What if i disagree with a posting

[rrrich7]

I have had someone post a response to my conversation, and it was full of stuff I don't like and isn't helpful to me.  I don't want to argue, but neither do I want this person harping on their "advice" which isn't helpful.

Am I allowed to disagree and post my disagreement and tell the person their "yelling" (all caps) isn't helpful?

[kristen-9-7-15]

The saying around here is "Take what you need and leave the rest".  Every one is entitled to their opinion.  You can absolutely voice your opinion but in a respectful way. You can always private message that person and discuss it so it is not public and causes a stir.  I have done that and it was just a misunderstanding.  We are buddies today and I definitely needed the tough love. Hopefully everyone is respectful of others.  It is hard to "read" people online.

[CommunityAdmin]

rrrich7‌ Yes you could disagree thought we're not really recommending arguments here. Healthy respectful discussions are encouraged.  As kristen-9.7.15‌ suggests another approach can be "Take the best and leave the rest". Just because something is a response to you doesn't mean it will be applicable fully to you. Take what's helpful.  The next person who comes along might find other aspects of the post helpful.  Sometimes you can just say, "Thanks, for your advice T and V worked for me but X and Y aren't applicable. "  The poster shouldn't be offended. Advice is offered freely here without expectation and there are certainly a wide variety of successful quitters here.

Taking it to Private Messages for clarification however isn't always successful.  You can do what you feel will be most effective.

Sometimes people post CAPS for excitement or emphasis here on EX. That's no big deal but certainly we don't want people excessively using CAPS which suggests YELLING.  Plus, a wall of CAPS text is downright hard to read.  Overall the people here are very caring and are looking out for you, but with all online communities there are sometimes personalities that don't  mesh.  Luckily there is plenty of space to co-exist when you don't mesh with someone.  And when in doubt, give people the benefit of the doubt.  You can ask them for clarification and confirm they meant what they posted, often it gets cleared up through clarification, sometimes what we post and what we intend are two different things.  We're human, it happens to everyone, even me.

Everyone should be considerate of their tone when conversing with others online. It's just proper netiquette. Our BecomeAnEX Community Guidelines‌ cover this.  If you see something that seems to cross the line on your post or someone else's you can click the Report Abuse option under Actions and I can review.  Not all things that are marked will be edited, but we review them impartially. We keep reports confidential.

Mark

EX Community Manager

[elvan]

rrrich7‌ I don't think anyone means to be offensive, I know that when I use caps, it is only to stress a word or two because it is so hard to convey feelings when you cannot see or hear the person you are talking to.  I would suggest sending a direct message to the person and saying how the post(s) make you feel...hopefully they will understand where you are coming from and just give you some space.  I hope you keep going with your quit...one of my favorite expressions from this site is "Never quit quitting."  Puts it all into perspective, it took me MANY failed quits to get to where I am today.  We want you to succeed, remember that.  No one wants to make things harder for you.

Best,

Ellen

[JACKIE1-25-15]

I understand where you are coming from.  Sometimes we can take comments personally, especially if we are not familiar with some of the "personalities" and new in your quit.  I am not trying to make EXcuses if someone offended you, but everyone here is entitled to voice their opinion.  I am aware there can be some very stern responses.  When we first quit smoking there is a tendency to be more sensitive and take things on a defensive.  (Addictive brain) However, for the mass majority this site is filled with some experienced quitters that keep it real and may cause you to THINK.  Hopefully, not to REACT. Take what you can use and leave the rest.  Don't sweat the small stuff.  Your quit is more important than anything else.   Don't allow someone else's behavior IF it is bad cause you to be distracted. Keep it Moving.  Keeping it real.  My opinion: there is no such thing as tough love for adults, it was meant for kids.  FYI love is not tough, love is kind. Just saying.  Yeah caps can mean hollering.  Sorry about mine but I am not hollering just want to bring attention.  Will check myself out in the future.  Thanks for the reminder. 

[Giulia]

The above responses are all good ones.  Sometimes I will use full caps as emphasis to push someone in a particular direction.  Sometimes I'll "pretend yell" at someone.  If they knew me, they'd know I was yelling with a big smile on my face.  The people here who DO 'know' me, understand that if I give them a response like:  DON'T BE STUPID!"  I'm saying it with humor and love, not in meanness and to be derogatory.  I would never say that out of such an awful place in my heart to anybody.  That's not who I am.  But, as Ellen and Kristen both expressed, it's almost impossible for someone to "hear" and grasp the real intent of the support being given.  Support can be a very delicate balance and some people are more sensitive and self-defensive than others.  Some only want cuddles.  Some do better with a more tough love/truth approach.  Some learn that cuddles are great but so is the tough love.   

I have found that often private messages can help the understanding of the support being given.  I've had several people over the years send me a PM telling me they did NOT appreciate my tone nor support!  And I always apologize because my intent is not to "hurt" them, or make them feel bad.  Nor is it to chastise them.  But it IS to point out to them the excuses that I believe they might be making that are causing them to continue to fail, or the direction that they're taking that may not lead them to a successful quit.  

This support community really is about taking what you need, what you like, what WORKS for you, and leaving what doesn't.  Because as Mandolinrain?  said brilliantly recently:  The leavings that you don't take may be just the nourishment for another quitter who "gets" the point being made.

When I disagree with a posting, I have a choice.  I can respond saying I don't agree with your "take."  Or I can just ignore it.  If I respond saying I don't agree with your 'take,' that can either open up a dialogue for others to offer opinions, OR it can create a ruckus.  Depends on the tone and the amount of defensiveness of each party.  We are all basing our opinions on our own experience.  And some of us are basing our opinions on YEARS of experience offering support.

Bottom line is - we're simply offering OPINIONS.  In my book everyone is entitled to their own opinion.  You don't have to adhere to mine, nor I yours.  But listening to other's opinions and opening ourselves without prejudice can change lives.

[MarilynH]

Beautifully written Giulia and right on my friend and Fellow Exer.

[elvan]

Well said Giulia‌

[vanlil]

Hooray again for Guila - I am not "thin skinned" and I love "direct" people.  This Ex site has only given suggestions - and very important suggestions.  If I jumped out of a plane with a parachute - I would love suggestions on how to use the parachute.

Lillian (vanlil)

[Giulia]

Vanlil We need to learn how to use the parachute BEFORE we jump out of that plane.  Having jumped out of a plane at the age of 21?, every moment of instruction prior to the jump was attempting to teach us about all that could go wrong in the jump and how to correct it if that happened. That's kind of exactly what we're trying to do here.  Teach everybody not only HOW to quit but more importantly how to maintain it once you've made that leap.