Treading Water

[Thomas3.20.2010]

Do you sometimes feel like you're treading water in the middle of the ocean? There are certainly times in my life when I feel like that! I just get more and more tired and debate whether to keep paddling or just give it up and let the quiet sea swallow me into a permanent peace. 

Speaking for myself I recognize Covid burnout as a force driving me to loss of hope and a feeling of helplessness. This overwhelming sense of meaninglessness might drive me to Nicotine Addiction. And who could judge me, right? 

Let me tell you why I choose not to relapse. Smobriety has taught me many lessons over these 3994 days. 

I have learned that no matter how extraordinary the challenge I am up to it because I beat Nicotine Addiction and maintained my quit each and every day - good, bad, and everything in between. 

My recovery has revealed that in the process of Addiction I virtually sold my soul to Nicotine. After all, that is what recovery means - rediscovering my true God gifted Self. 

I learned that both the highs and the lows are natural and lead to a closer relationship with my Higher Power. 

Only with clear vision can I see the choices that are within me. As an Addict I felt that my only choice was my go-to: another sickerette!

As an Addict I was willing to sacrifice my Self, my family's caring concern, my future potential, just any and everything that my precious Nicotine demanded of me.

Once I experienced the Freedom from Addiction, I could begin the long, arduous and very rewarding journey of healing and reclamation. 

If you are feeling compelled to relapse I highly recommend that you examine your conscience and conscious and contemplate the many lessons that you personally learned from Smobriety.

PS: Thank you all my friends and family  of this loving Community who sought me out when I was drowning in tears. My family both in the States and Mexico have been decimated with many deaths and critical illnesses due to Covid which rampaged through generations of our loved ones. I have been engulfed with grief, loss and the loneliness of being robbed of even the fundamental customs of mourning but your support has buoyed me up in the middle of my seemingly endless ocean of despair! My gratitude surpasses all words.

[elvan]

Dearest Thomas,

It is so good to hear from you.  I am so sorry for your losses and for your grief and the inability to mourn people lost to Covid.  It has been a seriously difficult time for so many people.

I think of you so often and will keep you and your family in my prayers.  There is no desire whatsoever for me to smoke.  It has done all of the damage it is going to do, I cannot feed that addiction any more.

I do so hope that you will be able to stay closer, you are so missed.

Blessings,

Ellen

[sweetplt]

Thomas3.20.2010 ((((Thomas)))) so happy to see a post from you...you have been greatly missed at Ex’s...I am so sorry for your losses and the fact you feel like you are drowning, sadness me...we are all swimming through the waters trying to live life the best we can during this time of pandemic...I pray for all on this site...and wish you and all better days ahead where we can rejoice with family and/or friends...May you find peace through your higher power...Gotcha in my heart ~ Colleen 

[Barbscloud]

So sorry to hear of your losses.  Some families have been hit really hard with the virus.  My deepest sympathy.

It's good to hear from you.

Barb

[Hannahkim12345]

Thomas, I know that feeling of “I’m so tired, I just want to stop the treading.” That maybe easier but you know that’s not an option and it’s a feeling and feelings will pass. Allow yourself time and allow yourself to grieve. The traditional ways we say goodbye to our loved ones has been robbed from us but nonetheless we can mourn and say goodbye. It will reach them and they will heard us, I believe. Just reading this post from you I can see what a strong and wise person you are. Allow yourself weak moments - you are human, after all. I wish you peace. 

[Sootie]

Thomas3.20.2010‌

I am so sorry for your losses to this terrible disease. And you are right......not even being able to gather and comfort and hug one another over a loss seems inhuman.....an even greater loss along with the goodbye.

I am DEEPLY GRATEFUL to see you on here so close to your 11 year anniversary (which I remember so well!). I figured you were dealing with the darker side of life and would surely come out the victor as you always do. I read this today and I thought of you.....then came here and saw your post.....serendipity?

When grief comes knocking at your door, it does no good to ignore the knock. Open the door, invite grief in and sit with it for as long as it takes for you to get bored with one another. Then, it will leave. The question is not how long will grief sit and stay with you...the question is, how long will it take you to open the door.......that's where the pain is.....you have to open the door and start the process. Then comes acceptance and peace.

All my prayers and hope for you my friend.

[Giulia]

It makes my heart glad to see your post.  And I'm sorry for all your loss.  But your love helps to sustain us all.  Just as your quit does.  I will pass this blog on to someone who seems close to giving up their quit.  Perhaps it will re-focus that desire.  Sending big heart love to you.

[JACKIE1-25-15]

It is good to see a new blog post from you my friend. You know I am one of your avid followers. I am sorry that you have to deal with COVID on such a personal upfront in your face heart breaking level. I offer my sincere condolences.  I do understand and pray that you remain in  the peace and comfort that only God can give.  Thomas3.20.2010 No matter what you go through, I am a witness that you will float like a rose, and never let the water take you under. Be blessed. 

I love you. 

[Daniela2016]

Very sorry for your losses Thomas, and my deepest condolences. I've lost some friends and family members if not to COVID, but not able to attend the funerals.  Not sure if that fact aggravated the loss, but I know there not a given day I don't think of them.

And the person Giulia‌ is talking about is me, approaching my 5th year anniversary, and yes, thinking about giving up.  Having to take it still one day at the time, much like at the beginning of the quit seems so tiresome.

But this is not about me, this is to pass on the admiration for your courage, and perseverance, even in the mist of so much despair, I bow in respect for you, your blogs guided me so much in the beginnings of my quit.

Thank you Thomas for being one of the wisest elders we have on EX!

[Christine13]

Smoking or not smoking, I am not, Thomas, but also feel overwhelmed, and like I'm treading water, as long as I don't get sucked down with the undertow I will be ok, and so will you.  I am so sad over your losses in your life due to Covid.

You are in my heart and prayers, you have been through so much in your life, and you lead by example, with almost 11 years quit.