EX Community

Gwenivere · ‎01-17-2019

I’m now well into my 5th week of the 14mg patches and lozenges as needed. What I am finding is NOW I want to smoke. I’m tired of this half ass withdrawl and confused why my body has not adapted in all this time. Why am I bothering? I can’t breathe any better. In fact my pulmonologist put me on more oxygen. I want to live in the shower from cold sweats. I want to sleep to escape the extreme depression. My back is getting so bad that I can barely walk anymore. The pain was bad before, but definitely more so since this quit. If feeling suffocated wasn’t so horrible I’d probably say screw it and bail. Last time I talked to my quit coach they said add more lozenges. I haven’t because they feel like too much. Like chain smoking and nauseous. I was in the drug store and a woman there heard me say something about quitting and said what I hear here. Best decision I could make. Wish I felt that because I sure don’t this week. 50+ days, BFD.

anaussiemom · ‎01-19-2019

Giulia 's quotes, of what we write sometimes makes me . Giulia is spot on"! It is true Jen. The self talk is so important in RE-Training the Brain, of the thoughts and addiction process.
It does work!! To say positive affirmations, vision it, hold the thought 5 secs. ...

Somehow yo have to get thru the anxious thinking part of your brain, thru your therapy, what have you. Learning to say just a small NOPE, can help retrain the anxious brain thoughts.....

Lots of water and breathing. The hardest 2 things for me to do. I tend to hold my breath, not even aware most times. Not to good with sipping a lot either. I've never been one to sip on things thru out the day..

Jen Please! Help save your life!!!
Positive affirmations, or anything you want to do in near future, hold the thought, breathe, It helps Jen!! It gives you back your power over some of your thinking.

Please try. Hugs Hugs Hugs.

Gwenivere · ‎01-19-2019

Thank you, Kim, you are such a sweetheart. I’m taking all this negativity stuff in. Seeing how it is a hinderance.

Gwenivere · ‎01-19-2019

Guilia, I can’t remember when I joined, but I take your word for all the quotes from me. You are correct, I have become very negative and it’s affecting every aspect of my life. You know what is doing it more than the quit? The never ending pain that has me stooped, limping, afraid to take showers for falling makes distractions hard to come by. This has gotten so bad in the last week when I really started whining. The first month the withdrawals were bad, but they were all I had to fight thru. Other stressors like more oxygen and being unable to volunteer as I did add to the pile.

So I need to find a way to accept/fix what I can about all this. I do regret saying BFD on 50 days. I never knew I had it in me. The very fact I don’t want to go back to smoking even if I was miraculously freed from the other stuff. I like not breathing smoke anymore. It’s really not a temptation. Hope it stays that way.

Ive got stickers and signs up for other things, guess it’s time for some about my attitude. Tho finding a good attitude about pain will be tough. I’ll have to focus on that in counseling.

The fact i have frustrated you tells me you care, and that I truly appreciate.

Giulia · ‎01-20-2019

"The fact i have frustrated you tells me you care" You got that right! I went back and read every one of your blogs. That's where I copied the quotes from. I care. I didn't spend the time to pull them out just to be mean.

I don't have an answer for you physical pain. I wish I did. There are others here who are in constant pain that can better help you with that. And yes, finding a good attitude about that is tough. But even with that - I think we need fight against the negative thinking of it. Somehow. I'm fine with short-term pain. Or when I know that it's gonna take X weeks or months of recovery after an operation. Sort of like with quitting. I just said, ok, it takes as long as it takes. But at least I knew, I trusted, that the unpleasantness of it would eventually end. But when there's no given parameter - I don't know how to handle it. Except to eventually say "frick it!" I'm gonna get on with my life no matter what. It hurts, it hurts. And it hurts. I think of Chris Reeve (Superman) with whom I worked in Williamstown. Nicest guy in the whole world. And how his whole life was changed after his horse accident. And how he turned it into a positive experience for others. And I guess it gave him spiritual and heart nourishment, despite the debility.

The fact that you're fighting constant pain and constant withdrawals is - it's an added burden. But know that the constant withdrawals with eventually ebb. And I hope your need for oxygen will ebb also through remaining smoke free and perhaps getting some pulmonary rehab?

I am really sorry you are suffering so. When I'm having a really hard time and stop the thoughts long enough to step back, one of the things that has helped me is to say to myself, "there's a reason why I'm going through this. What is it I need to learn from this experience." And usually I can come up with an answer. And it eases the pain. For I think that we've all been put here to learn something. That's our purpose as spirits. To grow.

Pawr · ‎01-20-2019

Hi,

I'm going to be honest and say we are some sorry ass addicts. I haven't smoked since Dec.4 so you and I are around the same starting point. I am doing this the same as you quitting the smokes and then the nicotine. This sucks. Maybe we're taking the long road instead of just going cold Turkey, but I'm pretty sure that I would fold on that. In my case I'm taking wellbutrin and literally chewing gum almost constantly although I have tapered off.

I am 61 and have smoked for a bit over 40 years.

I really don't want to quit. I quit because I was noticing that I was wheezing and had recently picked up a dry cough.

Not to the point of being on O2, no surgery yet, no heart attacks no cancer. Those are coming up almost certainly if I continue, maybe not if I can stay off the smokes.

