Imploding AND Exploding......Dealing with EMOTIONS...ANGER is Brand new for me...

Discussion created by ali2 on Oct 31, 2009
Latest reply on Oct 31, 2009 by maureen3
The last few days I have felt like a walking time bomb. At times I have half way exploded but knew not to fully let myself go for I would regret whatever was about to come out of my mouth. I feel so raw, so triggered….and ready to blow. I cannot make this blog into a nice order of flowing sequence of events because my head is so scattered I need to just get this out of me.

First of all I have not felt well for a couple of weeks..some days better than others. So this has left me with less energy….less patience…and everything has seemed a little bit harder. I have still had to face each day regardless of how I have felt. I have taken on some challenging part time jobs for someone that has a back injury but I have had to go to any lengths to work. Just ANY work. Walking a puppy 2 time a day, going to physical therapy 2 times a week and now caring for an almost 5 year old 5 afternoons a week (who has many issues) has been really challenging for me. BUT I need money to pay for Kolbie’s ( my cat) surgery and that is all I think of when I am physically hurting.

This household has been so stressful between my mother and I and all I want to do is make it better. A few days ago she had an incident. It was either a dementia incident or an altheimers incident. It was very scary for me. She knew something was not right as well and was actually cooperative with me for the first time ever! She would not let me call an ambulance because I was unsure if she had a stroke or what. This half day was the most pleasant day between us. As the day went on and she went back to herself, she became defiant, self righteous, stubborn and refused any and all help. Things have been awful since this point because now she is 100 percent paranoid that I am somehow trying to take her freedom and DO something TO her. I only tried to help her at the time! This has caused me so much pain, anger and crying outbursts.

Today at the kitchen table, I had realized I was romancing a drink last night. I am a recovering aslcoholic. I am 17 days smoke free but somehow I was convincing myself that I could be ok with a glass of wine at night because it would calm me down and be good for me heart with all this fighting. I realized today how absolutely ludicrous that is to even entertain!! This conversation turned into something I did not expect. I began to get very sad because things were talked about. I then realized WHY I drank, drugged and smoked! We all have out reasons and YES we say not to feel or to fit in…or to be social….etc. I finally realized today that I used because I have always been scared to death of people my entire life. When I realized this today I was crying with sadness thinking back of being a little girl and terrified of all grown ups. I then carried this into my adult life. The only time I was not afraid, was when I used any type of substance to cope.

I also realized that there have been things lately I have not dealt with and this is why I have been in a constant state of sadness. When my friend died of cancer and no one told me until after the fact…..I was so upset. I was angry and I am still very, very sad!!!!!!!!!!! I never got the chance to say good-bye to her. She was a mother to me when my mother was not. She took care of me for many years. When I think of her not here, I still cannot believe it or understand!!!!! It seems fake… it cannot be real. She cannot be gone!!!! How do you get beyond this? I am not use to dealing with death like this and I need to know how because I have 3 elderly grandparents. I am growing in so many ways…….yet hurting and sinking in others.

There is my baby Kolbie as well. I am going to schedule his surgery soon. I have been reluctant because I have been waiting to see if another tumor was going to grow. BUT I cannot sit on these 2 tumors he DOES have because he has had them TOO long already. If the surgery comes out on the low end of the estimate, I have now saved up enough from working my ass off in the rain, wind, cold and soon to be snow. I spent money one time on food for me and the guilt I had was so enormous thinking I stole from Kolbie’s life. How do I ever get beyond that? How can I ever, ever treat me and not feel so bad?

I had a day where I threw something….non breakable….but my emotions boiled over and I was so triggered. I realize I do not know how to handle anger and I flip into rage. I never had anger before it went into depression. So right now it is flip flopping between the two and I do not want either.

Venting helps. Sharing with others who have the same addiction as I do helps me to not feel so alone. I know that I need a meeting really badly. I see that red flag. I have been so busy trying to fix all the areas of my life that I neglected the basic area that holds my life together. I have changed my life for the better in a lot of ways and I know I should feel good about that. I eat healthier, I am exercising and despite these results I start out asking for help to do the best I can for this very day.
I needed a safe haven to express all this so I could take a deep breath. I am on 3 medical meds right now for being sick and that of course makes things much more sensitive and heightened. And most of all I AM NOT smoking!!!!!

Thank you for those you read this.