3 mos postpartum, 2 years quit, and i’m going to SCREAM

[rilokitty]

I am still so horrendously dependent on cigarettes my heart is breaking because I can’t smoke one oh the drama. Seriously though it’s like, after the first few months of quitting I was good to go and often amazed at how I never thought about it.

Now, I feel mentally like I’m being pushed into a wall. The pressure to smoke is real. I love the baby he’s a good baby, I can’t even blame it on him. 

Good god what is happening. These past two weeks…how do I make it go away?! I am so frustrated right now. I just want one so bad. Do I? NO. But do I? Yes. 

I’ve come so far, I can’t. My whole life is ahead of me, my little baby’s life is to come, how can I really be thinking like this. So bummed : ( 

[Giulia]

You don't keep smoke free for your baby, you keep smoke free for you.  Which ultimately IS for your child also.  Am I hearing this right?  You've been smoke free for two years and now you're about to lose you mind and give up your quit?  A couple of things to think about, that perhaps you haven't.  Do you REALLY want another Day One?  Because when we've quit and have experienced that freedom, we'll never be happy having blown that amazing amount of work.  And there will always be that Best part of us that niggles our mind and says "you really should quit again."  That is my most motivating source of remaining steadfast to my quit.  I really don't want another Day One.  And I know if I smoke again, I will then be tormented to quit again until I do.  We're tormented either way - ya know?  But there's joy in the torment of remaining true to our commitment.  And there's no joy in quitting a quit.

That you're thinking about smoking - hey, that's normal.  After 2 years, after 16 years.  During certain periods we just go back to craving mode.  I don't know why and I don't really know what to tell you about how to get through it EXCEPT - ACCEPT.  I accept that I'm just going to have those times that are a biitch that are going to drive me crazy wanting a cigarette.  Not so much now after all this time, but yeah - tonight I wanted a cigarette.  And - my attitude was "Ok, I 'get' it, I want a cigarette and.. so what."  And in my case that moment was over in 30 seconds.  Well, no, obviously it has lingered in my mind because I'm thinking about it now and speaking of it, but - the immediacy of the craving is over.

Stay true to you and your quit.  When we follow that "Best of Ourselves," it may hard, but it's not as hard as having to start all over again because we've listened to that shabby weakest part of ourselves.

"Do I? NO."  FOLLOW that thinking!

[Barbscloud]

@rilokitty Just want to chime in that what you're feeling is not unusual for many of us.   Some quitters say they never think about smoking again, but I'm not one of them.   After 4.5 years there are times when  smoking looks like the answer to whatever is troubling me.  That's ok, as long as we don't act on.

When those moments happen, remind yourself that "I don' do that anymore".

Barb

[rilokitty]

so love that so much: “I don’t do that anymore.” simple as that, thank you : ) it does seem like the only answer to what’s bothering me lately, i’ll never understand but that’s okay i don’t want or need to! all i need to understand is i don’t do that anymore : ) 

[Carrawilson]

I quit the first-time for 10 years. I absolutely regret the decision to smoke again. I'm back at square one trying to get the courage to give it up again. 

[MarilynH]

How are you doing this morning @rilokitty? I hope you are feeling better than you were yesterday! I'm so glad that you came here to vent, I also had postpartum depression with my son it's horrible but with the help of your family and your Dr and of course your precious baby! Deep breaths and hang on tight to the best gift that you'll give yourself which is the GIFT OF LIFE, stay close and reach out whenever you need to or just want to vent we're all here to help you in any way we can you've got this believe it! 

[rilokitty]

thank you Marilyn, the kindness means so much, it touches my heart, and actually makes me despise smoking even more that so many kind people were dragged into such a vicious cycle, thank you again, i do feel a bit better and i love my baby so much and i am keeping all of my dr. appointments! 

[bumblebee69]

Hello I'm trying to post my reason for stopping but the site won't respond and now the original reason is gone

[rilokitty]

oh how irritating is it when that happens! i would love to hear your reason! sometimes i do “talk to text” with my phone if i don’t want to type something out all over again haha : ) 

[maryfreecig]

Sounds like you need a mental and emotional break from your life if only for half a day, a day to get back the perspective that you already had on smoking--that you don't want to. 

Not all quitters have periods of craving. In fact, in my opinion craving is only an aspect of first quitting when the addiction is active. Your brain really is dependent on nicotine. Today, you might be associating relief with smoking, and wanting relief from pressure you feel in being a mom 24/7 for your 3 month old.

You might sit down and make a list of all the ways you could make your life a little bit easier. My opinions only. Take what you need and leave the rest. And like Marilyn said, venting is absolutely OK here!!!