Father is dying

[Andstillirise]

243 days out and it’s only been the past 36 hours I’ve really wanted to smoke . I won’t under any circumstances but the urge comes on strong from time to time the past day and half .

Found out my father is dying and doesn’t have long . I’ve not spoken to him in over 3 years as he’s a toxic , manipulative, abusive narcissist ( yes , he was dxed as one by a clinician at VA hospital) yet I still feel sad . Sad more that his legacy is such that he has no kids who speak to him nor grandkids who have anything to do with him . I can’t imagine his shock when he found out he wasn’t going to live forever afterall ....

He’s 84 and had kids very late in life. You’d think that would have made him wiser , but it didn’t . 

Maybe it’s the hopium I want to smoke. The hopium that before he does die he will send a letter , email , smoke signal apologizing for all the horrible things he’s done over the years ....but I know he won’t and I’ll never reach out to him . 

Thanks for listening . 

[DavesTime]

Andstillirise, I am so sorry you are going through this with your father, and especially that your past with him is so difficult.  I understand what stress you are going through, and also the strong urge to fall back to the default of trying to relieve it by smoking.  I had been quit for just over two years when my father died, and even though I had been chewing nic gum that whole time I chose to turn to cigs again.  I didn't succeed in quitting again for another five years. Five years!  Now I'm completely smoke- and nicotine-free, but I wonder what damage I may have done to myself during those additional years of smoking--just because I though it would help me cope.  I'm praying for you and that you will continue to guard your life-affirming quit!

[maryfreecig]

That's a big load. Thank you for sharing your trouble here and please keep doing that. I'm sharing this link below because the narrator talks about grief including grief over the things we had hoped for, but did not get. She is a hospice worker and her talk is  full of compassion and honesty.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4GDTbtePHUU&list=WL&index=115&t=0s

Sending you a gentle hug.

Sorry--link above is not the one I was think of--below is the correct one.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TxSd8f2Utpk&list=WL&index=112&t=0s

[Andstillirise]

Thank you everyone for all the compassionate and empathic words of encouragement and support. You guys are all amazing . 

Ive been stepping up my exercise the past few days even though it’s cold here . I still like to power walk and it helps with the cravings and STRESS . 

My father was not a GI . He was discharged after a few months for something . He never really said . 

He’s not a hurt man he’s just a real life sociopath. 

I feel no need to contact him to say good bye or anything . He has committed crimes against children , went to jail and done awful things to others not just his family . He wasn’t abused or neglect or mistreated by his family . He was just wired not like normal , decent human beings . 

Here is what forgiveness looks like to me. I forgive MYSELF for allowing myself to be mistreated , manipulated and gaslighted and I forgive myself for not looking out for myself more when it came to him . I’m not really angry or terribly sad about him . It’s a weird feeling . Surreal , I guess . 

Thank you to the poster who mentioned he had quit smoking for years and then started  when his dad died . I will remember that . 

And thank you to the lady who posted the Ted Talk on grief ...not sure if that’s what I feel . 

Im going to be okay , and not smoke , no matter what happens or how I feel . But I do feel better posting here about this ,

[indingrl]

It is so cool and loving that YOU made peace within YOURSELF

[Christine13]

i'm glad that you don't feel the need to say goodbye, and that you have been going for councilling.

You have an incredible quit!!

[Giulia]

It's interesting that on the one hand you have the "hopium" that he'll send a communication apologizing for what he's done, and on the other you say you don't need him "nor want any validation from him."  Both rather opposite emotions.  But I think that's normal.  Having been in my own mind where opposite feelings were happening, I found it very weird.  Until I grasped that both can exist at the same time, and it's quite okay for them to do so. 

Why do you have to forgive yourself for being a victim?   https://thoughtcatalog.com/shahida-arabi/2018/04/how-to-forgive-yourself-for-something-you-shouldnt-...

Love yourself for having that insight to leave when you did with your two children.  Insight only comes with experience, and sometimes it doesn't come at all.  May what your going through now give you more insight and wisdom.  A quote which has helped me through rough times:  "Life is not something that happen to us, it's something that happens FOR us."  

"Im going to be okay , and not smoke , no matter what happens or how I feel."  Good.  Positive self talk is what keeps our quits safe.

[abbynormal42]

I'm so sorry about your father. I'm sure your feelings are complicated by the fact that your relationship with him has been so dysfunctional. I know from experience what that's like. I think we all hope that we can get closure and make things right while there's still time, and then when that time suddenly runs out we are left feeling like we've been punched in the gut.

I'm not surprised some cravings have popped up for you. But it sounds like you're very determined to keep your quit, which is good. Don't let him steal that quit from you. It sounds like he's taken enough.

Stay strong.