Brainwashing

[jamieroden1]

This is sort of a rant, kind of confusing, so i apologize in advance. For me, it's not the withdrawals that get me. I get zero physical symptoms. I'm fine. It's my brain that is the problem. I like smoking. I enjoy my time alone outside. I figured out why it's so hard, the problem is figuring out a way to get out of that mindset. I miss it. I have read stories of people that are happy and dont ever want another, and then I've read stories of people who are years smoke free and still want one daily. What is the difference in these people? It makes me happy. I understand that it's the effect of the dopamine, but how do I avoid it? I dont really have anyone to talk to about it because most people I know who smoke dont really want me to quit because then it would effect them. They do for health reasons of course, but deep down, they dont want to be the only ones left. I understand that, but it just sucks bc they are capable of being only so supportive. I'm not sure they would even admit that because it sounds terrible. I'm not close to anyone that has quit. I guess I do want to but I'm wondering if I do deep deep down. Tonight was a slip. I knew it would be as soon as I got up this morning. But i dont want to give up. But i also dont want to be miserable. I just dont know how to get a handle on it. I know it's better on the other side. I wish I could make smoking a cigarette a miserable experience, but I dont know how! I know all the health facts, i have all the reasons, I've read the book and a million articles and stories. I've done my research and tried all the tricks. I have to find a way to get my brain on board. I need help, but i dont know what kind or where to get it. I dont want to spend my life torturing myself by quitting a million times. I just want to be done. I feel so confused and conflicted and guilty. Its all mental, I know. But I dont how to control it

[Troutnut1]

My first quit attempts were in the 90’s but I was severely addicted smoking a carton in three days. I thought I loved smoking. But I was wrong. It put me in the hospital a couple of times and n xray showed “hyperexpansion”, the beginnings of empysema. I quit several more times and kept falling for the slips. Each time I “slipped” I returned to smoking at an even higher rate. I was also a drinker, and this proved to be my Achille’s Heel when it came to quitting. Finally, 21 years ago today I attended my first AA meeting and quit drinking. I quit smoking on the same day (11/21/1998) but relapsed after 3 months and returned to smoking. Fortunately I kept my sobriety. I joined Quitnet and finally was successful in quitting smoking on 2/28/2001 after what must have been dozens of failed quit.

Here is the view from a couple decades out. I was just diagnosed with “severe empysema” after a lung CT scan. But after I quit drinking in 1998 and smoking in 2001 I really got it together and rebuilt my breathing capacity. So currently, even though the doctor says I have severe COPD, I can do anything. I skied 60 days last year, work out twice a week in the gym, and water aerobics twice a week. I know I won’t be able to keep that up too much longer, but I’ve got at least 20 or more bonus years from where I was back then. And it turns out I didn’t love smoking at all. I was just a garden variety addict of the drug nicotine. Today I am filled with regret for ever having smoked. My wife and family will suffer for it as will I. I can’t imagine today what I ever liked about smoking. It seems to me like a completely different person that engaged in that self-destructive activity. But it must have been me! Actually, it was my addict brain which has spent a lot of it’s life lying to me and trying to kill me. I don’t listen to it much anymore. 

Smoking disgusts me today. I try not to judge others, but it’s hard for me not to approach smokers and tell them what I know now. I didn’t love smoking at all. What I loved was the release from the cravings that were created by smoking. Smoking creates the cravings that are only relieved by more smoking. A brilliant marketing plan for tobacco companies. Death snd suffering for us.

The small discomforts created my quitting are miniscule compared to the suffering my family and I will soon experience. And I am one of the lucky ones.

I hope you find your way. The secret in my case is to stay away from that FIRST puff, no matter what happens. Even if my A dash dash falls off!

Your friend in Montana

Troutnut1-dennis

[jamieroden1]

Thank you for sharing your story. I hope you continue your active lifestyle for many more years than you expect! I understand what you are saying about not actually enjoying it, about it being the addict thinking. I am getting to that point now. All of the other stuff is terrible but my health does scare me the most. I have to do this for my kids. I cant leave them without a mother. They are all little still and I would like to be a very involved grandmother and hopefully get to have great grandchildren as well! It's well past time. Congratulations on getting away from the smoking and drinking, I cant imagine how difficult that must have been!

[Giulia]

Yes, we must be the parent to our inner child.  Puzzles are fun.  They keep the mind active and engaged.  You will solve it.  You've already got the border done.