gmvirtual_gina

Lost Friend / Empty Hole....

Discussion created by gmvirtual_gina on May 8, 2009
Latest reply on Jul 27, 2009 by _k_3
I just need to ramble vent a moment....I'm missing my friend today. My smoke. But I'm not missing the taste, the smell or even the cigarette.....just feeling the "hole" that is there....and not having anything satisfactory to "put in" that hole feels weird. I know eventually the hole will reduce itself....it already has quite a bit since I quit 27 days ago......but today and yesterday it almost feels sad....I feel sad. Proud and happy for my quit. Happy about actually feeling I may become mentally a non-smoker as time progresses, I will believe more and more in my "quit". I believe in it now actually - but you know that little voice that says...."Really? are we really quit?" it's a very little voice but the voice of "it's only been a month, don't want to get over excited yet"....that voice! So when that little voice kicks up, and then I notice my "hole" .....I guess it just all comes in waves and I have been frequently in and out of this wave multiple times in the last few days. It almost feels like week one all over again. Nothing has really changed. It's just the missing of the "whatever" that filled the hole. I don't feel like a cigarette.....I just want something to "put" there........It sounds so strange as I am writing and I keep trying to "re-word" it so it makes sense to me. I love to write, typically I can express in words exactly and often in ways other people can't express and this one I can't express. But this "hole".....

People tell me "chew gum", "go for a walk", "read a book".....after reviewing this site it seems those things have really helped other people. To me, I just get really really annoyed when people say that to me. It's like wanting to lie on the white sandy beaches of Hawaii, wanting it desperately and someone says, oh sorry you can't go to Hawaii, but here you can put your feet in my plastic blue pool and lie on this tan dirt instead..........HMMMMM really? Sure that will make me feel better.....you still miss hawaii....

But yet, I don't miss Hawaii....I don't miss the taste, the smell, that's NOT it......I just want something fill it with.....ahhhhh I was hoping to write and find my solution....sometimes just "getting the words" out of my head.....helps me solve it.....but I don't think this hole can be filled. It just must be like living with a scar......it's just there. You learn to love it, appreciate it for what it is........use it for courage....for strength to remember the path, the fear, the loss, the everything struggled to earn that scar.......and that is ok.......but today.....I am just sad about the scar, I am sad about the hole and I just want something to fill it!!

thanks for listening!!! It was calming and helpful to write it out......... can anyone else relate???

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