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Quitting when you live with smokers

Dr_Hays
Mayo Clinic
31 26 3,037

Do you fear it’s impossible to quit if you share a home with smokers?

 

It’s a challenge, to be sure. You may be frequently faced with temptation, and you may worry about offending the smokers you live with. As one former smoker put it: “I felt like I was saying, ‘By the way, I’m better than you — I don’t smoke.’”

 

Yet plenty of people who live with smokers are able to quit for good! Here are steps you can take to boost your odds of succeeding.

 

  • Negotiate house rules, ideally before you quit.

 

Don’t leave anything to chance! Let’s say your partner smokes on the deck every morning after breakfast, triggering you to light up in the car. Ask your partner to smoke in a different location, such as the back yard, or at a different time, like while you’re showering or after you leave for work.

 

If those you live with won’t agree to stop smoking in the house, designate one smoke-free room or, better yet, limit smoking to a single room. Ask them to keep cigarettes and ashtrays out of sight and not to smoke in the car with you.

 

  • Ask your housemates not to offer you a cigarette or let you bum one.

 

Of course, the responsibility to avoid cigarettes is yours, not theirs, but you certainly can enlist their help. Instruct them to say: “Sorry, you asked me not to let you bum a smoke and to remind you to pull out your list of reasons for quitting.”

 

  • Leave the room — or the house.

 

If you can’t avoid a housemate who’s smoking, don’t make yourself miserable — or vulnerable to relapse. Go elsewhere, and keep your hands, mouth, and/or mind busy. Give yourself a manicure or chew gum while you listen to a podcast.   

 

During those first few weeks, plan to spend less time at home. Visit the library or make plans with non-smoking friends. Go for a bike ride. Walk around the block.

 

Once you’re over the hump, you may find that living with a smoker actually strengthens your resolve to stay tobacco free. As one former smoker put it, “Listening to my wife cough every day is a huge motivator for me to never smoke again.”

 

If you quit while living with smokers, what advice do you have for others?

26 Comments
elvan
Member

I did not ever smoke in my house which made it much easier to ask others not to.  I would certainly think that all of the suggestions you make above are not unreasonable.  I made it clear to smokers that I knew that I had to remove myself from the area if they were smoking when I was around.  I simply told them that I had to protect my quit, at all costs.  They were very understanding and supportive. I did not LIVE with them though. 

Diannnnn
Member

I live with two smoker's, but they are supportive of my quit. We have only ever smoked outside, so it is very easy to get away from the smoke if necessary.  I am still 10 days away from my quit date, but as of now, seeing someone smoke or smelling someone else's smoke does not trigger me. I realize this may not be the case when I put them down for good, but I am hoping that stays the same. All my triggers seem to be emotional or physical, not external per se. Guess we will see.

Great advice dr_hays. Removal from the situation seems best, but also asking your smoking friends for their support is crucial as well. This also reminded me to tell everyone NOT to let me bum a smoke. I should make up little business cards with COPD in a large, bolded, black like my lungs font for them to flash at me if/when I ask. I would put the grim reaper on there, but that might be a bit morbid.

Thank you

Dian

CommunityAdmin
Community Manager
Community Manager

https://excommunity.becomeanex.org/groups/smoking-partners?sr=search&searchId=c1608f64-873a-43b9-b65...‌ is actually a group focused on people who live with smoking partners/roommates.  Great advice elvan‌ and Diannnnn

Mark
EX Community Manager

Giulia
Member

Good to hear from you again Doc.  You've been missed!

Thomas3.20.2010

The reference is hard to access. Here is an easier copy to read:

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/21536968

Conclusion:

Nicotine from SHS exposure results in substantial brain α(4)β(2)* nAChR occupancy in smokers and nonsmokers. Study findings suggest that such exposure delivers a priming dose of nicotine to the brain that contributes to continued cigarette use in smokers. This study has implications for both biological research into the link between SHS exposure and cigarette use and public policy regarding the need to limit SHS exposure in cars and other enclosed spaces.

bonniebee
Member

I live with a smoker who was not compliant to any new rules she smokes in the house in every room I have tried to keep my room smoke free but she sometimes forgets and walks into my room with a cigarette in hand ! 

