Day 73. Losing hope.

[Freedomcat]

I haven't been here in a while. Last time I was I started craving and stopped coming. That's when I didnt have any cravings. Now I have cravings so much. Like looooong cravings where I feel trapped and so sad and pissed off. Such an intensity of longing.  And I get so picked off because it's not really an option. I cant legitamize it anymore. I cant talk myself into 'just one' anymore. I'm hoping to start a family this year, and that wont happen if I smoke. And I'm fucking pissed off about that. I'm in such emotional pain these days. Since quitting I've experienced panic attacks most mornings...some that last almost the entire day...since the first month of my quit. I am also having ptsd symptoms and so much grief and fear. Oh man, the fear. I am having a hard time going to work or really leaving my bedroom. I cry a lot and it feels neverending and uncontollable. I dont know who I am anymore. I'm in limbo between the old me and the new me. And I desperately want to go back to the old me. I want to go to outside and escape my problems. I want to walk and smoke two in a row as I often did. I want to numb my brain. I want to self medicate. I want to feel everything is alright again. To live in a fantasy word again behind  smoke screen. I am longing for smoking and feel so angry that I cant anymore. Why cant I just smoke for a few.weeks. just go on a bender and then come back. Common. Pleeeeaaasssse??

I dont mean to scare anyone from trying...I just need to share my experience. Maybe to feel not so alone. To get some support. To hear some other and some compassion. Some suggestions. 

I am seeing a therapist, and have upped my anxiety meds as well. Just an fyi. 

Honestly, what now? I committed to making it through no mans land. Here's hoping it gets better. Until then I just want to hide in my bed. And eat chocolate and chips. And I know that's not helping but today that's where I am. I dont feel I can do more. It's all too fucking much. Today. 

(Sorry for the swearing)

Tanya

[Beck37]

I am so sorry Tanya. I honestly can’t even imagine what you are experiencing. I know how incredibly awful it was for me when I was going thru the continuous anxiety having never dealt with it before, but mine went away. I can’t even fathom living day in and day out with what you describe. I wish I could take away some of your pain. I can understand your need to crawl into your cocoon to try to feel safe. My heart truly hurts for you....

Please hang in there. Keep that family that you want to start as the light at the end of your tunnel.....

Beck

[YoungAtHeart]

It's one of two things:  1) a lot of people self medicated with smoking, both physically AND mentally.  You have taken all of that away.  Might you talk to your therapist about changing up your meds to get the right balance?  or 2) it's just the crappy, crappy part of traveling through No Mans Land - and it WILL end. 

Don't despair.  You can fix either!  Try #1, then if that isn't the answer, figure out better ways to deal with #2.......... exercise, maybe?  You blogged - and that is a WONDERFUL thing to do - and you didn't smoke - even BETTER!.

And keep in mind that it WILL end.  i promise it will. 

(and what's WRONG with chocolate and potato chips???!!! )

Hang in there.  I'm cheering for you and sending TLC and hugs!

Nancy

[Christine13]

I'm so sorry you are having such a tough time.  As someone who lives with anxiety and depression I can relate.

You are strong tho, I hear it in your voice.  Sending you comfort, and peace.  What about some meditation for anxiety and deep breathing?  I have just started a new medication for anxiety and depression and I hope to be able to get as far as you've come.  Walking is the best medicine ever.  I wish I could but I fractured my foot.

[beazel]

I'm sorry for what you are feeling.

It is a journey, and a pretty tough one at that.

Please hang on, so many understand exactly what you are going through (and we made it!)

I hope too, that you will come here more often - daily, if needed - a smoking forum is a huge part of what got me through to freedom.

We will listen, good or bad, we can help hold you up as best we can.

Not feeling "normal" and feeling like you aren't you is one of the mind games that tests your strength to the limits.

You can do this - you really can!

KTQ

[marciem]

Awww, Freedomcat... I'm so sorry you're feeling so bad right now.

I think YoungAtHeart‌ said it best... it is one of those two things and they are both fix-able.  One with possible meds change, and the other is just patience with the journey... and possibly a combination of both.

To smoke now would really let yourself down.  The happy comfy smoker inside you has left the building, & you won't be satisfying any real physical need, which is the main reason we all continued to smoke... it felt good to put the inner junkie to rest for a bit.  That inner junkie of yours is already asleep, but the habitual behavioral junkie still needs taming and that's what this part of quitting is all about.

A couple few quotes that helped me: 

1)  if you have a cigarette, you'll be back where you started.  Where you started was desperately wishing to be where you are right now.   

2)  Smokers don't get to smoke.  They have to smoke. 

3)  You didn't come this far only to get this far.

And yah, nothing wrong with chocolate and potato chips, they are part of the tool kit for No Man's Land, which is where you are.

Best to you!!  Hang on... you're getting where you want to be 

[Barbscloud]

Tanya, I so wanted to answer you early this morning but had to go out.  I had very few physical symptoms of withdrawal. It was mostly emotional.  I think that may actually be harder to fight than the physical because I'm supposed to be feeling better about myself because, HECK, I quit smoking.  Isn't that the most wonderful thing I could do for myself?  It's really hard in the beginning, but by NML's I should be feeling good.  Not.  I'll admit the old you is safer and easier to be with.    I'll be celebrating 1 year in two days, but there are rough days in my life that I still have to remind myself that "I don't do that anymore".  Stay strong through this part of the journey.  These are the time when we scream for help and there will be people here for you to get you through.  73 days smoke free is a terrible thing to waste.

Barb

[elvan]

I am really sorry you are struggling, I agree that you may need to have your meds adjusted, I struggled so much with the psychological withdrawal but I did not have any real physical withdrawal that I recognized...other than the inconvenience of my GI tract slowing down to a crawl.  You have come a long ways...you do not want to go back to the beginning...we really all want to help you.  You need to try to stay close to the site, we cannot help you if you are not here.  Vent, yell, stomp your feet...and know that that is EXACTLY what your addiction is doing right now, throwing a tantrum.  Like a toddler, it needs to be put in a time out.

Ellen

[DonnaMarie]

I'm sorry to read that you're struggling and agree that seeing someone and having meds adjusted is a good idea. Make sure your medical doctor knows what's going on.

Donna

Day 85

[sweetplt]

Happy Tuesday Wondering how you are doing Freedomcat ? Gotcha in my thoughts ~ Colleen