I'm 61 and I miss my fucking "binkie".

Keep doing this for you lady. Nobody else gets it and they think it's a done deal after the initial celebrations are over.

Gwenivere · ‎01-20-2019

Hi Pawr,

we do sound like twins in how we are doing this. Different delivery systems, but that’s about it. It’s not that I haven’t thought about it before but it hit me as a 'duh!' moment this morning that I totally controlled my delivery when smoking. Yes, the addiction spurred me, but I chose the moment to light up. My body is not used to nicotine dripping in all day on the patches. I don’t know if the gum makes you feel sick at times, but the lozenges do me and I’m only using 4-5 a day. In another stumble to the living room day in this, my addled brain thought for the first time I was going to sit down and have a smoke like months ago. I was shocked my cigs and lighter weren’t on the table. Plus I wanted one so much. I’m starting to notice people smoking and wanting it back. I’ve been reminded here it takes much patience. Getting thin on that. But it’s right it took years to get here so it’s not going to be easily undone. Some days I just feel tested that this will be worth it. I’m sure I’m not the only person who has felt that. Younhang in there too.

Pawr · ‎01-20-2019

Watching others smoke actually helps me a bit. Looks a bit silly. Imagine you are transported to another world where the atmosphere is cigarette smoke. Imagine how crappy things would smell and how it would affect your body. I guess it would look like the sky does in L.A. at times.We age fast enough. I had a nice bonus surprise this week. Losing a tooth, basically a healthy tooth, due to smoking related bone loss.Dumb

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Getting at wits end

anaussiemom marked Gwenivere's reply on Getting at wits end as helpful. View the full reply

Marked as helpful:

Hi Pawr,

we do sound like twins in how we are doing this. Different delivery systems, but that’s about it. It’s not that I haven’t thought about it before but it hit me as a 'duh!' moment this morning that I totally controlled my delivery when smoking. Yes, the addiction spurred me, but I chose the moment to light up. My body is not used to nicotine dripping in all day on the patches. I don’t know if the gum makes you feel sick at times, but the lozenges do me and I’m only using 4-5 a day. In another stumble to the living room day in this, my addled brain thought for the first time I was going to sit down and have a smoke like months ago. I was shocked my cigs and lighter weren’t on the table. Plus I wanted one so much. I’m starting to notice people smoking and wanting it back. I’ve been reminded here it takes much patience. Getting thin on that. But it’s right it took years to get here so it’s not going to be easily undone. Some days I just feel tested that this will be worth it. I’m sure I’m not the only person who has felt that. Younhang in there too.

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Giulia · ‎01-20-2019

Pawr - regarding the first part of your advice to Gwenivere, I absolutely agree: "Watching others smoke actually helps me a bit. Looks a bit silly. " I remember one day when I was waiting for my husband or whatever the scenario (can't quit remember) and just sat in my car and watched people smoke. This must have been at least 4 to 6 months into the journey. And I looked at these people as if from an alien perspective. I was, at that point in that moment, able to totally dissociate from my own emotions and history to it. I was able to look at it absolutely objectively. And I thought "What a really weird thing to do. Hold this little white "thing" in their hand, put a flame to it, inhale, exhale, do this kind of weird flick thing with their finger, still stand there, kind of looking off into space, another inhale, another exhale and other flick... eventually they discard the object. (I wondered what it was for?) And then walk back into the store, or whatever. How bizarre is THAT, U thought. Looking back on it, that was a major transition in my journey, that emotional disconnect..

It's hard in the beginning to watch people smoke and dissociate from the visceral emotional connection. Or just to see a butt on the ground or walk into a store and see first off all those cigarettes in your face. I was thrilled to go through an entire day smoke free until I saw a butt on the ground and then WHAM - major craving to the fore. And I was so PISSED OFF. Because I had FINALLY had some relief most of the day and now it was just back to the constant ache and reminder and all that STUPID CRAVING CRAP!

That's just part of the journey. Or my journey, anyway. Fortunately I don't go nuts when I see a butt on the ground any more. But I'll tell ya - truth - I pass someone smoking and my head turns in that direction and I think "wow but that smells good." The difference is, that feeling, that immediate freshly popped popcorn unbelievable scent trigger dissipates within 60 seconds. But man, as a newbie on this journey those first 60 seconds can make or break a quit.

So move past them ya'll. Move past them. In any way you can. That trigger will dissipate when you refocus.

Pawr · ‎01-21-2019

Weather! Another good reason not to smoke today. It's below zero outside and I won't be standing out there freezing while getting my fix.

Gwenivere · ‎01-20-2019

As I just told Pawr, I had en epiphany this morning. One I knew but didn’t fully get. This constant nicotine drip is different than smoking. 'I' chose when to feed it. It would tap me on the shoulder at regular intervals, but I decided when to light up. This is the trade off on NRT patches. My brain got its big hit and would leave me alone for a bit. I could push it away for long periods like movies and dinners. I wondered this morning where my cigs and lighter were after I dressed and fed the dogs. I wanted them back on the table. Cold turkey or NRT, it finally sunk in that my body and brain are going thru hell. This at the start of 6 weeks. More stresses have been added at. The most inconvenient time. Like Pawr, I miss the cigs now. I see every smoker now.when I didn’t care before . I guess this is big time No Mans Land?