I am so pleased to say I’m on day 8. I was completely ready this time around. I chose a date and stuck to it. Through coming here I’ve adopted the n.o.p.e. Mantra.
I had been a smoker since I was 17. I quit using all drugs and alcohol aside from cigs 3 years and 7 months ago. That was so so difficult, but I feel like I came out on the other side of it. I could not have quit smoking at that time; I was insane and the cigarettes were there through some of my darkest times while getting sober. After months of contemplation I decided to quit smoking. At 34 years old I was smoking 30-40 cigarettes a day. I liked the way they made me feel, they were also a way to run from painful emotions, and enhance positive ones. If I’m being honest with myself it was no different than any other drug I used. But on January 3, 11:30 pm I had my last cigarette. I was and am ready and committed, and most importantly I had my why. Not only did I not want the diseases and issues that come from smoking, I wanted to experience life naturally, ALL of it. I wanted to really LIVE.
Well be careful what you wish for I suppose; my quit has been tough. On day 4 I felt literally ill and totally fatigued, like I had some phantom flu. That only lasted 1 day but everyday it’s something lol. I had been stuffing and stuffing emotions for years. The past few months and years before my quit I had been learning to feel my emotions with compassion in small doses. Since I’ve quit, it’s like someone took the lid off and tough emotions are like flying out. Yesterday it was rageful anger all day. The day before sadness and depression. Today it’s deep anxiety. I just feel through them, observe with compassion and they pass when they do. I’m grateful that I’m dealing, and constructively allowing my body to return to homeostasis and equilibrium. This morning I woke up at 2 am filled with anxiety and could no longer fall asleep. I decided to log on here and share my challenges. On the other hand, my breathing is easier, my heart rate has dropped, and I’m coughing up more and more as the days pass. These are all good signs. My mom, a smoker, sees me in my tough times and suggests I smoke, but I didn’t walk through fire to have to do it all over again.
I haven’t been completely free of substances since I was 16, and this was the final step. It’s hard, and I don’t know what to expect the upcoming weeks. I feel there is a light at the end of the tunnel so to speak and that it will only get easier over time, but in the meantime it’s hard. That’s all I can say about that. I pray a lot to my God too, so I feel and hope that is helping as well,