How to Silence Shame

[NDC_Team]

I have been doing a great deal of thinking about shame and the power it has on influencing our thoughts and how it can sabotage us, when we are trying to make changes.  I once heard shame described as “one of the most corrosive human emotions.” When shame gets in our head our self-talk turns to, “I am a failure,” “I am flawed,” “I am unlovable,” and “what were you thinking?”  Shame is a powerful feeling but it is also a common one that we have all experienced one time or another.  Maybe you are experiencing this feeling now because of unsuccessful quit attempts. Whatever the reason, it is important to find ways to manage the shame so that is doesn’t lead you down the path of self-destruction and sabotage your quit. 

Here are a few tips to try:

• Talk about it – Acknowledge it and talk about it with those trusted people that you have in your life, because the more you talk about shame, the less power it has in your life. The empathy from others will help you keep your self-talk in perspective and assist you in coming up with coping strategies to manage it. By acknowledging shame, you refuse to let it define who you are as a person.  Author Dr. Brenae Brown writes, “When we bury the story, we forever stay the subject of the story.  If we own the story, we get to narrate the ending.”
• Name your feeling – Are you really feeling shame or is it something else? Often times when we stop and reflect on our emotions, we discover that we are feeling something totally different, such as guilt or embarrassment. Neither of these feelings are comfortable but they are not targeting your self-worth.
• Disconnect what you do from who you are as a person – If your quit attempt does not go the way you had hoped, it does not mean you are a bad person, it just means you need a new plan. Forgive yourself and try again.
• Seek Support – Shame at its core is a fear of disconnection. By reaching out to family, friends, and communities (EX Community is a great place), we make connections that allow us to accept ourselves and others.

Heather Kraling-Coons, MA

NDC Counselor/CTTS

[Dani2154]

I needed to hear that! Thank you!

[green1611]

Very true. 

Sharing reduce stress, empty out mind, and refilled with rejoice.

thank you

[Thomas3.20.2010]

A much needed blog since recovery is Self Care and tough to gift ourselves when filled with shame.

[elvan]

Great post & so true, the Merry Go Round of addiction.

Ellen

[bobby1962]

Stay positive and believe in your self. Keep positive people around you , and stay away from the negative people. Those negative folks are so unhappy with their lives for one reason or another that they do not like seeing people happier or doing better than them. Avoid them and stay positive , good things will happen.

[saraklosterman]

This was a great read. Thank you.

[Barbscloud]

@saraklosterman Welcome to the EX.  Congrats on your decision to quit.  Keep reading material on the site. There's lots of great information to help with your quit.

Barb

[DennisConner]

Day 1 I quit 4 times in 24 hrs.  I was disgusted and felt like I could never over come this.  The thought came to my mind that it was like breaking a Bronco.  I may get thrown a few times, but have to keep getting back on.  Eventually this horse will see that I’m not going away.  There’s nonshame in getting thrown. Within 2 days I was done, and I kept a stick count on my mirror at the end of each day. 

[hkralingcoons]

@DennisConner, I really appreciate your horse analogy. Stopping smoking is definitely a process and it is important to remember that. There are times when it feels like all you are doing is moving backward but if you keep trying, it will not take long to get yourself headed in the right direction. You kept your smoke free goal at the forefront and 2 days later you made it through the day without getting bucked off. I hope your experiences inspires others not to give up on themselves and to stay focused even if there are challenges along the way.  

[edderosa]

Unfortunately I am on here right now because my wife caught me for the fourth time vaping in the house. All of the lies and sneaking around vaping is ruining my marriage. I also have two kids at home and i’m full of shame right now. I’ve thought about quitting multiple times but in the end I could never make the decision to stop, it was just too powerful in my life. I am now desperately throwing myself into this now praying for some shot at making it through. I am sick of the control it has over me as well. Thanks for listening 

[DennisConner]

@edderosa @I’m not a psychologist, but I’ve lived enough to know that your reason for quitting has to be within you. It won’t work as external pressure, unless you’re in a confined situation against your will (ie prison).  You have to have reason enough for you to want it.  And you have to want that reason more than you want nicotine.  Just my opinion.

[Un1qu3]

A powerful read.