There are diverse ways to be supported and how we like to receive support is unique to everyone. It could be that you need someone to vent to, a shoulder to cry on, or a hand to hold. You may need time alone, space to be frustrated or angry, or help with chores that feel overwhelming on some days. Yes, there are so many countless ways in which we can obtain (or provide) support. Significant people in your life such as a partner or spouse, friend, parent, mentor, colleague, neighbor, grandparent, or even the clerk at your favorite coffee shop may be helpful. Identifying what kinds of support you might need at various times, and planning on how you can access that support is a good idea, so that in a moment of crisis you have a way to cope that does not involve any kind of tobacco product. Having a plan requires discussing and mutually agreeing on ways those closest to you can be supportive. For example: Telling your spouse that you need some alone time when you come home from work and requesting that they not engage with you during this time.
Just as support can be important, so is having healthy boundaries as to what is supportive and what is not with regards to our friends and family. Comments made by those around you, regarding your tobacco use or quitting journey, that illicit a strong negative emotional response such as frustration, anger, anxiety, or invalidation can take a toll on your mental health. Some examples are a spouse stating, “I quit cold turkey. How come you need all this nicotine replacement?” Or a friend saying, “I thought you were trying to quit so why are you still smoking?” People may have good intentions but can sometimes lack the means to deliver on those intentions appropriately. By communicating aloud how their words and actions impact us, followed by how it can be changed to be more helpful, we provide them with the means to support us. If these comments come from people whose true intention is not to support us, then it may become necessary to assertively set healthy boundaries with these individuals and let them know that you do not welcome their thoughts about your quitting journey.
Communicating in these scenarios may feel confrontational because being direct with setting boundaries and asking for what we need is a skill that takes courage and practice. It can feel stressful or even overwhelming in the beginning. It may feel easier to just leave things be, ignore, or disregard the comments and move on. But the easy route also might leave you feeling not so good about yourself. So let them know. These hard conversations when approached with patience, intention, and thoughtfulness pave the way to mutual understanding between two people. It may not always go the way we would like it to; but by giving it our best shot, we increase the chances that it goes in our favor and the outcome is that we feel better understood and supported.
How do or did you create healthy boundaries for your quit journey? How will or did you use support systems to support your quit journey?
Dhivyaa Manickam, M. A.
Counselor / CTTS
Photo by Helena Lopes
