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On week 4 and feeling disheartened...

Question asked by o2run on Mar 8, 2017
Latest reply on Apr 30, 2018 by stmand92

I just found this place today. Thankfully. I almost just went out and bought a pack but I just keep thinking of the feeling AFTER I have that first puff if I did. I know I would be so upset with myself. I know I would regret it so horribly and it would put me right back to the start of the past miserable 3 weeks. I read Allen Carr's Easy way (listened actually) - it took me several months to read it, I kept putting it off. I was a secret smoker. Only a few people in my life knew that I did, and I took great precautions to keep it that way. I have always been a very healthy person, a long distance runner, and I'm a therapist (counselor). Besides the occasional cigarette in college when I was in Europe, I was someone that thought smoking was gross and stinky. Then 4 years ago when I met my ex husband, life took a downhill turn, and I stopped taking care of myself. I started joining him on the porch for a cigarette. I never bought my own, just had one of his once in awhile. That turned of course into the gradual and sneaky (and constantly justifying) habit that had me chain smoking my own American Spirits on the porch. Besides smoking with one of my best friends who helped the justification (she was healthy, active, fit) I only smoked at home. When I left my husband I assumed I would quit, but I didn't. It became my safe haven and routine. Since my office is next to my house I literally set up my sessions so I could have a nice block of time in the morning to sit outside, play a mindless game on my phone, and smoke cigarette after cigarette. I had a routine around keeping the secret- I went so far as to wear a hat and coat I only used to smoke in and even wear a plastic glove bc I hated the smell on my fingers. And then of course I scrubbed my face and mouth afterwards. 

 

I didn't know I was going to write a whole story here. I guess I'm just so disheartened bc I still feel the cravings. I don't want to smoke, I know I will regret it, and I've come this far- but I am so ready to not have that gnawing feeling in my chest/ back of throat that wants that relief. I have it every day. The first week was hell with other physical symptoms like basically not being able to function, but this gnawing feeling has not gone away. I'm trying to stay focused on the feeling of the run I went on the afternoon I made the decision- Feb 12. I went for a trail run and tried to pay attention to the shortage of my lung capacity and how little I could do (I think I ran about 3 miles and walked a bunch of it). I went on the same trail on Monday which was my 3 week mark. I ran 5 miles and felt fantastic. I know if I keep going I'm going to feel like my old self again somewhere down the line. But I didn't quite feel like Allen Carr had talked about. I'm kind of mad at him actually. I feel like he tricked me into thinking I'd feel like I new person in 3 weeks. In fact, that's exactly what he says. So I was holding off crossing days off on the calendar to get to 3 weeks. And I did it. But as I sit here typing I feel that heavy feeling/ craving still. 

 

Pounding my feet on the dirt is the only thing that drowns out this craving feeling. I have trouble concentrating and it's affecting my work and everything. I even started drinking more in the evenings to try to numb out that feeling. And THAT is certainly not a habit I can start. I've been trying to take a bunch of supplements to help as well. I love neuroscience and it's been helpful to learn as much as I can about the nicotine receptors, but I just assumed by now I would only be getting an occasional pang. I have the feeling pretty much all day long. 

 

My question is... I would love to hear your experiences around surviving these cravings, anything that helped? And how to deal with this frustration of COME ON already! It IS going to go away right? I have always been a massive wimp when it comes to discipline of uncomfortable feelings like this. I am so proud I made it this far but I feel like I'm hanging on a depression inducing thin thread. 

 

Any inspiration appreciated! Thank you. 

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