I found that once I made up my mind to quit no matter what, it was much easier to quit even while seeing her smoking . I even discovered the temptations and craves came whether i was in the room with her or not it really made no difference . I watch TV  and go online in my own room so i could get away from seeing it and the smell never has bothered me i guess i have always been used to it . 

I think the thought itself " I can't quit if I live with a smoker "  is a negative thought that one can change to "I want to quit and nothing will stop me ! " In other words, thoughts are powerful and we have the power to change our thoughts even  if we cannot change our circumstances . 

 I do believe it has  made my quit stronger . I do not have to fear being tempted when being with people  who smoke . When I went to visit my sister who smokes and smokes in her house I had no problem because I was already used to it .

My friend has been supportive by not giving me a cigarette the few times in anger i wanted one of hers she said no you will regret it and i said yes I would !

coreinstincts
Member

this is so true and the same thing happened to me and the reasons why I want to quit is because I want my children to see that it can be done. They want to quit also but have no resolve; I live with someone right now that will never quit; however, I am hopefully moving soon. Then it will be my house, my rules. But for now, the guy I live with is being really good about not smoking around me and even not smoking in the upper part of the house. However, when he forgets it doesn't bother me either and I am only 3 days into my quit. That part doesn't bother me; it's my own mind, that plays those dirty tricks on me.

coreinstincts
Member

I now have 11 days in on my quit and I live with a smokers that does not respect the fact that I no longer smoke and he smokes where ever he wants to whenever he wants to. It can be done you just need the right plan and the right motivation I am hoping I can keep it up and keep going but for now so far so good.

lee with 11 DOF

bonniebee
Member

You are doing great keep it going !

Anite
Member

For sure I don't miss the coughing al the time but I do miss the taste with my first cup of coffee.  But I am getting there.  Day 5 now.

Roller831
Member

Keep up the good work!  You can do this!  Tell yourself you don't do that anymore!

Diannnnn
Member

I remember when I was down to only a few smokes a day and my sense of taste was coming back I got mad at the cigarettes because they ruined the taste of my coffee. That's when I knew I was ready to quit!

Sandy-9-17-17
Member

Anite, that was the time I thought I would miss most, was morning with my coffee.

But I am not really missing it!  My coffee with my cream tastes better though! 

MChaney
Member

Thank you for this! I am wanting to quit, but my husband isn't ready. . .

mylene
Member

I had quit for 6 months last year. My daughter smokes on the porch or basement.  She also frequently left her cigarettes on the porch.  At first when I would hear the door closes it was a real trigger! I talked about it alot and asked my daughter to shut the doors quietly and I lost that trigger. The temptation to take one of the unsupervised cigarettes was there too. I just reminded myself that they weren't for me anymore.  Why did I relapse? I got angry and left and bought cigarettes. Right now my new quit date is April 24th 

elvan
Member

mylene Will be really happy to welcome you back...anger is a huge quit killer.  Please plan for your quit and your triggers so you are ready when they occur...they WILL occur.  I suggest reading everything you can find on nicotine addiction...My EX Plan | BecomeAnEX  is a link to help you track cigarettes and triggers and make your plan.  Stay close to the site...come here every morning and every evening if you can...MORE if you have time.  Read blogs, learn from others about how they handled triggers, what worked for them.  Stock up on things to snack on, buy some bubble juice and plan to step outside and blow bubbles.  Get a box to put your daughter's cigarettes in...something that is easy for her to just toss them in but out of sight.  This quit belongs to you and only you, no one can quit for you and no one can make you smoke.

