does make me feel I am losing my mind.  Or what’s left of it.  I could go hours without a smoke before because of laws, but I always knew eventually I could have that.  Time to wave bye bye to that.  

Sorry for the ramble, but it’s about all I am good for these days.  

[maryfreecig]

    Just before I quit, I realized that I put cigarettes first in my life. They came before all else--and I wondered how I was ever going to live without them. I feared that I would not break the tie. A cigarette came before anything I did, and followed after finishing or doing anything. Mow the lawn? Prepare by smoking first. Reward myself upon finishing. Or better yet take a break before finishing and have a smoke. 

    Although I knew that I put smoking cigarettes first, and knew that that was crazy, I was so afraid that I would not adapt to life without smoking, that I would remain fixated on cigarettes. 

   I've been relearning life since the day I quit. Turns out my addiction could be broken and overcome. BUT I did have to relearn life without the cigarettes. I had to learn how  to do everything--how to get angry, how to feel sad, happy...how to do stuff without a cigarette reward. 

   I no longer defer to a cigarette--they don't own me. And that started meekly with a hour one, day one. It's such a good feeling to get beyond the dependency and realize a cigarette is not necessary to live life. Any quitter can find this.

[karenjones]

i felt the same way that you are feeling now and I don't know how people work and withdraw at the same time, are you working?  If you need to sleep sleep, for pity's sake, you are trying to withdraw from a highly addictive substance. Throw those three cigarettes into a barrel of water. Get rid of them once and for all, why are you torturing yourself. ??  Cigarettes Kill.

[Gwenivere]

It is not that I intend to torture myself.  I’ve just lost so much with my husband passing and not being able to walk or sleep without horrid pain that has turned life totally upside down.  Makes the volunteering I do very hard.  Can’t walk my dogs anymore and had to hire help to clean.   Without those things, life isn’t fulfilling at all now.  So not a lot of motivation to sit here alone.  It’s not something people can understand until it happens to them.  I have a grief support group for that, but the void is still there and he would have made a great cheerleader and reason to go thru this.

[JonesCarpeDiem]

I'm sorry for your loss and your pain. 

I have a disability that haunts me every day and prevents very much mobility but I am able to go shopping at 6 in the morning and get out with a friend every so often.

[SaraPeach]

You are just prolonging the misery. Go cold turkey and your physical symptoms should be gone in 72 hours. Check out www.whyquit.com. Nicotine replacement will just keep prolonging the hell by keeping you hooked and in a perpetual state of withdrawal... I have panic disorder and severe anxiety as well so I totally understand that it is not easy.

[Gwenivere]

Sara, cold turkey is not an option for me.  I don’t know if you are on meds for your panic, but I am.  As they are back with a vengeance, I cannot live with that indescribable fear on top of this quit.  It’s easy to tell others what they should do, but not very fair when you don’t know their situation fully and other struggles.  Better to suggest than to make what feel like judgements.  I’m so sorry you deal with PD also.  It’s a terrible condition I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy.  

[elvan]

I am really sorry that you are suffering like this...I do think that cutting the cord, so to speak, will help you.  I remember thinking that I would never be able to think about anything other than smoking or rather NOT smoking.  My husband recommended that I get down on my knees and pray to God to take away the mental obsession.  He is a recovering alcoholic who quit drinking just short of 34 years ago and then he quit smoking five years later.  He said it was imperative that I get on my knees to pray...I will admit that I was seriously skeptical, particularly since he said I might have to do it more than once.  He was absolutely adamant that it would help.  I did it...I actually felt something change the first time I did it, I had to repeat it but not over and over again...maybe twice, I am not even sure of that.  In any event, the obsession DID go away,  I do not know exactly when but I know that it lifted.  I had not planned to quit when I did...I got so sick that I had no choice, well, I could have died, I guess.  I got a preview of what it would be like to die gasping for breath and while I may still do that...I will NOT aide cigarettes in destroying my lungs and shortening my life any more than they already have.  

You really can do this...we are all here, we have all been where you are, we all had doubts, we were all scared, particularly of feeling.  We were so used to numbing our feelings that we were terrified of what would happen when we didn't smoke...when we didn't stuff our feelings.  We thought that we were unique...our feelings were BIGGER than other people, our LIVES were harder than others.  We are all people, we are all addicts and our addiction is going to keep telling us that we will fail...it is our CHOICE to be free or NOT.  No one can quit FOR us and no one can MAKE us smoke.

Hugs,

Ellen

[Thomas3.20.2010]

Dive In!

The Water is fine!

Honest!

[marciem]

Hi again Gwenivere!

Just another thought, in regards to your anxiety/panic disorder getting worse...

Ask anyone who has quit.  The anticipation of the quit is WAY worse than the reality once you jump in.  It is VERY anxiety-inducing.  I don't have PD at all, but I would get palpitations and nausea at the thought of giving up my one true vice.  How in the world would I ever have fun again?  What would I do with myself?  Etc. Etc. (Plus I convinced myself that those nonsmokers only THOUGHT they were enjoying things, how could they possibly, without smoking?) 

Not to belabor the point, but you just might find, once you cut the cord to those few cigarettes and get a day or more under your belt away from smoking entirely, once you make smoking not an option AT ALL, you might discover it isn't as bad as you had it worked up in your mind to be.

One minute, one hours, one day... it works if you work it.

[minihorses]

I'm so sorry you have to go through all the withdrawal symptoms!  I have/had everything you listed in your post plus nausea so bad I was not keeping much down.  It's worse than the flu and it took a month before it subsided enough to be close to functional.  At this point in your quit plan you WILL crave for a smoke just to ease the withdrawal symptoms.  Every time you crave a smoke just remind yourself that if you smoke even one puff you will have to go through the horrible withdrawal again.  That one thought kept me from giving in and lighting one up no matter how much I wanted one. As for thinking about cigarettes all the time, you will be consumed by it for a while but it will lesson as time goes on. I still have cravings at 37 days quit but they aren't as often. It will start to decrease as your quit goes on (I had quit over 100 days from Sept 2017 to May 2018).  By then I still had the craves but not every day.  

It's scary at times but if you believe in yourself, educate yourself, write on EX, and most importantly hang on to your precious quit like an iron fist you can and will be able to let this addiction go forever!  Keep strong and keep the faith.  We are all with you anytime you need! 

Julie