Day 9: man oh man

[Kelly16]

Hi friends,

Just curious- During your quit, did you ever have moments where you wished you could go back in time to when you weren't focused on your health and were living your life however you wanted with no regard? For me, that "back in time" is not too long ago. It's been 19 days since I started Chantix, smoke free for the last 9. I know that what I've been doing for the last 9 days is the right path, there is no question. But tonight I find myself looking back on fond memories, before I started taking the Chantix when I would smoke whenever the mood struck. It wasn't a question on whether to smoke or not. It was just a part of life.  And I know now that it was the addiction. I know now that I was a prisoner to the craving. The urge of the demon that we call nicotine. But I'm just being real here- If you take a moment to take out the demon factor, the prisoner factor, the addiction factor...man oh man was smoking great. I am not trying to lesson the goal here. I am not trying to make a mockery of it. I am just being real. If I make it, and I will make it, through this smoke free journey, I will not lie to people about how much I enjoyed it. I will probably enjoy it for all my years. Doesn't mean that I have to partake, but I will not be dishonest. I loved smoking. I recall an episode of SNL during the Jack Handy's Deep Thoughts, when he says,

"Children, do not start smoking. But to the ones who have, isn't it great?" 

It's supposed to be humorous. It's supposed to not be taken seriously.

But there is a bit a seriousness in those words and you'd be lying if you didn't agree to some extent.

I mean, isn't that why we're all here?

Thanks for listening. 

[Giulia]

My addict mind says I loved smoking.  But then when I go back and recall that very first cigarette and how it made me feel when I was whatever age - dizzy, nauseous, it tasted AWFUL.  When I go back and recall those times I had quit for even as little as 3 days, and then taking that first hit again - how it made me feel dizzy and nauseous and it tasted somewhat awful.  When I think about those times when I chain smoked at night or at a party and how dry and disgusting my mouth felt...  When I stand aside my addict mind and think about  the reality of the experiences, I realized that I didn't really LOVE smoking, I just loved the fact that it felt so wonderful to ease the craving.  That's what feels good - stopping the nicotine receptors from screaming.  A cigarette only really tastes good if you keep putting one in your mouth.  If you don't, it really tastes awful.  

It's an amazing thing what cigarettes do.  They give us a craving which they then take away.  Give, take, give, take.  The only way out is to break the give and take.  

Do I ever wish I could go back in time?  You bet.  To the time when I was a child and taken care of.  When I had never put a cigarette in my mouth.  But I don't wish to go back to the time when I smoked.  For that is not a "better" feeling time to me.  I'm  enjoying my life just as much now as a non smoker as I did when I smoked.  Hope you get there too.

" tonight I find myself looking back on fond memories, before I started taking the Chantix when I would smoke whenever the mood struck."  This is a prime example of "romancing the cigarette."  Don't dwell there.  Change your focus.

/blogs/SarahP-blog/2013/01/16/no-mans-land-weekly-blog-romancing-the-cig 

[Gwenivere]

Did we know we were opening a Pandora’s box tho?  I certainly didn’t.   I thought I could walk away any time.  I came from a generation that it was a part of. I was in my immortal young 20's.  It only became evident later when each of my cohorts and I were faced with the reality.  Health issues, having kids, etc.  Most young people don’t smoke asthe come from a more educated time.  The few that do probably feel as I did, just stop someday if needed or wanted.  Adddiction is a word til it actually happens to you.  I’d like to say had I known I wouldn’t have started, but I can’t as that info wasn’t there and would I have listened.  Probably not.  Up to a few years ago I could still do the treadmill as always and walk miles in the dog park.  I guess I don’t romanticize it, it was just part of my life.  Now inevthat has to end.  And NOW I understand addiction- big time.

[Rick_M]

Congrats Kelly to you for 9 whole days no smoke. Some great advice attached to this blog.....stay with your quit...

[A.N.N.]

Congratulations Kelly!

I think what Guilia said..."I realized I didn't really LOVE smoking, I just loved the fact that it felt so wonderful to ease the craving. That's what feels good." spoke so much to me! I said for years during really hard times, that smoking was the pain I inflicted on myself. Now I want to choose to take care of myself, show me a lot more kindness.

I guess for me, today, I can't see back past what smoking cost me.

[stAn3]

Every time you want to smoke in the future, it will be from memories like the ones you mentioned. It’s called euphoric recall. Don’t dwell on those thoughts. Play the tape all the way through. If smoking was so great, why did you quit? Obviously there’s negative aspects to smoking as well as things you liked about it.

It sounds to me like you are grieving. Stopping an addiction to a drug feels emotionally like getting a divorce. Over the course of our addiction, we develop the same level of attachment to our drug as we have for a loved one.

[Giulia]

YES!!!!   "Play the tape all the way through."   Especially when you're romancing!  /blogs/Giulia-blog/2013/09/02/replay-the-relapse 

[maryfreecig]

Wow, thanks for the term Euphoric Recall!!! I'm putting it in my tool box.

[KMC56]

Congrats on 9 days...and keep right on marching onto freedom.

Don't ya just LOVE this site!!

Yep, I loved, enjoyed smoking.  I don't miss it, the addiction part that is.  But ther are times in a social situation...but I love that I am strong enough to overcome it...921 DOF

~Kathy

[Barbara145]

Dear Kelly.  You are simply grieving a loss.  I was where you are 5 years ago.  I thought I "LOVED SMOKING" for 52 years.  It sucked getting over the loss and the memories.  It took me a long time.  You know what?  I really did not love smoking.  Life is wonderful when instead of smoking you look for more creative ways to enjoy life.  It is there for our taking.  The journey you are embarking upon will surprise you, delight you and teach you more than you ever knew about yourself. At 71 years of age I have been on many journey's in this life.  None quite as remarkable as quitting smoking.  I love everyday!   Congratulations on quitting smoking!

[maryfreecig]

     Early on I did miss the past because it seemed easier. I also felt angry that it wasn't easier to let go--after all it's no secret how dangerous and unhealthy smoking is. I felt discouraged that I found all other experiences as second rate to smoking and wondered when my brain would finally break away from idolizing smoking. I pressed on with smobriety just the same--walking, reading, art, taking pictures on my walks, work, so many things--all the while feeling a loss of ease. 

     I quit when I was 54, 5 years ago. But I'd had a good quit when I was 25--had smoked since I was 17. I quit for about 2-2.5 years and was relieved and proud. I let go I the smoking completely and was thankful to have quit. I sobered up at 27 and for good, but once I did that I ran back to the cigarettes and didn't care. Fast forward to 54, I'd given up on quitting until one day out of the blue I made a 180 turn and decided to quit. I planned for nearly three weeks. This time around I no longer was 25 and dreaming of overcoming obstacles, facing challenges and WINNING. I felt sad. 

    Now I don't miss the 40,000 cigarettes(hundreds of thousands of puffs) that I never got to smoke over the past five years. I'm really happy about saving 15,000 bucks. And I'm grateful that I found something inside of me that could and would get over the fixation, compulsion and other nasties of addiction. I wanted to be a happy warrior right off the bat, instead I had to grow out of the addiction. If I've had a nemesis in life, it would be frustration--oh how I hated learning to deal with it. Dang. But it passed!

    Thanks for sharing.