MChaney That all goes for you as well...your quit will belong to you, you do not need your husband to quit for you to quit...no one needs to be ready to quit (we seldom are) but you need to be willing to quit, willing to read about this addiction, willing to commit to quitting.  I will not tell you that it's easy because it wasn't for me but I WILL tell you that it gets easier, that you CAN do this.  Read everything you can find and be serious about quitting.  If your husband does not want to quit, ask him to at least support YOU in your quit..and ask him not to smoke in the house or the car so that you do not have to be exposed to second hand smoke.

Welcome to both of you.

Ellen

Cash1963
Member

My husband is in the 'preparing' stage. Via my own quit I am hoping that he see's that it is possible to quit. This alone is enough to keep me away from cigarettes. I need him to live for a very long time.

MattMongoose
Member

As one former smoker put it, “Listening to my wife cough every day is a huge motivator for me to never smoke again.”
This is a really powerful way to look at it. The hard part is not nagging my partner to quit - she'll quit when she's ready, not before. 

kristimarie
Member

This article is great! I quit smoking ciggs before and it was rather easy because I was getting sick of the smell. but then i pick up vaping. my husband smokes ciggs. so not too much of a trigger because I can't stand the smell.

kristimarie
Member

MAYBE ASK THEM TO GO FOR A WALK AND SMOKE, SO I DONT HAVE TO SEE IT.

AND USE A STRAW IN THE MEANTIME FOR THE HAND TO MOUTH

DougWillis
Member

I don’t smoke in the house, and every time I step outside in the winter in the freezing cold, I realize how utterly ridiculous it is! But… with that being said, ridiculous or not, I have continued to do just that!  It’s crazy how inconvenient this habit can be, yet us smokers always overcome those inconveniences and continue smoke!  I have had more important things,  that I have put off, because of causing an inconvenience, but with smoking I always allow any inconvenience that comes along with it!  I always seem to find a way!!  Ridiculous, I know!! 

MPG0903
Member

There is no smoking allowed in the house.  All smoking must be done outside so as not to stink up the house or have it constantly in your face.

Barbscloud
Member

@MPG0903 Welcome to the Ex and congrats on your quit tomorrow.  Not smoking in the house is a major accomplishment.  When I moved 10 years ago, I quit smoking in my house  and I quit smoking in my car several cars ago.  Those two things do help when your quitting for good.

Glad you found us.  If you haven't done so already, it's not too late to learn about nicotine addiction and having a quit plan.  Along with some aids and the support I found at the Ex, I quit after 50 years of smoking.  It takes work, but it is possible.  This link has some good information to get you started.https://www.becomeanex.org/guides/?cid=footer_community_linktobex

And, join many of us on the Daily Pledge to stay on track one day at a time.

Consider creating your own post at My Journal/Blog to introduce yourself to the community and receive great support from fellow quitters. That support is invaluable.

Stay busy and stay close

Barb

mycatmylove
Member

I'm a caregiver for my mostly bedridden son. He smokes and there's no way I can just leave the house. I have 2 air purifiers that run all the time.

Barbscloud
Member

@mycatmylove Welcome to the Ex and congrats on your commitment to quitting.  I know it won't be easy, but you can do it.   Normally we would suggest the other smoker not smoke in the house, but since that is is not possible,  it will take an effort on your part.   Although it's hard, there are other quitters here where the other smoker refused to smoke outside and they have still quit.  I hope you can step outside to get some fresh air at least. Maybe you'll inspire him to give quitting a try.

Educating yourself about nicotine addiction and preparing for your quit, will help to make quitting possible.  This link has some great information to help you.

https://www.becomeanex.org/guides/?cid=footer_community_linktobex

Join many of us on the Daily Pledge to stay on track one day at a time.

Stay busy and stay close.

Barb

 

 

 

 

About the Author
An expert in tobacco use and dependence, Dr. Hays has authored and co-authored over 70 peer-reviewed scholarly articles and book chapters on various aspects tobacco dependence and its treatment. Since joining the Nicotine Dependence Center in 1992, he and its staff have treated more than 50,000 patients for tobacco dependence.